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Also, I would agree with what you said above more if it were the case that they decided to close up their relationship or to change their stance to "see people casually but not develop emotional relationships with them" because that would reflect a backtrack from the situation with me that...

Yeah, he did want to date me. He was very excited about me in the beginning, and excited when I came back as well. The night that I went to his place (it was one time when we were all in talks), he kept hugging me to him. I had just stood in front of him with normal 2-3 feet of space between...

Also, I understand that he had to ultimately choose to abide by her choice in order to make it a no-go between him and me dating again. Doesn't change the fact that the original choice came from her.

In case you don't see the above email that I referred to, here it is. What I wrote to her. I think it would be really great to get to know you and develop more of a friendship with you. We are probably very different in a lot of ways, but I think we have a lot of common ground as well. I...

Well, look at my wording. It says "most." And I'm aware that some people have explained their vetoes differently from "toxic" "crazy person" "trouble maker" -- that's why I said "most." Because from the reading I did, most of the responses did say "I'd only veto if they were an obvious...

I think it is a veto. They may have agreed on it, ultimately, but his initial reaction to my getting in touch with him was "let's see each other again." But I agree with you that I don't necessarily have all the information. Who KNOWS how he was acting with her during my time with him...

But the thing is, it didn't "not work out" because of lack of attraction between him and me, or any "values clashing" between him and me, or he and I "not getting along." There was nothing about me and him that clashed. The reason that it didn't work out was this: We (she and I) were both...

Oh, and let me clarify that he didn't quite say it exactly as I wrote it. What I wrote was: "I may break away from her, I don't know." (It's been months; I didn't necessarily have the exact wording off the top of my head when I wrote that other post) But I do have a good memory when I think...

Minor correction: It was I who got back in touch with him, but...he was indeed happily receptive. Anyway, actually, I think what you wrote above was very close to her thought process. Still doesn't make it right, though. What doesn't make sense is that they are still in an open relationship...

None of us asked enough questions or even knew what we were doing. That's the danger of everyone being new to poly and just sort of "winging it." At the same time, since *I* was willing to negotiate / create a peaceful situation even after the confusion, I think she could have been more...

Thanks. Yeah, one of my friends kind of said the same thing. It's messed up that he's allowed to date, but not women he actually likes. Lovely. And yes, there are things about the situation which reduce the sting. 1) He did want me back. On just a basic, instinctual level, he's attracted...

Yeah, I would agree that everyday contact plus a few times a week together is fine. I would have no problem with that. That would even be my ideal. Nor is it my world. I'd be comfortable knowing the woman and having sort of a respectful and congenial but relatively distant friendship...

Actually, want to add something to what I said earlier. Even though I do blame him, too, I blame her more. Here's why. I don't condemn him for being loyal to her over me because I don't condemn him for caring about a woman he's been with for two years over a woman he's been with only for...

What's your reason for wanting to stay far from it? Is it because you think it automatically means drama will ensue? Yup, don't like that either. How can one feel safe and secure (things that one should feel in a relationship) when there's the possibility some other party might soon be...

How long have you two been together? Does his wife support you having a primary role or does she actively want to keep you at some secondary level? Are you and the wife friends? I think it might be more satisfying to you if it were more of a live-in thing. I hear that poly couples who are a...

I understand the distinction you're making, and I don't think you're wrong to make that distinction. But I myself see the latter as still controlling. It's creating a huge 'penalty' for the person (your partner) seeing his or her new gf/bf. Some people call that practicing autonomy, and it...

Thanks for your thoughts! I'll probably respond to other parts of your post later, but just wanted to acknowledge this (the above) now. I do blame him too. And I know, ultimately, that obviously he couldn't have wanted me THAT much if he obeyed the veto. I just remember those wonderful...

It's very respectful of you to have that stance - that his wife is rightfully his priority. To some extent, I felt that in my situation as well, but only a little. The poly couple in my situation had circumstances very different from from a life time (or even a decade or so) of being a "team."...

That's totally what was happening between me and my guy. He was falling for me. He said as much. He was having a great time with me and expressing such extreme attraction and so many proclamations of "I can see us really lasting and becoming something..." He told me (even just within 4...

I am with both of you about not being willing to get into a situation like this again. The way I met him was this: he contacted me over OkCupid and we traded messages for about 2 weeks. I wasn't really even that into him; I just thought he seemed nice, kind of like good friend material. But...