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yeah I liken it to a dog trying to piss higher on the tree than the other dogs I have asked B to do that. He's not comfortable at this point seeing J at all. We did talk the first night this came up and after that B said he was uncomfortable about J. Yeah I know... it's so so early in this...

My take on it is more like honesty, since I had said to him already that I had no clue why I wanted this since he was not physically attractive to me. I think we are past that point. I think that was the first hashings of figuring out how and why and what we wanted to do. A mad dance to define...

I wish there was a how-to booklet that would help.. I can see if B continues to feel this way about J that I will have to end it with J... but I'm hoping they can come to at least an uneasy peace...

Which part? B being insanely insulted that another man does not think I'm a shining goddess like he does? Or J actually voicing his lack of physical attraction to me? Different messes... same crazy feelings.

You are cute! Ya know, you hit it. The key. I really do get why B is scared. I'm not J's type at all, and he's made that clear. When he said he did not find me physically attractive, B almost shot across the table to kill him. I get it, because when I look at B, without him opening his mouth...

Oh wow! Your mess is MESSY. I am so so sorry for your pain. I'm amazed that this thread is finally about what I really need it to be about. LOL I am scared that J feeds my brain. B can't do that, for various reasons. J can. J makes me think. B makes it easy. J is a challenge. I guess I need...

WOW thanks for this post!

Oh, I can go a week without any contact from J and I'm like 16 all over again. I just don't doodle his name on my notebook. B is my heart and my soul. Yet he has such low self esteem it's hard to get him to see that. But yeah, we deal with the money problems and the kid problems. (Mine are...

We really are so much alike. B says that my eyes light up when I talk about J, and I don't see that. I know I have a severe case of NRE... but my eyes light up? He says he wants my eyes to light up when I think of him. They do. He just can't see it anymore. I'm not sure I would "let myself"...

Hugs to you, my friend. I think B feels he has no choice but to let me run. B and J knew each other, but very very casually. They are not friends, just from the gaming circles, as most of our crowd knows J.

I'm not sure how to explore this alone, to be honest. I know B and I are talking and trying to figure it out. But what about J? Does he have a right to be part of this learning process? Yeah, that's it. BINGO! Sadly, you win the prize. <insert nervous laugh here> I was the one who...

And there, dear FlameKat, is the rub. I do not know. I do not love him. I like him a lot. I'm not sure what boundaries to set, or how to figure this all out. I know that I like that he's two hours away. It gives some structure to what is currently structureless.

That's what I'm thinking... but one where each has to hear what's going on in/with the other.... NEITHER can pretend I'm all theirs and theirs alone...

Do we have a head-banging smiley? This is all so new. Our only time face to face was when, at the last con, we snuck about an hour of talk time late one night to agree to have NSA sex. That was what we agreed to. As we started emailing, it started morphing. I never expected to be poly. I just...

I did ask him, "Where do you slot me in your life?" I continue to await an answer. Interestingly enough, he will talk to me about it on the phone or face to face, but in email he ignores what he does not want to deal with (and he told me so... ugh).

B thinks that J will want me to leave B eventually. I never see J as that type of relationship. J has too many issues to be more than a pleasant and fun diversion from real life. That's what J said in the beginning, that it was just NSA sex. So I had no concerns that would be an issue. But...

Oh thanks. I love hugs. I am going to let them work it out. The issue is that, given the natural turn of events, they will only have to deal with each other face to face twice a year, once for a weekend, and once for a week. That week is what scares me and has me having nightmares of them...

welcome from another struggling newbie.

Most of you realize that I'm very new to this and I'm really struggling, as is my husband (B). Switching from swinging to polyamory is harder than I thought, nearly impossible for B. He swears it's person-specific, but since this is the first time I've tried this, I can't be sure. But that's...

That's a very good point. Thank you. I think I'm really struggling with this (not having a relationship, but figuring out where to slot him in my life), and my husband is struggling for other reasons, and my head swims, and I don't know what to do, or how to figure it out.