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Interesting. (MonoVCPHG, I think if you are a sheep you are in a self-constructed pasture with consciously evaluated boundaries? You chose your personal landscape and know that if your self-understanding changes you can revise your boundaries? Is that true?) Rules for making rules, aka...

I see L one evening a week, and we talk on the phone almost every night. Interesting dilemma: loving L has showed me how little I was settling for in prior relationships, but by the same token she's raised the bar pretty high. Dunno that I'll find anyone like her with whom I could form a primary...

I have a totally unsubstantiated and unscientifically tested idea that a higher percentage of poly women tend to be Pagan than is true of the average US population. And I did have one date with a Wiccan polyamorist but we turned out to be a rather bad personality fit. (There was a lot of...

And you found your way here! A number of people can offer advice on creating a healthy, positive relationship with a third person. It's good to be honest with the other person from the first. Sure, anyone who needs an exclusive, monogamous relationship will shy away. But leading them on by...

You sound like you've got a lot to offer the right people, punkrockmomma. And the fact that you are secure in yourself is an incredible asset. Redpepper, I feel a lot of affinity for the things Mono has written. I suspect we are similar in a few ways. I might guess that he is "lucky" in the...

You may already know this part: What you describe is a vee relationship, with yourself as the "hinge" and your wife as one side of the vee and your GF as the other. Your wife and you are the "primary" relationship, you and your GF are in a "secondary" relationship. (Some people object to these...

Here are some things that jumped out at me: "I often feel horrible about myself when I'm with him." "And then there's the fact that I sort of am a bad person." "So much of the time, I feel out of control..." syestra, these words make me feel worried. You're hurting, and you seem to not like...

What a frustrating experience you must have had! Email communication so easily turns to miscommunication, doesn't it? I write as a hobby and despite all my practice still find I can't avoid misunderstandings. I remember that on our third or fourth date my GF asked if I might feel able to meet...

Well, not to be an old fussbudget, but it would seem that G is not playing perfectly straight here either. If he's willing to participate in what he thinks is a backdoor amour, will he hesitate to cheat on that too if the opportunity arises? So yeah, I agree with the others: be cautious. There...

For guys (probably women too) a separation and divorce feel like massive rejection. In that state it's really easy to go for a sympathetic person just because the bruised subconscious really needs to feel that someone still feels you're attractive. The classic rebound, right? IMHO, you've...

Try keyword searches on "poly" and "polyamory" on OKC, that will turn up a few people. http://www.polymatchmaker.com/ is another online place to network, albeit with a much smaller user base than OKC. There are poly discussion groups in some towns. That said, I've been trying to contact one...

Hm! I may be among the oldest on the forum, and among the newest to poly. How about this: people who have worked at self-awareness and mindfulness will, in many cases, cope better with the ups and downs of relationships than those who are not so aware? But this applies to all personal...

Yeah! I sort of fell into a relationship that fit me very well, so there's been no really dramatic growing pains and a lot of joy. There is definitely a sense of new possibilities and room to breathe. Call it NLE; it's as good a name as any!

"I did mention that I'm mono and if emotions got involved that could get complicated, she said if that happened we'd have to have a long talk." Do you think it might be possible she thought you meant that as a mono-oriented guy it would be her relationship with her primary partner which would...

Good perspectives from the others. Ariakas: "There are ways to make it work without having to be 'friends' with his secondary." When my GF's husband hosts a particular woman at their house she asks me to pick her up before the woman arrives so she doesn't have to greet her. They are not...

Sounds like you can accept and share your wife's love without jealousy. I agree with you: when that is possible, open relationships can be very natural, ethical, and beautiful. It works that way for me too, though in my case I'm the secondary who adores a woman in a poly marriage. You know the...

If you met another partner who was open to poly, then your current potential partner ought to be good with sharing you. Fairness is pretty important to poly relationships: if she gets other partners, then her partners have that possibility too. If you mean that you would become monogamous...

I can't see any reason why poly should be age-restricted. That seems silly. I do remember that everything was faster and more urgent when I was young, and I'm not talking about sex. Well, not just that! :p But I think it would have been a lot harder for me to be careful and thoughtful in...

I agree with kamala: care, patience, and thoughtfulness are going to be very important to you. The issues with infidelity are troubling, and there needs to be acknowledgement of what went wrong and how to keep it from going wrong again with some other person. Sadly, no one on this forum can...

I agree with what Mono and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing. It's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms. For instance, I don't hang out much with my gf's husband. I've met him and like him. We just move on different planes. And she did...