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Hmm, yeah, I don't want to confuse anyone! I wonder if "authentic relating with open communication and frequent renegotiation" can be a phrase that could help people better understand my desires in relationships. I do think in any connection I have, I'd always like there to be a strong sense of...

This is how I always thought RA functioned. At my core, I want authentic relating, not obligatory, and have always felt stifled in monogamous and poly relationships because my partners functioned on a relationship-escalator-without-communication level. And here I am doing the same damn thing...

What's FAFO?

Hmm, I'm so confused as to how to describe myself then! It seems that many poly people tend towards relationship escalator type relationships. I thought that saying I am RA is way to avoid that and make for more genuine connections. But I also really thrive on commitment and having people "in my...

Hi all, wanted to update you on the situation as it stands now. Pam and I have had some very clarifying and difficult conversations. Ultimately, I think we are wanting different things out of our connection. I want more contact and consistency, and she wants to be very present where she is...

Thanks so much for the input, everyone. It means a lot to me, as it gives me a lot of clarity on where I should head from here. My gut has been telling me to emotionally invest less in Pam, at least for the time being, while maintaining good boundaries around Brad being in my life, or hearing...

I've been dating Pam for around 5 months now, and we both are relationship anarchists. We've both had a few brief encounters with others during our time dating, but mostly we've spent all the time we could together. Then Pam moved away. Far away. So we've been talking on the phone a lot and...

I also want to reply to Kindalosthere (whose post I no longer see) and say that the feedback Donna has for me about how I behaved in our relationship are not complete fabrications, and I can certainly own my mistakes and the ways I've hurt her (again), but they aren't abuse. I never had any...

I really struggle to understand her motivations, but I imagine controlling the narrative of our breakup could be one. I wish she would be open to talking with me. But that would challenge her story, and I know she doesn't want that right now. She had to make me a devil so that she could remain...

Agreed. It can be devastating and there is little one can do about it. I had a lot of fears that I'd be known throughout the community as an abuser and have to do a lot of work to clear my name. It seems like that isn't the case luckily, save a few people who want a villain to hate in order to...

haha that is one things I am grateful for. We've all seen how that can play out. Yikes!

Yes, this is pretty much how is played out. Although I have been lucky having a reputation with the people involved in my accountability process, so they are giving me more benefit of the doubt than others may have in this situation. They have even said that it sounds like Donna needs an...

The weird thing is that I thought we had broken up amicably and with a lot of love. It felt really sad for both of us, and we had some trouble letting go, as much as it needed to happen. There was so much sweetness in our desire to support each other, and this has felt like a complete 180.

Thanks for the perspective, Kevin. It feels awful to have put in so much work toward understanding each other in our relationship only to be accused of abuse in the end. We were in couple's therapy and processed a TON. Our couple's therapist even told us after we decided to break up: "You each...

Thanks, Galagirl. I appreciate the supportive words <3

Thanks so much, Galagirl :) Those are all very good words for me hear. I've been coming to a place lately where it doesn't have as much of a grip on my life anymore. It's been hard, but I feel very ready to put this all behind me and let the cards fall where they may. Stepping down from being an...

Yes, I agree. It was a big fear of mine that I would lose my community over this. It's been a big lesson in trust. They really are incredible people with big hearts. <3

Many, many things! - I've learned that the people I want in my life are people who are willing to talk to each other to resolve conflict. - I've learned that trauma can inform reality to such an extent that some people will gladly seek to destroy another person, or demonize them, without...

Hi all, I recently broke up with a partner, Donna, of 3 years. Our major incompatibility was our conflict in relationship styles. Donna wanted something more monogamous looking: primary partnership that centered us as the couple and very cautiously introduced anyone else to the relationship (she...

Yes, Gala, those are all things I've pondered. I really feel like it's just a matter of me not asserting my need for space. If I was better about it, and we restructured our living situation by having her move into her own place, my feeling is that I would feel a lot closer to her. Right now...