Ashgirl224
New member
Love has always strange to me. Typical mommy issues story, with a SAHM who thought it was the worst thing ever to happen to her. Her voice was the one who filled my head with extremely low self-esteem. Recipe for toxic relationships.
When a boyfriend decided to SA me, I thought to myself, "When I say no, then it hurts. Maybe if I stop saying no then maybe it won't hurt anymore."
The guys I wanted never really wanted me, so I always settled for those I wasn't 100% on board with, but they were giving me attention.
I thought online dating would make my luck better, but I was having the same luck, only this had higher chances of being scammed.
When the pandemic happened, how I viewed relationships started shifting. Though the relationship that started that journey was also one that gave me my first STI. Luckily it was one that could be cured with a pill.
More and more I was learning about ENM relationships. Through much self reflection, I really liked the idea of being the center of polycule, but I also didn't want selfish, so wanted a closed polycule where we stayed in our circle. That was a fantasy and only existed in the books (mostly fanfiction) I read and prayed for. When I gave up on relationships and embraced ENM, I tested positive for HPV. It scared me, but my doctor was treating it like no big deal. My fear calmed down with learning about it, plus testing negative.
When I was sober I was adamant on the practice of safe sex. But when I wasn't, I gave in to my breeding kink.
When I decided to go back to school, I refused to be tied down. Of course I met a guy who treated me like a woman worthy of praise. Very new to me. We were both in shock how hard and fast we fell for each other.
I was not going to let a relationship stop my dream job.
Then my grandmother died, my last grandparent, and I was filled with so much guilt of not doing enough for her despite her self isolation behavior. This man did anything and everything for me in that time and it felt wrong for him not to be my boyfriend.
He (like me) was hypersexual, always craving intimacy, and knew that long distance was not going to end well. While being apart, he got diagnosed with HSV. I keep in contact with him, but I'm not sure what our relationship future is.
After my move, I met a man who was equally, if not more amazing. He was already in an established polycule that was a solo poly network that was kitchen table. I fit in very well, but I kept feeling weird feeling about my metamour. She had what looked like my dream set up. A loving husband who indulges my every whim, wonderful boyfriends, a house filled to the brim with animals and a stable job.
But my weird matched too well with my boyfriend, and also the husband of my boyfriend's girlfriend. They all lived together and I was trying (and failing) to live alone. The husband (T) and my boyfriend (B) both were struggling with their relationships with her (for reasons that I don't know, since it's their business, not mine).
When T was struggling hard with his mental health, he was giving in to his feelings towards me. I knew we had feelings for each other, but how we approached our partners about this was very, very different. I brought up all my thoughts and feelings about where my brain was at with B, and we kept talking about it. But my therapist (who had told me in advance that I was her first client that was poly) brought up questions that I kept forgetting to ask to get more clarification about their dynamic, and why exactly they felt like T and I were off limits.
Unknown to me, T had that conversation with B and agreed why I was off limits. T decided, on a very bad mental health day, and I was doing what I always did. I ignored my brain's warning signs and tried to trust the words others were saying. I asked multiple times if me asking for a massage was ok, if us doing more things that explored our feelings and became more intimate was ok. I should have listened to the warning signs that were deep inside me. That started the ultimate chain reaction that is the implosion of my life.
This is where I think I'm my own villain. I'm reaping exactly what I sowed. That one act, one that felt like a repeat of the miserable love life I make of myself for ruining things in my subconscious, since I feel like I'm not deserving of a good thing. B and I, with the help of my therapist, have been working through it. But my metamour and T's other partners were not doing well. According to B, T was falling into "another mental spiral" and explained that T latched onto me since I was the only person (the newest person who was unaware of his past cycles of mental breakdowns) showing patience for him and unconditional care.
When I learned that this was a pattern for T, and I was kinda being used to help him feel desired again, it felt like I was a tool yet again for someone, and that he was fully aware that we were crossing boundaries and breaking set-up rules. (I wasn't fully aware of everything, since B and I didn't fully go into the depth for me, a newbie, to understand, since it felt like the opposite of what a poly relationship was, which was on me.) I felt lost and hurt. In trying to process everything, I was also forced to serve the same punishment that my metamour deemed for T, but worse for me, since I lost my home and was forced to move an hour away.
But things were looking up for us. I was still allowed in the house and could attend group events. Then my brain kinda malfunctioned, my anxiety came back full force and brought other health issues. It felt out of nowhere, but also felt like my brain melted into goo, since I was no longer in fight or flight, which was the only thing keeping me in the form of a human.
