Ravenscroft
Banned
{Actually, I was researching other things, & this topic kept recurring, so I kept setting browser windows aside. Here's the result.}
Another member here expressed surprise that I "take it easy" on couples who show up here, hoping to find one special person who will complete them, make their family perfect. This, of course, is clear Monogamist thinking, & I am devoutly anti-Monogamism.
But, really, I know that the great majority of them are good-hearted, starry-eyed people who simply don't (yet) know any better. Given some direction, most are capable of moving in the direction of egalitarian nonmonogamy -- polyfidelity if not polyamory -- rather than Monogamistic "marriage + 1." And by paying attention to the polyfolk who've gone before them, they increase their chances of finding actual happiness, so call it a "win/win."
Then I found myself at the site of The Polyamory Media Association (Established 2008). Originally an erstwhile speakers' bureau, they've pared back to offering advice on how people ought to present themselves when representing polyamory, like what clothing you should wear. Certainly, what we need more than anything is our own Martha Stewart/Emily Post
but YMMV.
I was immediately drawn to Soundbites for the Polyamory Community, ported from The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 2007. (Here's the original page, which has been relocated.)
While I can certainly see benefits to having more polyfolk on the same page about more stuff, it's weird to have someone telling you & me to robotically parrot vapid authoritative-sounding phrases as though they are Holy Scripture & we have just encountered Satan standing on the path before us. No, I'm not kidding --
I'm only going to choose because we don't have a PUKE emoticon.
________________
That got me to thinking about the Unicorn Hunter couples again. I mean, talk about an uphill battle!! So, my effort to include some literature that might actually be helpful, at least giving the hopefuls a bit of Reality that might be "an anchor for their enthusiasm."
First, a nonscientific consideration of the odds of finding Miss Perfect, by Maxine Green:
Polyamory and Statistics, or “Why haven't we found our third yet?”
________________
A short essay by Micah Schneider considering difficulties caused by preconceptions. (Though I like the essay, the page clogged my tracker blocker (6!) & my ad blocker (43!!), so be warned.)
________________
A somewhat better article on the Journals of a Polyamorous Triad blog -- someone speaking from experience.
________________
Though it never got very far, there's some interesting items at Unicorns-R-Us. The home page gets you the extensive essay "So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?" It goes into great depth on the preconceptions so generally held by "seeking" couples & why these work against them. But unlike so many similar pieces, it doesn't stop there, & goes off showing specifically why these attitudes are self-defeating, & winds up with a very good description of how it can be done right. My fave quote (of the moment), from about 3/4 the way through, aimed at those who expect to somehow "fix" their failing/broken dyad --
A shorter essay, addressing the frustration of couples who have been able to find sexual partners but none who wanted to "marry in."
________________
There's also this flowchart which makes a devastating summary of the behaviors some of us have watched play out, over & over again. (Notice where the "Getting Frustrated Yet?" decision box sends them!! And both outcomes of "Did We Get Validation?" ) Hint for happiness: don't do this stuff!!
{I've moved this to its own thread, else it screws up the page formatting!! You can of course see it on its original site.}
________________
And, finally, there's marketing. A recurring question from new members to this site is "where can we find interested women?" or maybe "isn't there an app for that yet?" Apparently, "polyamory" is a HUGE way of getting cash (or at least personal information) from
There's a proliferation of "portal" URLs that direct users back into the general pool -- you could sign up for five or six sites & find they're ALL THE SAME. IMO, for those of us not in/near a major urban area, these sites are overall useless, & I'll incluse OKC & AFF & Fetlife & all the rest in there... & if I were in a proper city, I'd have much better luck AND more overall fun going out to actual events & venues to meet people rather than waste my time tweaking my profile.
Here's a brief romp through "poly dating" sites -- note the photos.
https://www.polyamorouscommunity.com/
https://www.polyamorychatcity.com/
https://www.polyamorousrelationship.com/
https://openrelationshipdating.com/
https://www.polyamorousdatingsite.com/
https://www.polyamorypersonals.ca/
https://www.polyamorouslifestyle.com/
https://www.polyamorouslove.com/
https://www.polyamorydatingsite.com/
http://www.non-monogamy.com/?lc=en-US
Another member here expressed surprise that I "take it easy" on couples who show up here, hoping to find one special person who will complete them, make their family perfect. This, of course, is clear Monogamist thinking, & I am devoutly anti-Monogamism.
