Feeling bratty (triad)

[Karelia]

My husband, Dan, and our GF, Delia, have alone time tonight. I screwed up estimating the time on dinner and that resulted in them having it until 10 pm, which is about an hour later than it normally would be. Delia goes to bed at 10:30, so that means I get basically no time with her tonight.

They've done nothing wrong, but I'm still irritated. Dan gave us an hour extra yesterday during our time (which is not normally on weekends, but was being made up). We needed it for reasons I won't go into, but we had great time.

Dan and I were home alone all day. It was boring. He sprang something on me ten minutes after I woke regarding plans for the day, and it meant busy work all day long, but it was something I know needed doing. It was just sort of dumped on me without warning, which I wasn't thrilled about. He and I discussed that, because at ten minutes after waking up, he didn't get the best reception to that.

On top of that, I knew Delia was going to be working overtime this week, but they were discussing it and they only mentioned Thursday. I thought it was all she could get. But it's actually every night except tonight (because they had to pay OT and holiday pay since it's Labor Day here in the US). So it impacts my alone time with Delia later this week, but not Dan's tonight.

Which again, is not a huge thing, especially since she and I had the extra hour yesterday, but it's also not something I was thrilled to find out about when I first woke up. Plus, it's an issue they need to work on. They tend to discuss things that involve us all and forget to clue me in. Both of them have horrible memories, so it's not shocking, and it's not like it hasn't happened with me and her to him, or me and him to her. But it happens more for them, especially now that I am working, because they talk on the phone during the day, and I can't talk at work at all, really.

So, I guess there were just a few minor irritations. Now, when Delia's done, I'll barely get to see her. And if Dan goes to bed when she does, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep yet (which sucks, I am awful at sleeping).

I suppose between my screw-up with dinner, the miscommunication with Dan and me on the chore for today, and them not filling me in on Delia's schedule, it was all just enough to get on my nerves. I *know* I am being stupid and silly. I just wish I wasn't feeling bratty.

Anyway, I just figured I'd vent here, rather than take my mood out on them when they are done in an hour or so. I don't begrudge them the time. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, it seems.

Okay, here's the thing. I still deal with a tremendous amount of anxiety when they are having alone time. I recognize it as important. I want it with both of them. I want them to have it with each other. But I'm still struggling with it on some level that is really frustrating for me.

I admit that sex is part of it, mostly the "will they or won't they?" factor. I don't know why. I assume they will, as they do most times. Delia and I have been most times lately, so it's not like it's unbalanced, although, on Dan's end it has been, as a previous post of mine indicates. However, he and I are going back to scheduled alone time, so that should hopefully help to balance that out.

I can't really explain what I feel. It's not jealousy. I'm not worried (anymore) that they sit there and talk shit about me. I admit to envy over the sex, because it rules out sex for all three of us, or for me and either of them. It goes back to the whole highest sex drive thing, and feeling taken for granted as a sure thing. Let's face it, when there's a lot of something to go around, it's usually the less desired thing. I want sex more than either of them, so I think neither of them really build up a whole lot of wanting me. Delia does more than him, I think. But I guess on some level that makes sense, because he's having sex with two people of the same gender. While I get that it's very different, because we're very different women, it's *still* not AS different.

So, I get this overwhelming anxiety during their alone time every single freakin' week. I am hoping it will get better now that he and I are back to having a scheduled alone time. I just can't explain it, and I don't want to dump this on them because I know it will weigh on their minds when they're doing alone time... and that's just not fair. If I *knew* what the issue was, I might consider talking to them. I don't even really know what it is.

I admit to abandonment issues, so that's possibly part of it. I also tend to feel anxiety about situations I am not in control of, and obviously I have no control whatsoever over what they choose to do with their alone time (nor should I). He's happy with me and her having time. He has no envy (well, maybe a bit over the multiple orgasms, lol). He has no insecurities where she and I are concerned.

I don't worry that she's better than I am. I've talked to both of them extensively about that, because I did worry for a while, but I've come to see it as comparing a sports car to an SUV. Both are vehicles that will get you there, but they have very little in common in terms of how they handle or what they're best for... he liked this analogy when I gave it to him.

