Discovery!

[Anneintherain]

Is not wanting her new OSO all over me also wrong? If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with them.

1. Do you go right from being with your live-in partner and having fun with them (sexual or not) to having fun with your girlfriend? Is that wrong? Would you refrain from making out with a live-in partner if you had a date with somebody else that night who was uncomfortable with this?

2. The second part is totally right as rain, as long as everybody is comfortable with it. If you want to ask for separate date nights, where she doesn't see other partners, of course, that is fine. But I don't know that she is obliged to agree to this if she wants to have a warm body next to her at night. I don't think I saw you address if you go home after a date with your gf and avoid your SO, or are willing to live by the same agreements you would ask of your girlfriend. It seems obvious your gf wouldn't ask that of you, because it doesn't make much sense.

I found out that my boyfriend was going over to his primary partner's house to spend the night after our dates sometimes (that ended at 11pm). I felt a bit of odd about that when she told me, but it was for her comfort level to have that happen. I sure wouldn't ask him to stay at home and not be with her for X amount of hours after we had sex, whether or not he lived with her. I certainly would not hesitate to ask for a non-married partner not to go have second dates after a date with me if I were having big problems with it, but I hope that would be temporary while I figured out how that was any different than if I were dating a married person who went home to their wife.

And as for your gf feeling ALONE and disconnected when you leave? That could be a combination of things, lonely, sad, she knows you are not hers anymore until your next date and if she dwells on that she will feel unsatisfied in the relationship and not want to be in it. You might feel the same way if you were a solo poly and dating a married person. I have heard from one solo dating a married person that they know where the relationship begins and ends, and there are limits. So letting your emotions be too present when you're not together can lead wanting more than you have and being miserable.

 

[Anneintherain]

These are the things that have been going through my head.

• What happened to taking things slowly and if there's a problem, we all take time and work it out? Isn't that how things are supposed to work?
• What happened to edging into this carefully until we're certain it works for both of us?
• So she's great! She rocks your world! And because of that I have to suck it up and deal rather than us taking it slowly. That's not the agreement we made!
• Half the problem is the problem itself. The other half of the problem is my interpretation of her response:
  
  
  I didn't see, "Crap. Okay, let's slow down and work on it."
  
  So far as I can tell: I got anger. I got resentment. I got the message that I was messing with her relationship. It seemed clear that she had no interest trying to make my limit work . She just decided it won't work and that I was interfering in her relationship.
  
  It would have been lovely to have acknowledgment that their relationship had already seriously impinged upon ours.​

• Why am I being made out to be the bad guy for discovering a limit?

• I gave up our time so she could get a need met and now, when I have a sudden need, an issue, I get anger. I really, really resent that and it's injured my trust. You aren't thinking about us, anymore, you're thinking about you and her.

I just want to address this a bit. You aren't a bad guy for discovering a limit. I am guessing one or both of you aren't using very good communication skills, and the discussion around this subject gets heated, people get defensive and feel misunderstood.

Don't give up date nights. There are 7 nights in a week. You can see how this can cause problems, especially because you are feeling you deserve the same caring you feel you showed her by bending your plans to make her happy, and she isn't, so you're pissed.

You see how you reference your interpretation of her remarks? Just because she didn't word things the way you wanted, or tell you what you wanted to hear, does not mean she means any of that (not that she might not).

You have to say. "HEY! I really want you to slow down and work on this, but I can't tell if you are willing to do so or not. Can we please talk about this?"

Don't assume anything, and be willing to be vulnerable enough to re-request what you need if you think your partner is ignoring you, because half the time people have no idea what other people mean, and they go ahead and act on these misinterpretations, and things go to hell fast.

Of course she thinks you're interfering in her relationship if you are asking things of her that she wouldn't ask of you because you already have a live-in partner, and she doesn't tell you how to run that relationship, or what rules or agreements she wants you to make with them. So some of her stuff coming up now might be based on that

If you were acting as if it should be obvious you get more say over her relationships than she gets over yours, you should just throw that idea out the window and start the conversation over. Just focus on telling her how you feel, and asking her for what you want, to help you deal with this, or request compromises, saying, "Please don't see other partners on our date nights for at least X amount of time, until I am feeling more sure that our bond is still important to you, too."

 

[Derbylicious]

The difference between saying, "I don't want you seeing your other partner right after you've seen me," and "I need for there to be some time between when your date with your other partner ends and when you see me again," is that, in the first case, you are setting limits on what she is allowed to do with someone else, and in the second case you are asserting limits you have on your own relationship with her.

 

[AnnabelMore]

And as for your gf feeling ALONE and disconnected when you leave? That could be a combination of things, lonely, sad, she knows you are not hers anymore until your next date and if she dwells on that she will feel unsatisfied in the relationship and not want to be in it. You might feel the same way if you were a single poly and dating a married person, I have heard from one single dating a married person that they know where the relationship begins and ends and there are limits, so letting your emotions be too present when you're not together can lead wanting more than you have and being miserable.

THIS. When your partner has a live-in life partner and you don't, it takes hard work not to focus on a) the fact that you play a lesser role in his or her life, and b) that he or she has this amazing privilege of having a support person there basically 24/7 and you don't.

To the married folk... I know, I know, solo life has its benefits and marriage its downsides. And heck, maybe you've even offered to move your solo partner in with you and got shot down! Maybe this set up is entirely the solo person's choice! That doesn't change the fact that the two of you are living very different lives on a day to day basis, and that the stability and presence of a full-time partner in your life and the absence of such in theirs can create the feeling of a power imbalance, or a void for the solo person. At the very least, it makes a lotta sense that you each might employ some different relational strategies with your other partners.