But, really, I know that the great majority of them are good-hearted, starry-eyed people who simply don't (yet) know any better. Given some direction, most are capable of moving in the direction of egalitarian nonmonogamy -- polyfidelity if not polyamory -- rather than Monogamistic "marriage + 1." And by paying attention to the polyfolk who've gone before them, they increase their chances of finding actual happiness, so call it a "win/win."
Then I found myself at the site of The Polyamory Media Association (Established 2008). Originally an erstwhile speakers' bureau, they've pared back to offering advice on how people ought to present themselves when representing polyamory, like what clothing you should wear. Certainly, what we need more than anything is our own Martha Stewart/Emily Post
but YMMV.I was immediately drawn to Soundbites for the Polyamory Community, ported from The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 2007. (Here's the original page, which has been relocated.)
While I can certainly see benefits to having more polyfolk on the same page about more stuff, it's weird to have someone telling you & me to robotically parrot vapid authoritative-sounding phrases as though they are Holy Scripture & we have just encountered Satan standing on the path before us. No, I'm not kidding --
And what are these gems? Seriously, I doubt the sanity of the entire NCSF for expecting the (apparently clueless) poly masses to memorize dozens of jargon-wads, some of them quite huge. I'll leave you to read up, but the one that leapt out at me is really impressive for reinforcing a stereotype some of us have fought for decades --
Right there, polyamory is diminished to a "lovestyle" that exists only to support "committed relationships."
I'm only going to choose
because we don't have a PUKE emoticon.________________
That got me to thinking about the Unicorn Hunter couples again. I mean, talk about an uphill battle!! So, my effort to include some literature that might actually be helpful, at least giving the hopefuls a bit of Reality that might be "an anchor for their enthusiasm."
First, a nonscientific consideration of the odds of finding Miss Perfect, by Maxine Green:
Polyamory and Statistics, or “Why haven't we found our third yet?”
________________
A short essay by Micah Schneider considering difficulties caused by preconceptions. (Though I like the essay, the page clogged my tracker blocker (6!) & my ad blocker (43!!), so be warned.)
________________
A somewhat better article on the Journals of a Polyamorous Triad blog -- someone speaking from experience.
________________
Though it never got very far, there's some interesting items at Unicorns-R-Us. The home page gets you the extensive essay "So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?" It goes into great depth on the preconceptions so generally held by "seeking" couples & why these work against them. But unlike so many similar pieces, it doesn't stop there, & goes off showing specifically why these attitudes are self-defeating, & winds up with a very good description of how it can be done right. My fave quote (of the moment), from about 3/4 the way through, aimed at those who expect to somehow "fix" their failing/broken dyad --
________________
A shorter essay, addressing the frustration of couples who have been able to find sexual partners but none who wanted to "marry in."
________________
There's also this flowchart which makes a devastating summary of the behaviors some of us have watched play out, over & over again. (Notice where the "Getting Frustrated Yet?" decision box sends them!!
And both outcomes of "Did We Get Validation?" ) Hint for happiness: don't do this stuff!!{I've moved this to its own thread, else it screws up the page formatting!! You can of course see it on its original site.}
________________
And, finally, there's marketing. A recurring question from new members to this site is "where can we find interested women?" or maybe "isn't there an app for that yet?"
Apparently, "polyamory" is a HUGE way of getting cash (or at least personal information) from- couples looking for single women
- single men looking for anything
- married men looking for anything
There's a proliferation of "portal" URLs that direct users back into the general pool -- you could sign up for five or six sites & find they're ALL THE SAME. IMO, for those of us not in/near a major urban area, these sites are overall useless, & I'll incluse OKC & AFF & Fetlife & all the rest in there... & if I were in a proper city, I'd have much better luck AND more overall fun going out to actual events & venues to meet people rather than waste my time tweaking my profile.
Here's a brief romp through "poly dating" sites -- note the photos.
https://www.polyamorouscommunity.com/
https://www.polyamorychatcity.com/
https://www.polyamorousrelationship.com/
https://openrelationshipdating.com/
https://www.polyamorousdatingsite.com/
https://www.polyamorypersonals.ca/
https://www.polyamorouslifestyle.com/
https://www.polyamorouslove.com/
https://www.polyamorydatingsite.com/
http://www.non-monogamy.com/?lc=en-US
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