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Honestly, I think that the "sex messes up friendships" thing is largely a myth. I suspect that a number of people who say "we probably should have just been friends" are conveniently forgetting that there was some kind of attraction going on that created the friendship in the first place. As...

You could choose to date only people who aren't bothered by that. Or you could accept that you're going to bother your partner from time to time. We all do, and I think that there's sometimes a weird emphasis on jealousy as something that must be avoided at all costs, as compared to all other...

I think that Peppermint's Nonmonogamy for Men essay is very good, and might give you a few ideas. Redpepper's advice is really good. The more socialising you do, the better. One impression that came to me when reading your posts is that you're very clear on the type of relationship you're...

"Lowering" oneself? So... I had some sympathy for your partner. Like, if I realise someone I'm dating has crappy taste in boyfriends, that would totally make me wonder about myself and the relationship. After reading this, however, my impulse is to say that this is a really messed up way of...

Wrong movie You are so in the wrong movie. They lean in for a kiss. Romantic music swells. Z/I and slow pan around the couple. Eventually, they come up for air. SLUGGY: (mischieviously) Well... that makes things a bit more complicated. DATE: (breathy) Yeah, I guess it does. (we...

I'm profoundly uninterested in monogamy, so 'polyamory' started for me by avoiding monogamous relationships, and that's not "linked to a special person". That said, I don't ever think "I'd like to have another partner" (well, perhaps I thought something like that the last time I was single). I...

For what it's worth, the story sounded really sweet to me. It's totally something a partner of mine would do. Sure, but someone who is freaked out by how open things are is probably not a good dating prospect.

While I'm sure that this sounds romantic to a lot of people, your writing this after emphasising earlier how she is your whole life makes it sound to me like there is something not all that healthy about your dynamic. You'd probably feel better right now if you spend some time figuring out who...

Sluttiness, slut-shaming and polyamory We have a lot of nonsense in our society around women's sexuality. It's easy to internalise that and start shaming yourself when you do something that you know society would judge you for. I think that, if you can, the best thing for you to do here is...

"You and Your Friend" -- Snake River Conspiracy "Love in Stereo" -- The Monks

Yeah, totally agreed.

Yeah, I think RedPepper is conflating at least a couple of different behaviours here. The person who comes into a group and acts badly enough that they start disrupting other peoples' relationships is typically just someone with, well, bad behaviour and relationship skills. People shouldn't...

My sense from reading your description is that you're really good at doing smart thinking about this stuff, which bodes well for working through poly- issues in general. From this, I am assuming that it would be his preference that you weren't in her life. If I'm wrong about that, then the...

Red flags? Doing it for you -- I wouldn't call the odds good, but obviously some couples have successfully made the transition without everyone being equally enthusiastic. If it doesn't work because she cannot, after trying, handle you being with other lovers, it was her decision to give it...

You should be; it certainly sounds like there have been some really positive developments. ...sure, but it didn't sound to me like ksandra was being made happy with the agreements. If I agree to some restriction, such as allowing my partner to impose a curfew on me, that I could reasonably...

Focus? Fair enough. I should have written that differently.

This sounds to me like a classic "relationship broken, add more people" idea, which often doesn't end well. This sounds to me like you're not listening to what he is saying to you. If I told my partner about my personality and my sexual orientation and they responded by coming up with new...

Crippling agreements That's great! That's really not great. They should; they're crazy restrictions. Why on earth did you agree to them? Since you seem to have already agreed to them, that's going to make any conversations around them more difficult for you. They're clearly designed to...

Primary/secondary They're categories, and yes, they're hierarchical. They do serve as a useful shorthand for describing dynamics to people, but they're just categories, and no one needs to use labels that they don't like. This is where categories fail, or may be confusing. That dance is...

Workshop I'd be very interested to hear how that goes. I know it is long, but did you read the post at freaksexual that I linked to upthread? I think that Pepper does a lot of work examining the issue, which could lead to a lot of fruitful discussion.