having back and forth acceptance

[RainStorm3]

My husband has said he wants to try a mono/poly relationship. I'm mono he's poly. We have known for a while. My problem is I go from being ok with his new intrest to absolutley flipping my lid. Is this normal? I am honestly all for his new realtionship. But I keep fighting myself. I want him to be happy. I'm happy when he is. I like the woman he is seeing and was wondering if it ever works if the primary would like to be friends with secondary? My husband says it would make him uncomfortable. Any insights as to why??? Thanks for all help. This forum has been a great help glad I found people who are not judgemental and understand. Society has such ignorant people!

 

[swingorpoly]

Sounds normal at the start to have ups and downs. I think how you handle the ups/downs and forge through them is the key. Expect it to be hell, but you'll get over it once you talk throu the issues. Every subsequent time gets easier if you ask me.

I think that if the significant other makes your husband happy why shouldn't you get to meet. You may never be friends but you should atleast be civil. My wife is quite close to my girlfriend....which feels like they are ganging up on me but it's all good. They've even had a bit of playtime together.

On the flipside i like my wife's boyfriend and am very civil but if we didn't have her in common i probably would never be a friend of his....so that relationship stays more as an acquaintance to me. We're just too different. Think star trek geek x 10. it's just a little too much for me to hang with.

Good luck.

 

[km34]

I think it sounds pretty normal. The main thing I would advise you to do is figuring out WHY you freak out now and then. Is there a specific trigger? Is it you psyching yourself out?

As for reasons why your husband would be uncomfortable with you befriending his girlfriend.. I think that's something you need to talk to him about. It could be any number of things from him thinking it would increase your discomfort with their relationship to trying to hide something from one or both of you. Good and bad reasons, silly or valid, there are all kinds of things it could be. Just talk to him.

 

[CielDuMatin]

Definitely normal, from my experience (and what I have read of others). Definitely try to be introspective when it comes to what causes you discomfort or anguish, and discuss it with him.

As for being friends with his secondary, this can actually be a huge help to the communication. If you do not have any contact, then he is put in the middle of any "competing needs". I have been there before and it is highly unpleasant - you usually end up disappointing both partners, and that is horrible. Much better if you can resolve things by talking directly to each other. It turns the other person into a real person, rather than a concept, which usually helps to reduce the level of fear and insecurity.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

It turns the other person into a real person, rather than a concept, which usually helps to reduce the level of fear and insecurity.

Quoted For Truth!

TGIB is my first poly relationship- everything before was open-ish/FWBs types of things. One reason my relationship with TGIB could deepen to the level it has is that MC likes him and they are friends separate from their relationships with me. It's easy to spend time all together and it's easy to talk to each of them about the other- they're both such huge parts of my life that I can't imagine trying to keep things super-compartmentalized. For myself, while being friends with MC isn't a requirement for a potential partner, it's certainly mine and MC's preference. Getting to know your husband's girlfriend would almost certainly help with your (very normal) roller coaster of emotions.

 

[Arrowbound]

Quoted For Truth!

TGIB is my first poly relationship- everything before was open-ish/FWBs types of things. One reason my relationship with TGIB could deepen to the level it has is that MC likes him and they are friends separate from their relationships with me. It's easy to spend time all together and it's easy to talk to each of them about the other- they're both such huge parts of my life that I can't imagine trying to keep things super-compartmentalized. For myself, while being friends with MC isn't a requirement for a potential partner, it's certainly mine and MC's preference. Getting to know your husband's girlfriend would almost certainly help with your (very normal) roller coaster of emotions.

Agreed. I've noticed I tend to be calmer and even feel compersion when I have my own line of communication with whomever my SO shows interest in. Everyone and everything outside of that is more of a struggle.