There are things *I* do compare... I guess some comparison is inevitable. He told me initially he didn't care for her kissing style, even though he loves kissing her. Since then they've sort of met in the middle (and he and I noticed independently of each other that our own kissing style has changed). She and I never had that issue, as she seemed to kiss me quite differently from the way she kissed him. So maybe because there are things I know I compare, I worry they do, too... however, I also recognize that while I compare it I don't want to do those things any less with one of them because they don't do it the same way... so why should I assume that's true of me?

I know this is still early on. I've been a bit spoiled by being my husband's whole world for nine years. So I guess it's inevitable that I might have some issues. There are times when I think I am being too hard on myself... I feel what I feel, after all. There are other times when I just want to kick myself for being bratty and for letting ridiculous stuff get to me.

This is an issue that falls somewhere in between those reactions because I am *not* sure what the trigger is... I just hope it gets easier as time goes on.

Okay, enough venting. Gonna spend time with him before bed. Thanks for reading.

 

[XYZ123]

I think some jealousy, fear, and insecurity is normal from time to time with any human being. It isn't about just turning it off. It's about learning how to handle it productively.

There is something about your situation that has nagged at me from day 1 though. (And this is only me and something I couldn't handle personally.) You seem to have this stringent "alone time" schedule that I just don't get. To me it takes out some of the natural falling together of the relationship. I understand if it's a scheduled "date night" where only two of you go out once a week or so. But to have strictly scheduled time in your own home while one of you is there being left out? I couldn't handle that at all.

What if you're all having a great dinner conversation? "Oh, it's 8PM. WE have to go. See you in an hour"?

What if a situation arises where you're all cuddling and it begins to lead to intimacy? "Oh, YOU can't have sex with us, because we have scheduled alone time right now"? You are all together and then, suddenly, one is alone.

Do these situations arise? How do you handle them?

My gf wasn't live-in, so those things really didn't come up much. But there would be times where I was supposed to stay at her house, and we had an overnight sitter, and when hubby dropped me off, we all got to talking and he'd stay, as well. There would be times where she came by to take me out, and I wouldn't be in the mood, and the two of them would go get a drink, and she'd end up staying unexpectedly. It was just a natural flow. I was much more comfortable than if things had to be scheduled.

 

[NeonKaos]

You seem to have this stringent "alone time" schedule that I just don't get. To me it takes out some of the natural falling together of the relationship.

Me too, that; and having to "make up" the extra hours spent with one person on the "other person's time".

 

[Karelia]

Well...

I was the one who wanted the alone time, back when she first moved in. There were a few reasons for this. One was that she and I were not working, so we had a lot of unstructured alone time that he didn't get with either of us. The other was that I felt I needed to learn to adjust to their individual relationship and become more comfortable with that concept. Finally, some poly people I know (not from here), strongly recommended it as something helpful.

As for it being rigidly scheduled, it's not as much so as it might sound. We do all have dinner together first. In fact, that's something I've offered to back out of, once or twice, to give them more time, and they've both vehemently protested, as they want dinner time to be about all of us. Once or twice, I've had to run an errand, and couldn't stay for dinner, and none of us liked it much. If a great conversation is going, we finish it. If that means our alone time starts later, so be it. We've never been in the situation where we were all cuddling and one thing led to another, but we've talked about it, and the theory is that if that ever happened, we'd finish what was started.

There is a part of me that really likes to know I have those two hours free each week to do whatever I like alone. It's just the anxiety that ruins that freedom for me... not necessarily the entire time, but at least part of it.

I talked to them both last night, and explained that this anxiety is something I am working through, and not something that I believe is actually related to either of them. I very much think that whatever I am feeling is related to something within myself... some insecurity, or lack of sense of control, or whatever that comes from my very troubled childhood.

I decided that I needed to let them know about this, however, because while I don't yet know what exactly is triggering these feelings (or even entirely what the feelings are), I do know a few things. One is that the "did they or didn't they?" where sex is concerned makes me much crazier than simply knowing. So I have to ask. I want to get to the point where I don't have to ask, where I honestly do not care (except in so much that I want them to enjoy each other, and if that's part of it, I want to be fully relaxed, and comfortable with that and happy for them).

