ARRRRGGGGG (venting)

A

alternativevirgo

New member
Hello all.

I'm new to poly relationships. The first person I was with (since my husband Ted and I decided to act on how we've been feeling) is leaving me all kinds of loopy in the heart/brain.

Martin is someone I've been attracted to for a few months. My (apparently obvious) attraction to him is what prompted Ted and me to explore polyamory. Ted had been in poly relationships when he was younger, so he's more comfortable with the dynamic. I am comfortable with the dynamic as well, but apparently Martin is not.

That didn't stop him from becoming sexually involved (no intercourse) with me, and then backing away, then getting sexually involved (no intercourse) with me again, and then deciding he wants to put this relationship "on hold" because he's in a "weird place." But we finally had intercourse after he put this "on hold," and he made out with me last week.

Now has a date with a girl we both know, who I get the feeling isn't into the whole poly thing. I feel like an idiot for even going after him.

I hadn't dated others in four years, since I met my husband. But I know when someone is jerking me around, or doesn't know what he wants, so my emotions are collateral damage while he figures stuff out. Like, if being polyamorous isn't your thing, that's cool. But don't be all wishy-washy about it. Just because I'm married doesn't mean that rejection doesn't still hurt. And do you need to flirt right in front of me? That's not nice.

Is this normal for you guys, or did I just pick a lemon?
 
No Lemonade to be Had There!

I'd say you picked a lemon. I've gone through this exact scenario, and find that people who have been mono most of their lives have a hard time wrapping their heads around poly, or even seriously considering integrating it into their core.

I have found that releasing attachment & expectation, slowing down pacing, and exploring connections with more than one person has been helpful for me. When I pin all my desires on one person it's way worse than if I'm lightly dating a couple of people to see if there's true potential there.

I have been in that exact same scenario, and had to step away from it and move on for my own happiness, no matter how into him I was.
 
Hi,

First of all, you're not an idiot. You wanted to pursue him. You went with your idea. That's an achievement. The not-working-out part? Psssh! Those happen. You wouldn't have had any way of knowing without giving it a try, and you did. Be proud of that.

Maybe he thought he could do poly. Maybe he even wanted to. I don't know him, so I can only speculate on his thoughts. Maybe he is a lemon. Lemons happen too.

Keep your wits about you, process your feelings, and go find a tangerine or a huckleberry, or even a pineapple. There are all kinds of wonderful fruits and vegetables out in the world. :)
 
Hey there...

I'm sorry your hurting. He sounds like a child. I'd not bother with him again. He may very well try to engage you in a relationship again if this new girl doesn't work out. Stay strong and find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

Nancy
 
I think it's great that you know when to abandon ship. It seems to be a hard step for many people to take. As for the type of produce that man happens to be, he is simply a bit rotten. Most guys are of a much better nature, and I understand you have your husband around, so you know at least one guy is worthwhile out there. :)

As for my opinion, try not to beat yourself up over him. He is not worth it, frankly, and life will move on just fine without him. No one likes to have their chain jerked, or to be strung along. And though it does hurt to leave things behind, remember you're better off for getting out of there quickly than waiting around in blind hope whilst pain builds up. Ya done good. And you have our support here on this forum, of course.
 
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