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It shouldn't be a competition. If you are partners, things that add to her life add to yours, too. Plus, all this stuff you're going through; facing your insecurities and jealousy, communicating hard feelings, negotiating, etc. are you developing skills that will make you better at relating...

Pepper uses that movie as an analogy in his writing on nonmonogamy for men that I linked to above.

Well, nevertheless... It sounds to me like you should consider that a way of being a good friend to this woman is by respecting her boundaries. It may not be happening at the speed that you would prefer, but she's obviously becoming more willing over time to become more intimate with you...

I'd say that initiating depends on whether or not the friend knows that you used to date their new interest. If not, then I think you mention it. If they know, then you wait for them to ask if they want more information. I think pretty much anything outside the bedroom is fair game to talk...

Franklin Veaux of xeromag discusses this here: http://tacit.livejournal.com/291799.html. I found it useful to read when I was thinking along the lines above.

Many people find the jealousy articles at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html helpful. I think Pepper's article at http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/nonmonogamy-for-men-the-big-picture/ is really good. I understand that OkCupid is rather poly- friendly. You may do better there than...

Yes. There are plenty of homophobes who identify as polyamorous, but I wouldn't say that there is a "taboo" about male homosexuality in any of the poly communities I've known. There are definitely people out there looking for a male unicorn. See polymatchmaker for ads from people looking for...

I think Ariakis' suggestion here is a good one. My favourite fiction genre is murder mystery, but I don't ever use that as a criteria for who I am willing to date. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't even occur to me to date somene who dressed in a way that they really liked but that I...

The above doesn't describe the poly- communities I know best. The fashion/music subculture easiest to identify amongst them is goth/industrial. There is not a lot of tie-dye.

ykinmkbykiok

Well, I imagine it's probably pretty hard for your "secondaries", too, since they're having their relationship with you stop and start at the whims of you and your partner. Anyway, I think that this identity stuff; "I'm poly-, he's mono-, she's polyflexible" etc. can just confuse things, at...

No converting? You'd recommend polyamorous people only date other people who identified as poly before they met?

Oh, thanks!

Create a community? How about wearing a poly- t-shirt to Pride next weekend? You might be surprised. More seriously, though, building community takes someone putting in some time and effort and leadership. If there's really no community, you might want to consider if you're up to doing some...

You should let go of that. Loving more than one person is not something you should feel guilty about. It's likely to make you defensive and not take the feedback you're getting in the spirit it's intended. Well, I don't think that. Look... I think maybe if you were to let go of the idea...

I've been in this situation a lot, and I also find it uncomfortable. Two things I would say: 1) It makes perfect sense to be uncomfortable. Some men are violently aggressive, and there's no good way to be sure that the strange man you're dealing with won't be. Brainstorm with your partners...

Did you mean "cheaters and swingers"? If so, the context here was someone "posing as" something else. That's not usually seen as good behaviour! If you do mean "cheaters and polyamorists", I brought that up as a hypothetical as an analogy for why I found the phrasing problematic. To be...

Hm. How would you feel if you were reading a message board wherein someone used the formulation "cheaters/polyamorists" to describe bad behaviour? I would hope that you would call that person out on lumping together two groups that don't belong together, even if it was only an accident of...

What is your relationship with his wife like? Have you ever talked? Are you friends? A lot of the time issues in the kind of relationship you are in can be worked out more efficiently when there's open communication between the two people who are dating the same person (or "metamours" as they...

Baffling I find this kind of baffling. So some people who are cheating / have cheated would genuinely be happier with honest, consensual non-monogamy, but don't know how to get there. Conversely, of course, other people who are cheating / have cheated genuinely like the drama, sneaking around...