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I would encourage telling him as gently as possible. As you said, you thought it was just a phase earlier and have recently realized that you were lying to yourself as well as him. If you continue to conceal it from this point, it becomes a lie of omission rather than self ignorance. As the...

Hey, Rainbow I can certain empathize. Sounds like you're feeling a little overwhelmed. Wife also surprised me with a desire for an open marriage after years together. I was NOT terribly enthused. It did get better. I got the feeling that you're already feeling adrift from being in a new...

Disclaimer: the post reflects my thoughts on the newly "surprise!" polys who seek to suddenly alter their relationship. Thank you for posting this topic, as I've often thought the same. I think there are people that are honestly surprised to find themselves loving multiple people at once. I...

The line that most stuck out for me is this: I'm a mono husband whose wife discovered polyamory after years of marriage. While I could sort of grasp the idea of polyamory, the actual practice of it freaked me out. (That's gotten better.) However, her statement: worries me because it...

Hello, I'm the mono husband in a fairly new poly marriage. I can sympathize about the emotional turmoil. How long has things being opening up? Hugs.

IMO, that's really up to him. Is it possible for HIM to commit to being honest and rebuilding the trust? I would say, yes, it's possible especially since you seem open to giving him the opportunity to do better. Is it possible for YOU to rebuild the trust if he keeps being dishonest? No.

I would think people's past actions have at least some bearing on my opinion of them. Based on the few posts I've read on the situation (aka keyhole view filled in from my own experiences), it seems like you're leaning more towards their "side" of the story. Yes, there's at least a possibility...

As another mono husband who was surprised by non-monogamy (no, this doesn't sound like polyamory to me either), I think you've been doing an A+ job of trying to be supportive. In many (if not most) cases, an ultimatum of "I'm having sex with other people, whether you like it or not." would...

I was introduced to non-monogamy when Wife starting having a cyber-affair. When it was discovered, polyamory was proposed as a way of continuing the relationship. In hindsight, we both realize this was a huge mistake. (The affair ended shortly after that, and then we were able to START...

I would probably say it's not extremely rare but rare so True. But I think the same is true for any model of relationships. Relationships are hard. Long-term success at any thing hard is rather rare.

Well, you say that she knows about you reading poly resources, so that's a start. Wife and I saw an episode of Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t, which examined the "Ozzie and Harriet" relationship model, which included a segment on non-monogamy. Might be a good starting point for a discussion, if you...

A couple of sore points. I'm a little bothered seeing monogamy and unrealistic expectations cited as the reason for cheating. While being unhappy is certainly a factor, I don't believe it's a direct cause. People could choose to handle their unhappiness differently, ala expressing their...

I can see the fallacies of dishonesty or non-communication. But since the people labeling themselves as "monogamous" are actually being non-monogamous (in a dishonest manner), this seems to me like saying "The problem with being a vegatarian is that meat tends to give me heartburn." I'm likely...

IMO, right now, your situation is worse than being alone. You're with someone who is emotionally destroying you. She doesn't seem interested in repairing the trust that her CHEATING has damaged. Get out. It's scary now but years trapped with someone like this is much worse.

I would tend to agree with the other posts about really considering whether this situation will work for you. I'm looking at this from the perspective of the mono husband whose wife wants to be poly and he's trying to adjust. Just about all the resources about opening up a marriage advise...

I'm the mono in a poly relationship, and I agree: you don't have to be poly just because your partner is. I was a bit confused on one point: you said R wants you to be monogamous with him? Is this a boundary or a preference? It sounds like you prefer monogamy so it's not a huge deal but I...

I'm a little curious. Is there a reason the issue of additional relationships, in whatever form, cannot be "postponed" for a little while? Do these decisions have to be made right now? A lot of people introduce polyamory as a concept, let it rest for awhile, and then continue the discussion...

Wife and I consider our relationship a polyamorous one, even though I ID as monogamous.

I think it's harder to be the "sharer" vs the "shared". Like you stated in your well-reasoned question, there are all these positives upfront for the person with the multiple relationships. Being the mono can often feel like more of a compromise. Personally, I think your question deserves a...

My first reaction to the thought of my wife's physical intimacy was also extreme discomfort. Actually, I think the idea of emotional intimacy worries me even more. For me, I think it was the fact that my wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me...