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Then tell Wendell it's over. Walk away clean, and don't look back. I think a clean break would be more merciful than living in a marriage that doesn't want you.

I just posted about this in another thread but one book I really like is Why Talking Is Not Enough by Susan Page, where she talking about spiritual partnership. It sounded a lot like you were describing with developing yourself by how you deal with things in the relationship.

I like the book "Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage" by Susan Page. This got us through some of our darker periods.

I agree with SSmith. I'm also a mono husband to a poly wife. This is not "I'm ok with polyamory" behavior. It is extremely upset behavior. Counseling would be a good idea. Communication is an absolute must right now! If things are too intense for face to face, maybe try writing letters...

I'm the mono husband of a Poly wife and it was also unexpected. Even when things are going well, it can be enormously difficult to cope with some days. My sympathies. Addressing your question, the idea seems to be "I feel our relationship is slipping because of her other relationships, so I'm...

I think they find it difficult because the experience can be VERY different from the theory. I think poly, mono or whatever, the same advice still applies: move at pace of the least comfortable member, do the internal work to ferret out the issues behind jealousy or discomfort or whatever and...

Often when I see this, it's referring to one member of an established couple dictating what the other relationship (that they are not part of) is going to look like or function as. This is inappropriate. My question is, does the same standard apply when one member of an established couple...

I would also chime in a vote for all three. In my case, I think cultural programming has more to do with it. I'm worried about Wife's lover because I'm worried that will reflect on me as being "inadequate". When a husband has a lover, it's often assumed it's because men are inherently...

Ok, while I appreciate the length my question generated, I think it's getting off-topic because of my mistake. When Marcus said: I agreed that he could absent himself from the conversation. This was not meant as an attempt to censor a differing opinion. Post what you will. In the future...

My issue is that I'm asking about a situation that arose from a commited monogamous relationship. As Marcus has professed against monogamy and marriage, I find much of his input non-helpful. Like asking for advice on house-breaking a puppy and being told "Get a kitten". While logically valid...

Galagirl, my apologies. I got distracted from your questions. As to where we are now, I've accepted that Wife is more inclined toward non-monogamy, so we're trying to move forward with that. I think my biggest issue is that when this all started (badly), there was no option of giving up (or even...

I wanted to clarify some things re: definitions and my original intent. I went with "coerced non-monogamy" rather than "forced" because I feel that there IS a choice but it's not really made out of freely-given consent. Someone gave the definition of "consent" as "Having two or more choices...

Marcus: I think the main reason I still think of it as coercive is because, like PhilsophicallyLost said, I tend to view our marriage as a partner "ship," like a large boat, carrying me, my wife, and our children; whereas it seems your view is more akin to two or more individuals, each on their...

graviton: My sympathies for this difficult time. I have some experience with what you might be feeling. Hopefully, this is damage that's not unrecoverable. Don't make any big decisions until you've had a couple of days to get your feet back under you.

Delphinius: Thanks for the reply. I believe she was somewhat surprised by this, as well. I've actually started going to the gym, and I'm trying to pick up some hobbies I had let slide when I was busy with school. Galagirl: My intention is to stay in the marriage. My hope is to reach a point...

Origin story is pretty cliche: long time married, wife fell in love, decided she was polyamorous. Despite tons of advice about slowing down and making sure everyone is on board, it seems to me that "surprise non-monogamy" is a fairly common occurrence and can cause a serious upheaval. Right...

Then please...don't try. Even if she wasn't justified in viewing this as a betrayal (which I think she is), she's in NO state to try to see your view of things. While I don't believe you intended to cause pain, I think it's hard to deny that's exactly what happened. At the very least, I think...

What worked for me was journaling and writing my feelings out. Caustic feelings are pretty much guaranteed when you feel betrayed. If I could spew the venomous stuff out in private writing (that Wife never sees), that helped me get beyond the emotional turmoil to the real underlying issue...

(Vix's husband here) I'd like to echo the sentiment that I hope she appreciates the 2nd chance you're giving her (as in a super gift). I also think it would be a good idea for her to at least read over this thread if not join the board herself. Many people on the board have experience dealing...

I would say "No" because of the hypocrisy. How can you expect people to trust in your ability to love multiple people without neglecting someone when you can't extend people the same faith?