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It's been a while, and I figured with Kevins and other folks input I should bring about some closure - let you know how i am, and how things eventuated. We are not together at all now. M says she is going to try work things out with this other guy, that she doesn't love me like she does him...

Thoughts: I woke up with a bit of poison thought in my head. I will never get my head straight. Errors: Conclusions, global thinking, extreme thinking, reality filter, ignoring positive. Analysis: I said a bit of poison and it was only a bit. A small bit, an errant thought about M with others...

Those are very good observations Kevin. I think the thoughts are the prelude to feelings, and then if the feeling is strong (uncomfortable) enough I go back into mad thoughts, racing thoughts, circular obsessive thoughts - trying to escape the feeling? Trying to escape something born of thought...

So. I was obsessed as I feared M would dump me. Then, if that happened I would be alone, afraid, and my life would return to a place of darkness and despairing. I feared I would lash out and hurt M, her lover, or myself. I feared I would destroy my life, and so my obsession was very strong, I...

Am I happy in my relationship with M now? One the one hand - definately not. Everything is unsure, fragile. This makes me insecure, it starts obsession, which lately is composed of trying to figure out ways to 'make her love me' - which is stupid. My focus has to return to taking charge of my...

Today was a mixed bag but entirely doable. I got annoyed with a woman who didn't bother to show for an appointment so I jut told her secretary I'll find another venue thank you very much. Felt a bit rude but it was me who travelled for the interview, and her in her place of work didn't bother to...

Ah yes, closure. I've been thinking about how I want to cut M off completely, but this is only for my sake, and there's a little bit of throw my toys out of the cot behaviour comes with it. Thoughts around it are not pleasant so I do not believe it is what I actually want to do. My head just...

Still finding the 'letting go' to be difficult. Had a bit of imagery popping in my head (her in bed with others) jolting me from sleep last night. I am meant to be dreaming of how I want my life before I go to sleep, so I do not wake with a head full of crap. There's progress though. I'm...

That's great feedback Kevin I appreciate the candour. Yes, it can easily swing extreme but that is when the obsession kicks in. I wrote the post in full flight to illustrate how ugly it is. And yes, it is extremely painful. I rarely ever say hurtful things like that to people, it is thoughts...

Yay, I am my own hero. That was nice, we had a bit of a serious talk, there were some things needed to be said. I said. I know you did something last week and I don't really care that you did that what bothers me is that you were so uncomfortable in my presense after that. I don't want you to...

Thanks again Kevin I won't read the last post as it is filled with obsession and i don't need to be thinking those things. I left it there as an example of what the obsession is - the reality is it thinks in absolutes, uncompromising, hurt, angry, pain, darkness. It just wants to hurt others...

Woke up head filled with poison. There are a few things I want to say to M that are better left unsaid but i feel very angry. here's what I need to express. Fuck you for dumping me right on exams Fuck you for lying to me all those times and treating me like an idiot Fuck you for fobbing me off...

Wow. I've been spinning tonight. Feeling aggrieved for an hour all the way home I walked and stewed about M's impropriety. Then I got home and proceeded to try and 'fix it' by writing a long letter pouring my heart out, and what I know about her weekend - like a little bomb in the works - then...

I got a very thought provoking e-mail, which corresponds to the Wayne Dyer stuff I've been listening to. The idea that pain is something to be moved away from, an indicator. I couldn't agree more. I think I have been 'unravelling an onion' as the cliche goes, peeling back the layers. TEA was...

Thanks Kevin Been watching more Wayne Dyer. The man is a guru and I need the spiritual side of my life enhanced fast. I guess this is happening. Me and M, so much water under the bridge now, by the time the last mess is cleared up she's made another and I'm the one picking up all the pieces...

Well, M is here to help at times, but she's fucked up about the whole thing herself. She fucked a couple she's known for some time in the weekend. I know way too many people in this town... I found out approx 15 minutes ago, not through M. BUT, we are single, not a couple, and life has been...

Morning can be very painful, by evening I'm pretty zen about everything. I know now that every time the obsession arrives in my head it has very little to do with what M is doing, it is all about the fear of losing her. Under this fear is the real deal, what I'm really afraid of, falling...

Heard and processed some good stuff today. TOUGH afternoon, head full o dread :confused: had a glass of red wine and did a bit more study, being a bit slack but choosing not to beat myself for it. Better tonight. I did a fair bit of TEA in a notebook I got here for it. It's getting full :D I...

So, I'm not perfect (ly sane) today, but I choose to act as if I am. I choose to sing, to play music, to jump around, to pay attention to me, my pets, and friends. I also choose to remain fearless and thorough on the issues of self worth and obsession. I'm worth it. Thoughts: I will always feel...

I must live in the day. The past can do nothing to me if I let it go. The future can do nothing to me as it never actually exists where I am at. TODAY. This is my challenge. Today I can do my best, just for this one day. I can survive and even thrive. If I face the worst case scenario, which...