Hey, I'm new here. Just joined today. I just have some questions. I am a man and my fiancee has a girlfriend. A couple years ago, she started a relationship with her girlfriend. Today, I finally came out with something I have been denying for a long time because I didn't wanna hurt my fiancee.the thing I finally told her is that I develop crushes on ppl who r nice to me. I have been like that since I could remember. It doesn't matter what sex the person is.. It could be anyone. Now the problem is.. I have been monogamous for a long time.. I realize I too have the ability to like more than one person at a time.. I love my fiancee.. But I have the ability to like another person, not necessarily love the other person besides my fiancee. Now here stands the issue, my mom is not accepting of my fiancees relationship with her girlfriend.. Well my mom tries but she doesn't get it.. What should I do? N sorry this is so long.
any suggestions
- Thread starter newhere90
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SlowPoly
Active member
Your mom gets no say in your fiancé's relationship. Or yours. You are adults, she accepts or does not. Offer to point her to some poly educational resources, if she can't google "polyamory" on her own. Done.
As for having crushes, what's the issue? Is fiancé hurt by this revelation? Is there more to it? Are you interested in pursuing a relationship with someone you have a crush on, now or in the future? Just because you can love more than one doesn't mean you have to. Have you and fiancé and girlfriend discussed whether you intend you be a poly-fidelitous, stable V with just the three of you involved and no outsiders? (You don't say whether girlfriend has other lovers, so I'm assuming not, but same process applies.) What if fiancé and girlfriend break up? What if fiancé finds a new (additional) love interest? What if girlfriend does, or you do? Would you like to have a more open model relationship with fiancé than is implied by marriage with a pre-existing girlfriend relationship that is expected to continue?
In other words, what you should do is communicate, and don't leave out communicating with yourself about what you want. Because I'm not getting a sense of that here.
As for having crushes, what's the issue? Is fiancé hurt by this revelation? Is there more to it? Are you interested in pursuing a relationship with someone you have a crush on, now or in the future? Just because you can love more than one doesn't mean you have to. Have you and fiancé and girlfriend discussed whether you intend you be a poly-fidelitous, stable V with just the three of you involved and no outsiders? (You don't say whether girlfriend has other lovers, so I'm assuming not, but same process applies.) What if fiancé and girlfriend break up? What if fiancé finds a new (additional) love interest? What if girlfriend does, or you do? Would you like to have a more open model relationship with fiancé than is implied by marriage with a pre-existing girlfriend relationship that is expected to continue?
In other words, what you should do is communicate, and don't leave out communicating with yourself about what you want. Because I'm not getting a sense of that here.
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to answer some of your questions.. My fiancee was hurt when I told her bout past crushes. In fact, I thought she was going to break up with me for it. The thing w me communicating more, I today agree with that. My fiancee has her girlfriend and me. That's it. Her girlfriend does not have another partner , and neither do I.. I never really thought to myself that I too may be polyamorous, until I discussed it with my fiancee.. The difference between my fiancee and I is that I'm too insecure to add anyone else to the mix.. She IS secure enough. If I were to add someone else , it wouldn't b for a relationship, it would b just dating..I can barely keep up with this relationship between my fiancee and I lol. But in all seriousness, I'm not comfortable adding anyone. My fiancee couldn't figure out y I didn't tell her sooner how I am.. Its because I can't explain anything without putting my foot in my mouth. Plus I beat around the bush about things. Its frustrating. Thank u for listening to me though.
to answer some of your questions.. My fiancee was hurt when I told her bout past crushes. In fact, I thought she was going to break up with me for it. The thing w me communicating more, I today agree with that. My fiancee has her girlfriend and me. That's it. Her girlfriend does not have another partner , and neither do I.. I never really thought to myself that I too may be polyamorous, until I discussed it with my fiancee.. The difference between my fiancee and I is that I'm too insecure to add anyone else to the mix.. She IS secure enough. If I were to add someone else , it wouldn't b for a relationship, it would b just dating..I can barely keep up with this relationship between my fiancee and I lol. But in all seriousness, I'm not comfortable adding anyone. My fiancee couldn't figure out y I didn't tell her sooner how I am.. Its because I can't explain anything without putting my foot in my mouth. Plus I beat around the bush about things. Its frustrating. Thank u for listening to me though.
To me, it seems odd that your fiancee would be hurt if you have *crushes* on others, when she's in a full-fledged *relationship* with someone other than you. But that's between you and her. I would hope that given her situation, she would be accepting of you--or her girlfriend--having other partners if you chose to, but some are able to act polyamorously themselves but aren't comfortable if their partners are also polyamorous.
