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Guilt is such a useless emotion, and women seem to traffic in it so frequently when they are getting what they desire/need. Go enjoy it. Your spouse may be upset, but you staying at home will not deal with that underlying issue. It will prolong it. If he is upset, then think about it as a...

First, you'd have to be the kind of guy that those women you have in mind would want to meet, and from your list of horrible stereotypes about women's desires, I don't know that you are. Please stop being friends with that woman in Indy. She deserves better in life than to end up involved in...

DFWPolyGuy, sounds like you're doing really well managing this, so far. One thing we've both done on overnights is to send a good night text at some point -- early, late, whenever. Just a small gesture to say, "I love you and you're still in my thoughts." I'd also suggest making a plan with a...

Hetaera, I think my comment is also something to reflect on in terms of your situation. There are things in life we can control and others we can't. So in terms of the forum, abusive trolls get banned by moderators. Other people we simply cannot control and need to work around. I usually hate...

I'm not one of those "tough love folks" (whatever that means), but I think this is a bizarre statement. I've seen similar things on a few other threads lately, as well. Honestly, you are coming to a public internet forum to share your personal relationship experiences. Do you really think you...

I think this is one of the issues going on here with the OP's partner and it's often a very Western problem. We have an idea that "equality" has to mean "the same" at an individual level, when in fact, equality can mean an equivalence between different things. There can be equality in a...

It sounds like you're onto something here. When I read your original post I thought, maybe it's just him feeling guilty and having fears about his own actions. But it's on him to come to terms with his feelings, and not second-guess or torment you, just as you will have to come to terms with...

I know, that's why I wrote to say try to avoid that approach to things ("he can explore if I'm involved"). Not the best plan, esp. starting out. I think wanting to be in a V relationship is fine. I have one primary long-term live-in partner and then have had the range of others from long-term...

Oh please don't do this. Let him also be his own individual and approach relationships how he wants to just like you are. I really despise this kind of "it's okay, but only if I'm involved" kind of stance. If you both have that policy, well that's one thing, but since you are your own free...

The opposite of selfish is not taking something away from yourself. Martyring yourself is actually selfish, because it is still all about you, and not about each person stating their needs and desires and then looking for ways to negotiate and compromise, if that can happen. I hear that kind of...

So sorry to hear about your pain. I initiated a break up in December. I don't know what your resources are, but my break up coincided with a trip to a nice place for vacation; I would recommend it if you can treat yourself. I spent some alone time really using the situation to regain some of...

I'm fairly well acquainted with this language issue since I've had open/poly relationships for over 2 decades. And in this case, ultimatum is the precise word I feel is called for because there really aren't many other linguistic options. BoringGuy, I think your comment was more nuanced, so...

I'm in a relationship with a long-term partner who cheated and lied. I won't pretend it was easy and there's so much to say, but there are a few reasons why I am here still with him right now: 1. He took full responsibility and it stopped. 2. What we have together is really important --...

I've certainly been there, and that's true, but... Don't feel silly because there may actually be something to what you're feeling. Sometimes there's pressure on us not to validate our feelings because we don't want to be jealous, or seem controlling, etc. We want to seem like totally cool...

My take on this may be a bit different from others'. I don't think it's ever a good idea to start seeing someone else if you're in a primary relationship that has serious issues or is not stable. I don't mean perfect, but I mean one that has open communication between partners. It sounds like...

Petunia - you sound amazingly grounded, and from what you've written, it seems like you and you SO have decent communication. People have made excellent points. One for your SO to remember is that all relationships change continually. I think some folks just fear change, and overlook that...

I find the book to stray too much into unsubstantiated generalizations from a very limited source material. As an anthropologist, these kinds of books drive me crazy. As a species (biologically) and as social/cultural beings, we are evolving. There is no one "nature" that we can point to...

Yep. I find this thread really interesting. I posted more last year, but have mostly been reading since, too busy with other issues. I'm always wary when someone asserts that it's not necessarily the message, but the tone you deliver it in that's the problem. That critique is so often used...

I think those are great points you make. And, I've been thinking about your first question in relation to what Cindie wrote below. I don't think I can make peace with it. It bothers me too much. That thought has started to work its way into my mind and it's nice to see it written out...

Hi, thanks for the response. I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that this may have to do with the LDR nature of it. Your story helped me sift through. Maybe I've hit a bit of a wall with it because as we've become closer emotionally, we're not close enough to be able just to get together...