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Cindie, yes that's what I wish I could say. Exactly that. I'm feeling like any response is interpreted as me feeling insecure/jealous OR being disapproving and not there for him (happened last time). And, his reassurance mode is creeping me out. When he wrote me the first "I was weak and...

Just wondering if this has happened to any folks and how you deal with it. I have a long-term primary relationship (20+ years) and a long-term long distance BF (friends for 5 years, building a more intimate relationship for 4). Most of the relationship time with BF has been long distance, from...

How did you make the decision to all move in together? Did you try sleepovers first and was hearing the sexual activity okay for you then? If so, when did it change? If not, did this topic come up in any discussions before the move-in? I suppose I'm just asking because maybe you all really...

I think you've hit on an important issue. There's often a lack of clarity around boundaries. How one person understands a conversation about the relationship might be distinct from the other partner. Or one person has personal rules/boundaries that they don't really communicate to the other...

It made for interesting reading. This thread represents why I don't think there can be a poly community as such. The OP and I have poly in common, but we are about 180 degrees apart in the politics that come out in the comments. I see it as a huge rationalization, with New Agey jargon, for not...

So, since people are responding, I have to ask. What is this research for? If it's an academic study, then there are regulations about doing research and obtaining consent, and this would be governed by an IRB. There are specific guidelines for doing research with online communities...

Hierarchy is not natural. There is variation within both the human species (across time and space -- in the archaeological record as well as anthropological record) and within other non-human species. Some have been/are organized in a more egalitarian or horizontal fashion, others are what we...

You're saying people should just accept uncomfortable words, word that make them feel less than? So you'd ask us to put up with a whole lot of hate words in this society right now? Personally I'm glad that we don't have to just get over it. It's not fear driving this or discomfort, it's...

I wasn't trying to say he's not a worthwhile person at all, and I very much agree what you've said. However, I'm taking issue with his assertions. I know these are interwebs conversations, so it's hard to parse what the actual words and meanings were. I'm trying to say that I don't think his...

River, I hate to say this, but your friend Sean sounds like a typical sexist man. Jeez, he's almost an archetype. That includes the inability to hear what women in that thread were saying. His own quite mistaken assertions were challenged from about every angle possible, so he digs in with a...

So true ;) I suppose what i was trying to say is that it's interesting how our own perceptions shape how we understand and categorize different practices. I think poly as a term has to be somewhat fluid.

Yes, but I suppose the issue for me becomes all these labels and their microlabels, etc. and where we fit all the practices. In my mind polyfidelity is closer (*not the same*) to monogamy than some other poly practices. Whew. Just reading all this makes me want to just say "open" even...

I think I'm confused by these definitions. Why couldn't poly include some of the things you're including under "open"? You could have multiple loving relationships and dating, sex, etc. etc. I guess I don't really think it's so easy to separate how people use these two words -- poly and open.

nycindie summed it up for me. This is what i wanted to write and it's also why i think it's hard to ask or talk about a poly community. Although it's viewed negatively in US society, I don't think it has the same pull of bringing folks together as other identities because of what she noted...

As I've said in other posts, I hate the assumption that my partner's sweeties have to be my BFFs, etc. I do think meeting them is important and it's something my partner and I make sure happens, but it can't be forced. Try to understand Mary's position for a sec rather than making her a...

Yes, and this applies to any relationship, poly or not. I have never been into swinging and would absolutely not get involved in that scene. I just know it's not what I want, and that's okay. It's not polyamory that's the issue; it's the people involved and how they're treating you. Although...

Wait, what's a "Phil Donahue moment"? Ok, I just want to say that if this situation is how the OP is portraying this, she really needs to be getting some kind of professional support now and not trying to do these things on her own volition. Support groups are for later. If he is abusive and...

River this made me giggle. You know that the kids these days use the term "hanging out" to mean hooking up, right?

Psychological abuse, which this is, is still abuse even if you can't see bruises on a person's body. He is an abuser and we can't know that it won't turn more violent. I worked in crisis centers for a time and I would recommend finding your local center and talking with them. Often they often...

I am a "married" couple -- 20 years and open/poly for all of it. Almost all of our other sweeties are/have been friends with both of us, but not all. That person I mentioned was an issue and then we dealt with it (he was going to stop seeing her), but it did work out because there was clear...