I needed them to know that if I seem particularly quiet, or take a few minutes to join them when they've finished (and we're all going to do something together afterwards, which is typically what we do), it's not because I'm upset with either of them, hurt by anything they've done, or on the verge of a meltdown (which he in particular is still concerned about, given my mental health issues related to stupid gabapentin early on). I might just need a few minutes to breathe deeply and get the anxiety under control so that it doesn't become something I take out on them.

As I talked to them I became more clear on what I know for sure, and this is what I let them know:

1) I am not upset or hurt by them having sex alone. I *want* that for them. I want the chance to have that with each of them, too. As much as I love it to be all three of us, there are times when it's nice to have just two of us. With Dan, it's important, because our relationship came first, and is the foundation all of this has been built upon. With Delia, it's because sex with a woman is still a new thing for me. It's the unexpected fulfillment of what was basically a lifelong fantasy. And it's nice to have her all to myself. I get something wonderful out of the moments all of Us share, but I also get something out of my time alone with each of them, and that's not just about sex. She and I do things alone that he and I don't, and vice versa.

2) I am fully secure in my relationship with Dan. I am also no longer worried that any of these "issues" that develop for me are things I cannot conquer. I have already come quite far. He's in full-on compersion mode. She's not quite full-on, but close. I'm not them, though. I am me. I need to recognize, and need them to, also, that I going to get there in my own due time. I have already changed quite a bit (it helps that I'm off that awful medication), and I believe that I will continue to grow as long as I am honest and own my feelings, and allow myself the right to feel them, too.

The point, however, is that I am not worried any longer that Delia loves Dan more than she loves me, or that he wants sex with her more than he does with me, or that I'm still so new at sex with a woman that I'm not giving Delia all she needs/wants. I've been reassured and have grown enough to see that they both love me and want me (and the things I've struggled with, with him, regarding sex are issues Dan and I had even before Delia, so I don't believe them to be a matter of him wanting her more or not wanting me at all... even if sometimes I get insecure and allow myself to obsess over that, I know it's not true).

3) I worked through major abandonment issues early in my relationship with Dan. Once I became confident he wouldn't cheat on me or leave me for someone else, I became paranoid about losing him because he would die somehow. I know the source of this anxiety. I was "abandoned" by all of my family members at one point or another. My father - following my mother leaving him - told me that if she didn't take him back, he'd drive into a brick wall and kill himself. (I was six at the time.) I didn't remember that until my mother told me she suspected it was the source of my fear of death of those I loved - a fear I'd been aware of since I was 8 and held our cat on the bed begging him not to die and leave me.

When I saw these fears surfacing early on in my live-in relationship with Dan, I went to therapy and spent about four years working through those issues. I suspect that adding Delia to the mix has made some of those issues resurface.. Plus the reality is that I was spoiled by him for 9 1/2 years. I was his entire world, and now I'm not, which is okay, but I think that's where some of the "brattiness" comes into play. There are times when I think my behavior is like that of a child (at least in terms of thoughts, if not actions), and I think that it's because I'm adjusting to this new reality. But I get something pretty major out of it, too. I'm not NOT the center anymore, as Dan put it. It's just there are two focal points (he's a geek). And I get to be one of those for Delia, too.

I *do* think that ending my "scheduled" alone time with Dan had an impact, and Delia told me last night that she was really concerned about that decision (which wasn't mine, btw, but his), because she thought that it might not be the best thing for me emotionally. So she was very happy when he reinstated it after I started working part-time.

I think that a lot of this anxiety has built up since she began working, and therefore ties into the end of him and me having scheduled time alone. As I said to them last night, before Delia worked, she and I had lots of time alone, but it wasn't quite the same as the "alone time" that was initiated after I talked to them both about wanting that.. Just because we were alone didn't mean we made the best use of that time. And I think the same basic thing has been happening for Dan and me. We spent some of that time actually together, but very little of it in a setting that allowed for intimacy to develop, whereas their scheduled time almost always takes place downstairs in the guest room - a setting that naturally leads to that intimacy.

Anyway. That's what I know as of today. I know that I need to allow myself these feelings, while not allowing the feelings to control me. The only thing I need from them, the only thing I think they can do to help, is to understand that I am working through this, and at times may be quiet or need some time after they've been alone together.

And with that, I'm off to work. *sigh* I enjoyed the long weekend too much. lol