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That's not what I meant. He expressed his desires, but never really got a chance to tell her what that looked like to him. Like his ideal situation. Often times we may be talking about the same thing, but they may look drastically different to each of us. I'm not developing any scenarios in...

When I was growing up people used to always tell me to try it, before I said I didn't like it. Then I could what is was that I didn't like. Things often turn out quite differently for us in real life than they do in our head. You have this idea of what you think your partner desires, but...

Sorry to say this, but I sympathize with your partner. Mostly because I am in the same position right now and wish to have a Poly relationship. The only difference is I have a DADT policy, so my partner isn't really afraid of me sleeping with other people. We also don't really have sex, last...

But in my case, he doesn't want to know when I'm meeting him, and I basically have to think of ulterior reasons to leave the house. He doesn't even want to know that they exist. So that's why I feel like it's deception.

Oh, OK. I never really considered a DADT relationship a poly relationship, because it's based on deception, and poly relationships are open and honest. I guess I just want more openness.

Can DADTs become poly arrangements? I have been with my partner for a little over 10 yrs. We currently have a DADT policy that I really don't like. I have developed a close secondary outside relationship that I would like to pursue openly. Anyway, my partner overheard me talking about sex on...

I can sympathize with you. My partner and I have been together for 10 yrs and he too has lost his will for sex. We're 37 yrs apart. We also have a DADT relationship that I really don't care for, but I also have fallen in love for another. I would like to open up our relationship and make it...

I'm not saying you have to do anything now, but at least leave room for the opportunity for a possible reunification that's all. You were clearly hurt and your feelings count, but if she is thinking that one day this will be OK, when it really won't, in the end she will probably be crushed.

This part kind of leans to you not letting her see her again. I could have misread it, but that's what it sounds like.

I guess what I'm asking is "What will it look like when you are totally over this event?" And, "Why is this one particular person going to be off limits?" That's what I mean by punishing her. There is no room for a reunification. And like you said, she won't want anyone else. She made...

I guess my point is, yes she made a mistake, but how long do you intend on punishing her? A month, A year? It seems like you're more afraid of the connection she has for this other woman and are using that as your reason to punish her. If you have never seen your partner this happy with...

It sounds like your partner is a FHB (fallible human being). She mistakes, as we all do. The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.

It sounds like it happened and she later came home and confessed. So she owned up to what she did. Don't know if that makes a difference.

It seems to be the belief that if you're really poly, you just "always" know. From what I'm reading, I don't know if that is true. It might be like being gay. Some people just know their whole life, and then there are people who discover it later on in life. It doesn't make them any less...

Thanks AutumnalTone and nycindie, at least somebody shares the same perspective that I was trying to bring out.

I think that's where we are missing each other. My intention is not to turn it into a minor thing. If the relationship was important at all, how can someone just break with the other person without trying to work it out? That's the point I'm trying to make.

PM me then, as I'm interested in hearing other people's take on things.

I guess you will never know until you try, will you? Sometimes the abstract idea of things is harder to grasp than the concrete.

You have a point, but isn't there something in this commitment about "for better or for worse?" My whole point is instead talking and working through it, lots of significant others just throw in the towel. Well what was the whole relationship built on anyway if this can break up your...

That's unfortunate, sorry to hear that. Being in my own situation and coming close to breaking up, I'm starting to wonder if recipients of "The Poly" talk don't just use this as an excuse to break up. I mean in my own situation, I mention I want an open relationship. This turns into how I'm...