As SlowPoly said, your mom doesn't get a vote in your relationship. She isn't involved; it doesn't affect her. If you choose to tell her what's going on, she's going to express an opinion and that's fine. But her opinion doesn't have to impact you or your fiancee, because it's *your* relationship. And you don't actually have to tell your mom or anyone else anything that's going on. You could choose to keep it between the people who are directly involved.
As SlowPoly said, your mom doesn't get a vote in your relationship. She isn't involved; it doesn't affect her. If you choose to tell her what's going on, she's going to express an opinion and that's fine. But her opinion doesn't have to impact you or your fiancee, because it's *your* relationship. And you don't actually have to tell your mom or anyone else anything that's going on. You could choose to keep it between the people who are directly involved.
maxnsue
Inactive
I have had three girlfriends since I was 14. I was engaged to the first, just played house with the second and married the third. All three are bisexual, although the first came out 50 years later as a lesbian. All I know are bisexual woman. Never had a straight girlfriend in my life.
However, no one ever knew about it. Saw no reason to tell anyone as we never felt guilty about it. If asked we would have told the truth but usually no one would ask why your g/f hangs out with her girlfriend. Our g/f lived half her time in our house for 38 years and no one thought anything of it.
The first and the last, my wife, shared their girlfriends so that we both loved her. That prevented any problems. My second g/f spent her weekends with her girlfriend and I never even met her. Maybe that is why we did not last long. I see a difference between a poly and open relationship. An open relationship is where both partners can date whomever they want or at least date with certain limitations. A poly relationship in my day and age was living life with more than one partner as a family unit where all parties loved one another and shared in not only the fun sex stuff, but the mundane day to day tasks that we all do as part of our lives.
Never saw an open relationship last long, to tell the truth. Usually one partner falls in love with their lover and gets divorced. As humans, we are hard wired to form emotional bonds with our sex partners plus spending time having sex and fun with one person and living with someone that has to do the boring stuff with you as well, tends to make you like the fun person better. She is not going to nag you to do household chores, etc..
All too often, open relationships are started to try to save an unhappy marriage. That is the wrong time to do that and yet, I saw it happen many times. I am sure that there are many who have successful open relationships but I have never found any couple who did that and is still married as long as we are. 45 years with a poly relationship where we only had sex with others as a couple, never alone. We really never dated. We wife swapped with friends and brought a friend into our marriage without dating them first.
Maybe you too should take a break from each other to sort out your lives. I lost my first fiancée because she was sexually confused. It would have been better if she told me before I invested my time, money and love in her.
However, no one ever knew about it. Saw no reason to tell anyone as we never felt guilty about it. If asked we would have told the truth but usually no one would ask why your g/f hangs out with her girlfriend. Our g/f lived half her time in our house for 38 years and no one thought anything of it.
The first and the last, my wife, shared their girlfriends so that we both loved her. That prevented any problems. My second g/f spent her weekends with her girlfriend and I never even met her. Maybe that is why we did not last long. I see a difference between a poly and open relationship. An open relationship is where both partners can date whomever they want or at least date with certain limitations. A poly relationship in my day and age was living life with more than one partner as a family unit where all parties loved one another and shared in not only the fun sex stuff, but the mundane day to day tasks that we all do as part of our lives.
Never saw an open relationship last long, to tell the truth. Usually one partner falls in love with their lover and gets divorced. As humans, we are hard wired to form emotional bonds with our sex partners plus spending time having sex and fun with one person and living with someone that has to do the boring stuff with you as well, tends to make you like the fun person better. She is not going to nag you to do household chores, etc..
All too often, open relationships are started to try to save an unhappy marriage. That is the wrong time to do that and yet, I saw it happen many times. I am sure that there are many who have successful open relationships but I have never found any couple who did that and is still married as long as we are. 45 years with a poly relationship where we only had sex with others as a couple, never alone. We really never dated. We wife swapped with friends and brought a friend into our marriage without dating them first.
Maybe you too should take a break from each other to sort out your lives. I lost my first fiancée because she was sexually confused. It would have been better if she told me before I invested my time, money and love in her.
Hubby and I opened our marriage last year; not because of problems within the marriage, but because of a disparity in our sex drives.
Initially, we were going to try to avoid emotional involvement beyond friendship with other partners. But through the journey, Hubby realized that he's pretty much wired to be monoamorous and monosexual (if that's a thing...), and I realized and finally accepted and admitted that I am, and always have been, polyamorous.
For us, polyamory means that I am in relationships (currently) with Hubby, Guy, and S2. Because I have a minor child from my first marriage, cohabitating with either of the other men in a family manner wouldn't be possible; my kids' father would flip out and likely file yet another custody case. And it wouldn't be possible with Guy in any case since his life and kids are in Michigan, while Hubby and I live in Massachusetts.
