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I can see the confusion. My comment was less than clear. I *personally* do not hold both concepts dear. My point was that if one did, than a litte scenario running would have easily revealed that holding the husband / wife relationship above all others, while wishing to treat all partners with...

Yes. I confess to not understanding how some people function. When I hold a concept dear like the two mentioned above, I run scenario after scenario insuring that it holds up across the board. I would never proceed with two obviously incompatible tenets. And yet many do. I am not sure if they...

I sympathize with her distress, but she is treating her metamour as if she were a mere plaything for her husband to be easily discarded rather than human being with actual feelings and needs of her own. It doesn't seem to be uncommon, but I am shocked and appalled by the way some people...

Kevin, I am glad you shared - what I saw as a Venn diagram - the circle of influence and the circle of concern. A very good visualization that lays out issues quite simply. Thank you.

Is he being treated for it? While I do understand your anxiety, given the ADD, a lot of the flakiness is unintentional. For me trust and mistrust speak to intention. So for example if I deem someone untrustworthy, it is because s/he has consciously chosen to act dishonorably. Flakiness is a...

Does he have ADD?

Rather than tell him how it is, maybe you should ask him for solutions. Ask him how he thinks the budget to work. What does he believe should be cut from the budget in order to be able to afford the trips to see his gf? If he states that you are doing this out of jealousy, tell him that no...

I have been in a similar situation to what you describe. First off, I totally understand your desire to draw her (him?) to you and give comfort. Problem is, you are not the person that caused the hurt. That's the real bitch about people not being interchangeable. No matter how much love you...

So what I am hearing you say is that he's flakey. He has good intentions, like coming to see you at a certain time, but he gets blown off course by this and that. I gather that this was an issue before he experienced whatever event is currently making him unhappy? I, too, would find such...

I get you on the not begging part. It seems from your description, you have been pretty pointed in your desire to see him - except in revealing your pain. It may be time to do so. You might make one last attempt, being very specific. Something along the lines of: "despite repeated overtures on...

This statement brought home to me again the dynamics in my own failed triad. I tried very hard to go back and analyze everything to see if I'd missed something that could have avoided all the pain and grief. In other words, I too, tried to take full responsibility (as did the wife's husband -...

Love may conquer all, but if it is to do so, it often requires extreme adaptability. In your case, you have many very traditional ideas. However, the configuration you are contemplating is about as non-traditional as one can get. If being part of the societal norm is very important to you, or...

It's easy to blame N; you don't love her. No doubt she stirred the pot. But from here it sounds as if you and S are completely incompatible, and rather than recognize this you got into a power struggle over how your relationship would be run. Then you each had justifications for why you...

I agree with the others. The primary issue is the deception. If I recall correctly, Aimee wanted you to be mono with her, so you are probably logically questioning whether she has indeed changed her stripes and can handle polyamory, or if she is in fact monoamorous, and looking for someone else...

I have a very difficult time with people who tell me one thing and expect me to read their minds - and understand that their words are a lie.

It is odd the way some people think the world revolves around them. The comment about your long ago boyfriend being a good dad had nothing to do with your husband, but he managed to somehow make it all about him. Unfortunately, people who are prone to seeing themselves as the center of the...

I don't have superficial friendships - I call those acquaintances. That said, time isn't always a factor in maintaining the level of intimacy. I have one friend whom I have known since we wer six (we are currently 50). She lives in another state, and we really only communicate a few times a...

I am sorry for your grief. I do understand. Keep talking as you need to.

She may have thought she'd be okay having a text convo, but then wasn't. I don't think it's you; it's the situation. She would prefer the bf be mono with her. She will have to decide whether to do the work or not. If I were you, I'd take a step back from meeting her. She may work through it...

Sadly, many people - especially those with a conservative family - find it intensely uncomfortable stepping outside of society's norms. I expect it was the family who told her to break it off with you. They probably filled her head with all sorts of crap like how deviant you are, and how she is...