Coping with sharing your wife sexually

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poobah123

New member
I'm am a 37-year old man in a poly relationship. My wife Sarah (38) and I are in a relationship with another married couple, Sunny and Sam. While I have been pro-poly for the past 10 months, Sarah is only one month into her relationship with Sam. The problem is that her relationship has become very physical, and I am having the worst time dealing with it. I feel hurt, sad, angry, betrayed, disgusted and sometimes repulsed by her actions, even though I allow them. One part of me wants her to be happy, and the other part is just sick, enough to make me rethink this poly lifestyle.

How do I cope with these emotions?

For some background, Sarah was a very close-minded person with serious emotional issues. Since this started the three of us have helped her come out of her shell. She is discovering herself sexually and emotionally.

For example, I finally convinced her to try a vibrator and she recently masturbated for the first time in her life!

Also, she now is friendlier and has made some friends.

Thanks for any insight.
 
It sounds like the experience has been good for her. What is it that you fear the most? I say "fear" because your reaction is quite extreme, especially after "allowing" this relationship. You share things that you own. You do not own your wife. Poly is about love, not just sex, and love is expansive. Don't you want the people you love to be happy and free? Have you and this other couple been too focused on the physical and not enough on building loving relationships? Is this disgust based on attachment and possessiveness, or a feeling that what she is doing makes you less of a man or husband?

Turn it around. What about what you do? Aren't you sexual with the other couple yourself? Should she be disgusted at that, or want you to feel satisfaction and freedom? Do you have a double standard when it comes to what is allowable for a man and a woman in a couple?

I think you have to dig deep to get underneath the reactions you are having and see where they are coming from in order to "deal with" them.
 
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The whole experience thus far has been mostly emotional and much less physical. Sarah really has gotten a huge amount of support from me and the other couple. They are like family to us now.

Yes, I tell myself I want all those things, and yes, I am physical with Sunny. I am not concerned about Sarah having feels at all. It's just that I seem to have a hang-up about her having sex with another man.

I've been digging. I think you made a great point. "Is it a double standard?" I think my upbringing, societal influence and her previously being so close-minded prevented me from ever considering her wanting another man sexually.

Obviously I, as a man, have always wanted more physical action, especially since I have only been with one, my wife. I need to change my programming.

Thanks for responding. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with in my life.
 
I once had a very wise teacher who used to say, "We live in the atmosphere of our beliefs. If you don't like the air you're breathing, change your beliefs."

Self-examination isn't always easy. Have compassion for yourself and Sarah as you keep examining your responses to things. See if, when you have a reaction, you can step back from it and notice where it's coming from. There is a difference between feelings that rise in us organically, out of our sensitivities (like grief, for example), which have an ebb and flow, and the kinds of emotional reactions we create from our thoughts and obsess on.

The more you can get familiar with your thought process, the easier it becomes to identify patterns of thinking that spark certain emotional reactions. It takes practice to live in the moment and not give way to "stinking thinking." I would say, if these feelings of disgust, anger, or betrayal emerge again, don't focus on her and what she's up to, but rather on yourself and your internal process, kind of like a scientist observing. Just go, "Hmm, now what am I feeling here? Why am I having this reaction? What do I get out of feeling this way?" and so on. It truly does help in understanding yourself and how you relate to others if you can unravel your thinking rather than follow the thoughts on a roller coaster ride of angst and drama.
 
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Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, because you had to deal with all her emotional and sexual baggage, and others are now benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month. Maybe things are moving a little too fast.
 
SNeacail said:
Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, because you had to deal with all her emotional and sexual baggage and others are now benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month. Maybe things are moving a little too fast.
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Yes, absolutely. I feel hurt. Like, how can you make me wait 20 years for one of my fantasies, and then turn around and give it to Sam in 4 weeks? I agree things are moving too fast. I sent her an email saying that this morning. I understand though, that she was "in the moment" and excited, but nonetheless, it hurts.

We did not talk enough about what was allowed and not allowed. She was with Sam on Sunday morning. I thought I was agreeing to some quiet time and kissing, but found out it went way beyond that. It was both our faults.

I am trying to reflect on my emotions and why they are there. I guess it will take time.
 
Hmm, yes, reflection, but also establishing boundaries seems to be the order of the day for you. And when you discuss boundaries, make sure everyone's on the same page in understanding them, by repeating back what was said and asking for how everyone defines specific words and concepts. Maybe some things were just never very clear to all involved.

I might add, however, be careful that you're not attempting to slow things down "on purpose," as a way to control, know what I mean? Make sure that what you ask for is about meeting comfort levels and feeling on equal ground -- NOT retaliation for the turmoil you've put yourself through. Not saying that you are or would be doing that, but it's something to watch out for. Remember, you may still need to make some compromises, and boundaries can be renegotiated.
 
Yes, I totally agree. I am not going to do that.

We had a talk last night. I told Sarah how I felt hurt, that she should have thought about me, and taken things slow. She knew I was not totally comfortable with things. The problem was that she performed three big things with him, one of which was something I wanted to leave between us. It was my fault I did not communicate this to her and I admitted that.

She then started feeling "slutty" because she did so much. She got all upset and was crying. I eventually calmed her down. I told her it's a double standard with men and women and she shouldn't feel like that. It was with someone she loves and someone I trust and approve of. I think she is coming to grips with it.

To be honest, I really wanted to end this all. Right now it just makes me so uncomfortable that I am willing to end my physical relationship with Sunny. In the end, I decided that I would fight through these feelings. Making Sarah happy is my main concern. Obviously if 6 months go by and I can't come to grips with it, then fine, I will deal with it then. Until then, I want to try and deal with these emotions.
 
You may need to come to grips with the fact that Sarah is coming into her own sexual revolution, of sorts. She is doing things with others because she is doing better. Revel in her doing better, instead of the timing of how she is doing things with Sam.

Is this "doing better" part of your relationship too? Is she now sexually more available for you, as well?

Stop looking at what was, and look to the future. It sounds like things are going well. Be happy she is happy, and happy with you too.
 
Yes, she is sharing her newfound sexuality with me. I guess I thought that after waiting 18 years for things, it would only be with me.
 
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