Hi there OP,
I just spent the last 3 years helping my mom care for my very difficult father with dementia (and Parkinson's). I know exactly what you mean about how frankly disgusting his body became and how emotionally traumatizing it was to see him incoherent, naked, and unable to use the toilet on his own.
And that was all without the sexual assault issues you are also dealing with--I cannot speak to that at all, but I do understand about extended family not grasping how sick your dad had become and not realizing what the daily burden of care was like. My dad's siblings and cousins were calling my mom all the time, wanting to talk to my dad but never offering to help us, and not grasping why they could not speak to my dad (because he was in a raving delirium and didn't know where he was, etc).
My biggest advice for that kind of care is, frankly, look into placing him in a nursing home sooner rather than later. If you are in the US, make an appointment with an eldercare lawyer specializing in Medicaid eligibility ASAP.
Ironically, for a sort-of-poly angle, while my dad declined, my mom became close to a male friend her own age (70s) who was a recent widower. He helped with some caretaking of my dad, and he and my mom did begin a romantic relationship (which I do not consider cheating under the circumstances).
My mom's boyfriend is a super awesome guy and he really helped me see a more positive version of ageing than my dad's decline. He is gentle, kind, intelligent, full of interesting stories and life experience. And quite sexy for a 75-year-old dude!
Anyway, I sympathize deeply with your eldercare situation.
Regarding your distress over Clara's dude: I think he will not be a main feature of Clara's life for very long. It sounds like a very experimental, casual thing (and it sounds like the way you and Clara do non-monogamy allows for a lot of sexual freedom, I think?)
I bet John will not be hanging out with Clara and your friends 6 months from now. Sketchy drunk dudes tend to move on after a while.
I would just tell yourself, "This sucks but it is temporary."
I just spent the last 3 years helping my mom care for my very difficult father with dementia (and Parkinson's). I know exactly what you mean about how frankly disgusting his body became and how emotionally traumatizing it was to see him incoherent, naked, and unable to use the toilet on his own.
And that was all without the sexual assault issues you are also dealing with--I cannot speak to that at all, but I do understand about extended family not grasping how sick your dad had become and not realizing what the daily burden of care was like. My dad's siblings and cousins were calling my mom all the time, wanting to talk to my dad but never offering to help us, and not grasping why they could not speak to my dad (because he was in a raving delirium and didn't know where he was, etc).
My biggest advice for that kind of care is, frankly, look into placing him in a nursing home sooner rather than later. If you are in the US, make an appointment with an eldercare lawyer specializing in Medicaid eligibility ASAP.
Ironically, for a sort-of-poly angle, while my dad declined, my mom became close to a male friend her own age (70s) who was a recent widower. He helped with some caretaking of my dad, and he and my mom did begin a romantic relationship (which I do not consider cheating under the circumstances).
My mom's boyfriend is a super awesome guy and he really helped me see a more positive version of ageing than my dad's decline. He is gentle, kind, intelligent, full of interesting stories and life experience. And quite sexy for a 75-year-old dude!
Anyway, I sympathize deeply with your eldercare situation.
Regarding your distress over Clara's dude: I think he will not be a main feature of Clara's life for very long. It sounds like a very experimental, casual thing (and it sounds like the way you and Clara do non-monogamy allows for a lot of sexual freedom, I think?)
I bet John will not be hanging out with Clara and your friends 6 months from now. Sketchy drunk dudes tend to move on after a while.
I would just tell yourself, "This sucks but it is temporary."
