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Stop! It isn't. :) Your SO wants to have a solo relationship with this girl, right? So it's natural that the two of them would want, well, solo time. Without you. And if you say yes to a secondary, you kind of have to accept that part. I am not quite sure where the insecurity is coming from...

...uh, what about her getting hurt? I'm seeing a lot of "us, us, us" and not a ton of compassion for the woman whose husband is cheating on her. Because that's what it is, when they don't give permission. Cheating. Pretty nasty.

Okay, these sentences juxtaposed make me very sorry for you. Borderline personality disorder is nothing to sneeze at. However, with time and therapy, it is treatable, and I'm sure things will look better soon enough!

Hey, speak for yourself. I understood "boundaries" from the word go. Single, married, in-between, we all have them, so what is the goddamn problem with respecting them?

Actually, I rather like my metamour. That's not to say we're besties, but we have a ton in common (not counting six feet and change of man). She's whip-smart in so many ways. She's even taught me things I've wanted/needed to know. If she likes, I'm going to crochet her the prettiest scarf ever...

Oh! I'm sorry; the use of x/y/z rather implies a correlation between x, y, and z. Of course, if you weren't trying to conflate them, then I'm happy to have been wrong!

:D Susan Ivanova really is God.

"Relationship broken? Add more people!" is a joke, not an adage. :) It sounds like you need to do individual work and work on your relationship with your husband before you open up. Very seldom does healthy polyamory result from such confusion; especially where more than two people are...

That rather implies that he did want to go outside the group; he just had no idea how to tell you. It's sad that he didn't feel comfortable bringing this up, sadder still because now his actions have broken up what sounds like quite a functional, happy group. Weeeeell, it's only a problem if...

Finnglas, is your partner aware of your other lovers?

A nitpick, because context is huge: Groups, communes, and families are very different concepts. "Group" is the broadest of the three terms in play; groups can be loose-knit or as tight as this afternoon's initial botched crochet attempt. (Ow, my hands.) "Commune" has certain connotations...

You're right and you're not. Taking it from my personal perspective/How I Do This Stuff: I meet the prospective partner (or the existing partner) and now we are real people to each other, faces, not just screen names. I meet hir and the fear of the unknown subsides, because now the unknown...

After the troll thread in Introductions, whoooo boy, am I grateful for my metamour. Not that I wasn't before, but that kind of hate makes a girl really appreciate people who don't pull that shit. Even at our worst, the three of us still own who we are and what we've done to get where we are...

That's narcissistic at best. You want what YOU want with no consideration for the other two people in the equation. Getting rid of her (like an unwanted stray? The hell?) solves YOUR problem today. It does not solve YOUR HUSBAND'S apparent desire to love more than one woman. Can you honestly...

Will he want you if you give him an ultimatum? My partner would kick me to the curb, and rightly so, because if my metamour's only sin is being loved by him, guess what? That's poly! And it's exactly what I signed on for! Guess what else? If he's poly, that means he can love both of you at...

Usual caveat: I haven't yet read the rest of the thread! Bear with me! The short answer to the question is, in fact, "yes". I am not poly because I want more sex. I am poly because I think differently about a lot of relationship types, as you'll see. The bolded part is what feels liberating...

I don't. There was a time when I didn't have "poly" to describe myself, and then there was a time when I had "poly" but didn't think to apply it. If it's what you want, it's what you want (and if it's not, that's awesome too). I sometimes wonder how other poly people feel about someone who is...

Not unjustified, IMO. It's not as if you're obliged to be everyone's girlfriend. This is reality, and your metamour needs to come back to it. :)

I looked at/through the book. Sounds like something you do need to hear, and the exercises are great. Stick to the book, though. AskMen.com appears to narrow its definition of "man" unnecessarily.

SC, I use something similar to describe how I feel about various genders (biromantic, heterosexual); your use of monoamory makes sense to me. :)