While trying to make my brain act like a brain again, I started having unexplained bleeding. After many expensive tests that may or may not be on their way to collections, we found the cause of the bleeding (hemorrhoids) but that somehow also led me to discover I tested positive for HPV again. But how I was told was very confusing. The doctor was so relaxed about it that it felt like she was telling me it was a false positive. Which I is the same impression I unfortunately gave to B. Turns out, my OBGYN felt that it was so common that it indeed was no big deal and that I truly had it. I cried while telling B, since this was surely enough for him to leave me for. But he didn't, he stayed with me and we are currently working through it.
I did have a spot that was a high potential lesion, but it was extremely small. She said I could remove it (the LEEP procedure) or just watch to see if it would disappear on its own. I figured might as well get rid of it while dealing with my other issues.
This was the final straw that set off the explosion of the polycule. My metamour broke up with B in that exact moment. (She will now be called EM for ex-metamour.) To my surprise, B stood up for me, and immediately agreed to the breakup, but then started fearing about his living situation since he was renting her basement. But B is the best man in existence, which made it hard for her to do that. Unfortunately, that also got me banned from everything (well, everything where she was going to be). The cascade didn't stop with that. EM and T had a falling out. (This one is not getting blamed on me, so win for that.) They are currently going through a divorce. And I'm still banned.
Well, my current situation is that EM put on the friend discord (a discord the polycule created to keep everyone and friends on a single platform and that way we can plan events and share news with each other) that she was tired of planning everything and making decisions. She had expressed these type of thoughts for a long time now.
B and his family own a cabin in a forest that is very big, but was neglected for a long time, and has a consistent list of projects. EM helped B a great deal in this adventure, but posted in the group chat that she refused to make anymore plans and setting up trips to the cabin. I voiced that I was happy to take over anything and everything that she wanted off her plate, especially stuff related to the cabin.
B and I have been doing well. Every hiccup is discussed, and we attack it as a team. We both are trying to care for each other, which is new to me, having someone who not only matches my efforts in a relationship, but goes out of his way to improve my life. God, that man is a saint, I swear.
Anyway, while I was making plans with everyone in the chat (only 2 other people were participating in this discussion), EM shot down the plan to make ones that better fit her schedule and other commitments. That sent me over the edge, but then I found out through B that EM kinda kept me out of the plans she was making, since I was still triggering to her.
Now I'm sitting on my own stewing in my frustrations and writing this ridiculous telling of my life. I'm so sorry to whoever reads this. I'm dyslexic and have ADHD that both make writing in a sensible way impossible.
When a boyfriend decided to SA me, I thought to myself, "When I say no, then it hurts. Maybe if I stop saying no then maybe it won't hurt anymore."
The guys I wanted never really wanted me, so I always settled for those I wasn't 100% on board with, but they were giving me attention.
I thought online dating would make my luck better, but I was having the same luck, only this had higher chances of being scammed.
When the pandemic happened, how I viewed relationships started shifting. Though the relationship that started that journey was also one that gave me my first STI. Luckily it was one that could be cured with a pill.
More and more I was learning about ENM relationships. Through much self reflection, I really liked the idea of being the center of polycule, but I also didn't want selfish, so wanted a closed polycule where we stayed in our circle. That was a fantasy and only existed in the books (mostly fanfiction) I read and prayed for. When I gave up on relationships and embraced ENM, I tested positive for HPV. It scared me, but my doctor was treating it like no big deal. My fear calmed down with learning about it, plus testing negative.
When I was sober I was adamant on the practice of safe sex. But when I wasn't, I gave in to my breeding kink.
When I decided to go back to school, I refused to be tied down. Of course I met a guy who treated me like a woman worthy of praise. Very new to me. We were both in shock how hard and fast we fell for each other.
I was not going to let a relationship stop my dream job.
Then my grandmother died, my last grandparent, and I was filled with so much guilt of not doing enough for her despite her self isolation behavior. This man did anything and everything for me in that time and it felt wrong for him not to be my boyfriend.
He (like me) was hypersexual, always craving intimacy, and knew that long distance was not going to end well. While being apart, he got diagnosed with HSV. I keep in contact with him, but I'm not sure what our relationship future is.
After my move, I met a man who was equally, if not more amazing. He was already in an established polycule that was a solo poly network that was kitchen table. I fit in very well, but I kept feeling weird feeling about my metamour. She had what looked like my dream set up. A loving husband who indulges my every whim, wonderful boyfriends, a house filled to the brim with animals and a stable job.
But my weird matched too well with my boyfriend, and also the husband of my boyfriend's girlfriend. They all lived together and I was trying (and failing) to live alone. The husband (T) and my boyfriend (B) both were struggling with their relationships with her (for reasons that I don't know, since it's their business, not mine).