But it isn't any less polyamorous, and although we haven't been in this as long as some, having an open marriage for *us* led to the realizations and acceptances that enabled polyamory to work for us.
Initially, we were going to try to avoid emotional involvement beyond friendship with other partners. But through the journey, Hubby realized that he's pretty much wired to be monoamorous and monosexual (if that's a thing...), and I realized and finally accepted and admitted that I am, and always have been, polyamorous.
For us, polyamory means that I am in relationships (currently) with Hubby, Guy, and S2. Because I have a minor child from my first marriage, cohabitating with either of the other men in a family manner wouldn't be possible; my kids' father would flip out and likely file yet another custody case. And it wouldn't be possible with Guy in any case since his life and kids are in Michigan, while Hubby and I live in Massachusetts.
But it isn't any less polyamorous, and although we haven't been in this as long as some, having an open marriage for *us* led to the realizations and acceptances that enabled polyamory to work for us.
maxnsue
Inactive
We never had kids because we were aware of the problems that it would cause, especially back in our times. Our g/f had a son and a husband who was OK with her being with us. She got the best of both worlds as did we all. I wish you the same happiness that we have had.
Thank you, and it's good to hear about a relationship that has existed as long as yours
My kids are from my first marriage, which was monogamous. (And emotionally abusive, but that's another story.) Hubby and I were monogamous from the time we started dating in 2008 until March 2013, which was when discussions led to the opening of the marriage. He and I've gone to great lengths and set certain boundaries to make sure that situation--and our current poly situation--doesn't impact the kids. My 19-year-old has been told what's going on, but the 16-year-old has not, though she's far from ignorant and I'm fairly sure she knows, or at least suspects.
My kids are from my first marriage, which was monogamous. (And emotionally abusive, but that's another story.) Hubby and I were monogamous from the time we started dating in 2008 until March 2013, which was when discussions led to the opening of the marriage. He and I've gone to great lengths and set certain boundaries to make sure that situation--and our current poly situation--doesn't impact the kids. My 19-year-old has been told what's going on, but the 16-year-old has not, though she's far from ignorant and I'm fairly sure she knows, or at least suspects.
hmm
to answer some of your questions.. My fiancee was hurt when I told her bout past crushes. In fact, I thought she was going to break up with me for it. The thing w me communicating more, I today agree with that. My fiancee has her girlfriend and me. That's it. Her girlfriend does not have another partner , and neither do I.. I never really thought to myself that I too may be polyamorous, until I discussed it with my fiancee.. The difference between my fiancee and I is that I'm too insecure to add anyone else to the mix.. She IS secure enough. If I were to add someone else , it wouldn't b for a relationship, it would b just dating..I can barely keep up with this relationship between my fiancee and I lol. But in all seriousness, I'm not comfortable adding anyone. My fiancee couldn't figure out y I didn't tell her sooner how I am.. Its because I can't explain anything without putting my foot in my mouth. Plus I beat around the bush about things. Its frustrating. Thank u for listening to me though.
to answer some of your questions.. My fiancee was hurt when I told her bout past crushes. In fact, I thought she was going to break up with me for it. The thing w me communicating more, I today agree with that. My fiancee has her girlfriend and me. That's it. Her girlfriend does not have another partner , and neither do I.. I never really thought to myself that I too may be polyamorous, until I discussed it with my fiancee.. The difference between my fiancee and I is that I'm too insecure to add anyone else to the mix.. She IS secure enough. If I were to add someone else , it wouldn't b for a relationship, it would b just dating..I can barely keep up with this relationship between my fiancee and I lol. But in all seriousness, I'm not comfortable adding anyone. My fiancee couldn't figure out y I didn't tell her sooner how I am.. Its because I can't explain anything without putting my foot in my mouth. Plus I beat around the bush about things. Its frustrating. Thank u for listening to me though.
a little more
Oops didn't know I posted again.. My fiancee is fine w me being poly myself.. She's cool with the idea of me maybe having someone else.. Even though I don't see myself acting on anything.. I'm too much of a chicken.. I'm gonna open up a little . I will be 24 next week, I am a trans man and I have a fiancee n she has a girlfriend n I have mentioned that already. I love my fiancee n I'm attracted to people who I don't even know sometimes. I'm already judged for being trans and transitioning from female to male, which makes me insecure. See what I meant?
Oops didn't know I posted again.. My fiancee is fine w me being poly myself.. She's cool with the idea of me maybe having someone else.. Even though I don't see myself acting on anything.. I'm too much of a chicken.. I'm gonna open up a little . I will be 24 next week, I am a trans man and I have a fiancee n she has a girlfriend n I have mentioned that already. I love my fiancee n I'm attracted to people who I don't even know sometimes. I'm already judged for being trans and transitioning from female to male, which makes me insecure. See what I meant?