How do I tell my husband I'm not happy with poly anymore? (FMF threesomes)

[punksquid12]

Hi there. I have no one to talk about this stuff with and feeling very alone. Just looking for advice.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. We're very happy together and you won't meet another couple who's as crazy about each other as we are. We've been poly since we've been together. It's only ever been with girls, and there's never been emotion attached, or any dating of the other girls.

I've asked for a threesome with a guy, and he says he's up for it, but it never goes farther then that, for some reason. I think he honestly doesn't want that to happen.

Not a big deal, because lately I've been pretty done with the hookups myself. I don't enjoy them. They actually are starting to make me depressed. I don't feel good about myself anymore. I feel ugly, not needed, the only person there not having fun.

I'm afraid my husband will be angry if I tell him I don't want to do this stuff anymore. Whenever we set up a date, and I tell him I'm not feeling it and want to cancel, it usually ends up in a fight, or him just pissed off that we wasted our time talking and getting to know someone only to have me cancel.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It severely depresses me to see him talking to other girls in hopes of a threesome. And now he wants to find a regular girl for us, which I told him numerous times I don't want.

I'm also afraid that if I finally tell him, and we stop, that he'll still keep talking to girls and eventually start straying from the relationship. He's very against cheating. I believe he thinks the threesomes are a way of avoiding the temptation to cheat, so if we take away the threesomes I'm afraid of what will happen. I love my husband and I want to keep him happy, but I would also like to be happy and get these knots in my stomach to go away.

There are times when I'm up for the threesomes, but it's rare now. Do any other girls feel this way? One week they're ok with being poly or swingers, whatever title you give it, and then the rest of the time it just makes you sick? It's really annoying. I feel so insecure and alone on this. I'm hoping someone can offer some good advice on what I should do.

 

[IndieSolo]

Polyamory is much, much more than just threesomes and hookups. The "amor" part of the word should tell you that. Many poly people never even have threesomes or casual sex; they prefer commitments and tenderness. For example, I practice polyamory, but I am straight and not interested in threesomes, unless it's with two guys I love and care about. I don't want strangers. Eww!

So wtf has he been telling you poly is? That you have to have threesomes with him and other chicks for him to stay faithful? No wonder you feel like shit.

Sounds like a rather yucky situation. You seem to want loving caring connections (polyamory), and he wants swinging or random anonymous sex. It's time to talk and talk, and talk some more, and possibly in therapy, to sort it out before trying to find another hook-up. If he has a fit, so what? He needs to grow up. It's your body; you have a choice. He isn't the boss of you!

 

[Anneintherain]

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Were very happy together... you won't meet another couple who's as crazy about each other as we are. We've been poly since we've been together. It's only ever been with girls. There's never been emotion attached, or any dating of the other girls.
Lately I've been pretty done with the hookups myself. I don't enjoy them. They actually are starting to make me depressed. I don't feel good about myself anymore. I feel ugly, not needed, the only person there not having fun. I'm afraid my husband will be angry if I tell him I don't want to do this stuff anymore. Whenever we set up a date, and I tell him I'm not feeling it, and want to cancel it, usually ends up in a fight, or him just pissed off that we wasted our time talking and getting to know someone, only to have me cancel. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It severely depresses me...

I'd say you guys aren't really happy. You sure aren't. Not a single thing you wrote sounds like you are enjoying any aspect of the non-monogamy you currently have going on.

FYI, not too many people would say that you are polyamorous, as polyamory tends to mean you are at least open to having emotions for or dating other people. You might find greater amounts of useful advice on the reddit site for non-monogamy, where more people are in a situation closer to yours. I suggest checking it out it you don't get what you are looking for here. http://www.reddit.com/r/NonMonogamy

You should be clear and upfront about how you feel, so you don't fight after the fact and have him feel like he "wasted his time." There seems to me to be a lot of problems in a relationship where you worry that being honest about your feelings is going to lead to an angry and pissed off partner. Hash this out soon.

 

[Marcus]

Whenever we set up a date, and I tell him I'm not feeling it, and want to cancel, it usually ends up in a fight, or him just pissed off that we wasted our time talking and getting to know someone, only to have me cancel. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

"I want to bang this chick, and I want you to join me," him, being honest.
"Uh... sure... sounds like fun," you, being dishonest

Try answering honestly. What's your honest answer? That will be the best one to give.

 

[Dagferi]

Polyamory is much, much more than just threesomes and hookups. The "amor" part of the word should tell you that. Many poly people never even have threesomes or casual sex. They prefer commitments and tenderness. For example, I practice polyamory, but I am straight, and not interested in threesomes unless it's with two guys I love and care about. I don't want strangers. Eww!

So, wtf has he been telling you poly is? That you have to have threesomes with him and other chicks for him to stay faithful? No wonder you feel like shit.

Sounds like a rather yucky situation. You seem to want loving caring connections (polyamory), and he wants swinging or random anonymous sex. Time to talk and talk, and talk some more, and possibly in therapy, to sort it out before trying to find another hook-up. If he has a fit, so what? He needs to grow up. It's your body, you have a choice. He isn't the boss of you!

I agree with NYCindie. To me, polyamory is about having loving romantic relationships with more than one person, not sex with random strangers or acquaintances.