When T was struggling hard with his mental health, he was giving in to his feelings towards me. I knew we had feelings for each other, but how we approached our partners about this was very, very different. I brought up all my thoughts and feelings about where my brain was at with B, and we kept talking about it. But my therapist (who had told me in advance that I was her first client that was poly) brought up questions that I kept forgetting to ask to get more clarification about their dynamic, and why exactly they felt like T and I were off limits.
Unknown to me, T had that conversation with B and agreed why I was off limits. T decided, on a very bad mental health day, and I was doing what I always did. I ignored my brain's warning signs and tried to trust the words others were saying. I asked multiple times if me asking for a massage was ok, if us doing more things that explored our feelings and became more intimate was ok. I should have listened to the warning signs that were deep inside me. That started the ultimate chain reaction that is the implosion of my life.
This is where I think I'm my own villain. I'm reaping exactly what I sowed. That one act, one that felt like a repeat of the miserable love life I make of myself for ruining things in my subconscious, since I feel like I'm not deserving of a good thing. B and I, with the help of my therapist, have been working through it. But my metamour and T's other partners were not doing well. According to B, T was falling into "another mental spiral" and explained that T latched onto me since I was the only person (the newest person who was unaware of his past cycles of mental breakdowns) showing patience for him and unconditional care.
When I learned that this was a pattern for T, and I was kinda being used to help him feel desired again, it felt like I was a tool yet again for someone, and that he was fully aware that we were crossing boundaries and breaking set-up rules. (I wasn't fully aware of everything, since B and I didn't fully go into the depth for me, a newbie, to understand, since it felt like the opposite of what a poly relationship was, which was on me.) I felt lost and hurt. In trying to process everything, I was also forced to serve the same punishment that my metamour deemed for T, but worse for me, since I lost my home and was forced to move an hour away.
But things were looking up for us. I was still allowed in the house and could attend group events. Then my brain kinda malfunctioned, my anxiety came back full force and brought other health issues. It felt out of nowhere, but also felt like my brain melted into goo, since I was no longer in fight or flight, which was the only thing keeping me in the form of a human.
While trying to make my brain act like a brain again, I started having unexplained bleeding. After many expensive tests that may or may not be on their way to collections, we found the cause of the bleeding (hemorrhoids) but that somehow also led me to discover I tested positive for HPV again. But how I was told was very confusing. The doctor was so relaxed about it that it felt like she was telling me it was a false positive. Which I is the same impression I unfortunately gave to B. Turns out, my OBGYN felt that it was so common that it indeed was no big deal and that I truly had it. I cried while telling B, since this was surely enough for him to leave me for. But he didn't, he stayed with me and we are currently working through it.
I did have a spot that was a high potential lesion, but it was extremely small. She said I could remove it (the LEEP procedure) or just watch to see if it would disappear on its own. I figured might as well get rid of it while dealing with my other issues.
This was the final straw that set off the explosion of the polycule. My metamour broke up with B in that exact moment. (She will now be called EM for ex-metamour.) To my surprise, B stood up for me, and immediately agreed to the breakup, but then started fearing about his living situation since he was renting her basement. But B is the best man in existence, which made it hard for her to do that. Unfortunately, that also got me banned from everything (well, everything where she was going to be). The cascade didn't stop with that. EM and T had a falling out. (This one is not getting blamed on me, so win for that.) They are currently going through a divorce. And I'm still banned.
Well, my current situation is that EM put on the friend discord (a discord the polycule created to keep everyone and friends on a single platform and that way we can plan events and share news with each other) that she was tired of planning everything and making decisions. She had expressed these type of thoughts for a long time now.
B and his family own a cabin in a forest that is very big, but was neglected for a long time, and has a consistent list of projects. EM helped B a great deal in this adventure, but posted in the group chat that she refused to make anymore plans and setting up trips to the cabin. I voiced that I was happy to take over anything and everything that she wanted off her plate, especially stuff related to the cabin.
B and I have been doing well. Every hiccup is discussed, and we attack it as a team. We both are trying to care for each other, which is new to me, having someone who not only matches my efforts in a relationship, but goes out of his way to improve my life. God, that man is a saint, I swear.
Anyway, while I was making plans with everyone in the chat (only 2 other people were participating in this discussion), EM shot down the plan to make ones that better fit her schedule and other commitments. That sent me over the edge, but then I found out through B that EM kinda kept me out of the plans she was making, since I was still triggering to her.
Now I'm sitting on my own stewing in my frustrations and writing this ridiculous telling of my life. I'm so sorry to whoever reads this. I'm dyslexic and have ADHD that both make writing in a sensible way impossible.
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