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Good thread. Thoughtful topic. #1 lifechanger for me: I met my teenaged son in a Thai restaurant for lunch. He'd been living on the street and said he was hungry. When he opened his backpack I saw a sharps container full of needles and knew that he'd moved from smoking meth to injecting. And I...

Kat, your story of the meeting with your husband's GF was beautiful. There are SO many evils -- misconceptions, unfounded fears, worst-case guesses -- that can be swept away when you can just talk honestly with someone for awhile. I'm so glad you were able to reach out, and so glad that she...

No, there wouldn't. In face-to-face there are a lot of things that inhibit out-of-line behavior, from a flicker of disgust in someone's eyes right on up to a hard slap across the kisser. And a social group usually moderates a discussion before it becomes a shouting match and chairs get thrown...

I'm an atheist and logical empiricist. Objective, consensual reality is what we can all measure in some way, and what all competent observers agree on. It's the real world outside our minds. I accept that things like beauty, good and evil, and love do exist; it's just that they are subjective...

Heh, speaking of explaining poly relationships I just got this comment on OkCupid: "What a kick about your current relationship! Wow, she must have a totally laid back husband to have you around!! It sounds like something out of the 1960s." If this was someone I was interested in I might spend...

Yay indeed! Stay friends. If at some point becoming lovers is possible, if you've been a considerate and honest friend then that's karma in your favor. But I'm sure you understand that already. Depression. You may know all this info. Meds can help. They usually decrease sex drive; for me they...

I don't know if this has been said already; I didn't review the whole thread, but... You don't have to watch them being cuddly if it hurts. You don't have to watch him kiss her if it hurts. When I am with my GF and her husband they are hands-off except for a kiss on the cheek, and I am...

Off-topic: LR writes "I drink 4 freaking cups-measurement cups, of prune juice a day!" Hey, I tried adding flax-seed meal to my morning oatmeal but had to stop because it blasted through me like a Maserati. More dietary fiber than burlap. Back now to your regularly scheduled topic.

-- Actually, my thanks to whomever posted the original link to the "Bill." I just piggybacked. Reading through the "Bill" I find that the couple I'm involved with already give me the things listed there. I don't know if they evolved this behavior independently -- I know they discuss ethics and...

Yep to all that's been written. LVFCS, you and I and MonoVCPHG are all secondaries: lovers of someone who is in a poly marriage. Someone posted a link to the Secondary's Bill of Rights on another thread. The discussion there has a lot of good ideas.

Interesting, Idealist...my GF told me once that only her father and her husband have been able to make her feel like everything is OK in her world, and that she would really like to be able to generate that feeling for herself. It's something we work on sometimes. tinylove, I'm really happy to...

...and you're the guy who doesn't trust words, SS? You certainly write words filled with scalding emotional honesty. But man, you are in an emotional hurricane right now. Maybe the first priority is, as vandalin and Ariakas suggest, to find some calm. Take a few days off if you have the time...

Interesting posts! I never thought about polyamory until about 4 months ago, but I had the opposite reaction from yours: "Well, that's a good idea and it seems quite natural, too." You're not "less liberated" than people who are poly, nor is your monogamous marriage less beautiful than a...

Well, you've recognized the goal and I think you have the self-knowledge and determination to get there. Trust me on this: she's going to really really enjoy watching you become a more confident and secure guy. If she can help you she's going to remember that with pleasure for a long time.

The other posts offer some good perspectives. The sexual aspect might be a place you could benefit from the insights of a good therapist? It sounds like there are unresolved traumas there which might be causing you pain and anxiety. An internet forum isn't the place to talk about those, but...

Wow -- that's braver than I could be. Kudos!

I think Vexxed's gf knows he feels insecure. He mentioned that he shared that with her. I imagine the situation a little differently than you, RP. I imagine that she knows about his feelings. She's psychologically aware. (She's got a PhD in the subject.) She's on Vexxed's side and involved in...

Not too long ago one of the GFs of my lady love's husband decided that because she was really in love that she would be moving in with them. I was on the outside of these events but I talked about it with the wife during some of our dates -- it was an ongoing topic for a few weeks. It seems...

I like that philosophy. Wouldn't it be nice to have such a generous spirit that all pettiness and resentment passes beneath you like ripples under a sailboat? I suppose, in terms of the metaphor, you would still respond to the urgency of joy and love just like a sailboat responds to the wind...

I agree with most of what's been written. I also was more insecure in the past, with a poor self image. It's quite hard to change a deeply-held self image, and my subconscious resists that change a lot. For me, that's where "backsliding" comes from: my subconscious whispers, "...but remember...