In need of a sounding board

P

playfulgirl

Member
I'm trying to come up with good ways to communicate with my sometimes lover but mostly metamour. For the past 2 years, I've been the secondary (for lack less hierarchical term, secondary fits best to denote that I don't live with my people and they are married with children) in a vee triad. I spend two nights a week with Sirreal and at least one night a weekend with he and lady and the family. Lady and I are close friends and occasional lovers and the three of us all sleep in the same bed when I am there.

Here is my issue: lady has needs that she has been exploring over the last 6 months to be a sub in a bdsm context. Sirreal nor I can meet these needs so we encouraged her to find a partner who could fulfill that role. After much trial and error, she has which at first made me very happy. I continue to be happy for her, but I've realized I need to talk to her about sine issues I have regarding the situation.

1. Her dom made sure to meet sirreal as set out boundaries. No effort had been made to meet me. I know my opinion didn't carry the same weight due to my role, but it bothers me. Lady says I'm a life partner for her as such I'd at least like to meet the dom she has chosen.

2. In the course of various scenes, she has had sex with multiple partners. In an afterthought, she let me know she used condoms. As a result of this I realized she wasn't using condoms with R. I had assumed she was. The vee is fluid bonded.

3. I worry greatly about her physical safety in Bdsm play.

So how does one talk to a metamour about these concerns. I would feel much more comfortable if I could meet R. Not meeting him has made me feel much more like a true secondary than anything. Now I'm even hesitant to bring up my need that she use condoms to prevent STIs.
I'll work it out but I needed to put these thoughts out there abs would love input.
 
I understand your concern, but if she's your metamour, it's really none of your business who she sleeps with or uses protection with.

I get that if you have sex with her, you may not want to have unprotected sex with her, but you can't really say much as to how she handles relationships. That's between her, her husband, and her dom (and if you aren't her partner, but her husband's, it would be very weird for her to introduce you to a strictly sexual partner).

For example, yes, my metamour (had) the right to know if I was having unprotected sex with someone (as that did have an effect on her). But I certainly would never introduce her to anyone else I was dating (she was the other arm of our vee). It just didn't have anything to do with her.
 
Thanks for the feedback.
 
It's ok to have feelings and to express them though. If one of my friends got a new partner I might express that I was looking forwards to meeting them, I don't have an entitlement but I'm allowed to have a desire!

What worries you about BDSM play? I can't see why it wouldn't be ok to share that you're concerned. I don't think there's a high likelihood of severe injury. I'm a home educating Mum so my time for play is limited but I've never had worse than bruises and scratches (and I was very proud of those!)
 
You definitely should have been told (as should her husband) that she was having unprotected sex with someone outside your fluid bonded triad. If Sirreal knew and chose to continue having unprotected sex with both her and you without telling you I'd also have serious words with him. If he didn't/doesn't know then it is her that you need to talk to, and then you all need to talk together.

My metamour did the same thing but by luck told her husband before he and I had sex again. We all (4 of us) went for the full rack of testing and didn't have unprotected sex again until they all came back clean. We are now a fluid bonded "N", and only one of us is open to sex with others. He knows there is an expectation that he will use protection or inform my metamour so she can make a decision to use protection with him or with her husband so that I am not put at risk.

All of which is to say that I'd be more concerned that she/they didn't communicate about the STI risk for you so that you could make your own decisions about your safety than anything else.

To the BDSM, I think (if you feel comfortable) you could have a non-judgemental conversation about it. But if she seems happy with her Dom, well, not my thing, but it clearly is hers, so she has the right to continue to explore that.
 
I think that A2Poly gave you some great advise on the topic of safe sex practices. I think that it's perfectly reasonable to be expected to have been told that she was having unprotected sex with her partner. It's just respectful of someone else's right to play in a safe way, in my opinion.

For the bdsm play, just talk to her. Depending on the type of play bdsm can be extremely risky, having said that, all of the players that I know (self-included) go through great lengths to ensure safety. Talk to her, tell her that it's a concern, and ask about their safety precautions and her doms experience level. Be certain that you say, in no uncertain terms, that she's someone that you love/care for and that you're not trying to condemn their play--just looking for clarification into this new world. Also, be mindful that those may be details that she's not willing to share--I don't really know why she wouldn't (because on the sliding scale of all of the questions that I've been asked about bdsm, concerns of safety have been some of the easiest to handle, but everyone is different and comfort levels vary). But that is a valid position and should be respected, and then you'll just have to find a different way to handle your discomfort--maybe asking your partner how he handles his safety concerns, or even if he has them and then discussing why/why not.

I'm also going to offer a counterpoint to Candiedlove's response. In polyamory, it is absolutely your business to know about your metamour's partners (up to the degree that you've made agreements about) if you all choose. Once upon a time, I operated under the impression that what I did with my partner was none of my metamours business, with my thought being that it didn't effect her. And that is just blatantly untrue. Everything that you do in poly affects your metamour. It's really simple, actually. Everything. You have be be compassionate and understanding, you have to try to empathize or else the whole game gets fucked up. All of that to say that if you are realizing that you have a need to meet her partner, say that. She and her partner have a right to decline, but if it is important to you that you meet him--that's totally valid and it should be brought to the table. For instance, you can make agreements where everyone meeting is an expectation of new partners. During the course of that conversation, I'd make sure to mention and explain why it is important for you (i.e. that it makes you feel secondary or disrespected or unimportant in the relationship or whatever). It could be something your partners would be into, or it could not. The point is that you shouldn't feel as though your being an inconvenience or are stepping out of line to ask about it.
 
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@Janye, of course you should be able to talk about things IF YOU AGREED TO THEM. But it's not really very healthy for the OP to feel hurt or excluded by NOT being informed of what a metamour does, if they don't have that relationship.

It also shouldn't be something expected in poly. Is it nicer? For me, yes. But I had a metamour who wanted nothing to do with me. And while I didn't like it, it really wasn't my place to force her to interact with me or tell me things she didn't want to.
 
I wouldn't introduce a metamore to a fuck buddy. I don't see the point but her husband should have let you know that she was having unprotected aex a o you could choose to use condoms, that's pretty messed up. If nate has a barrier free partner they agree to only be barrier free with him and if they want to be barrier free with someone else then he will go back to condoms with them. I would at this point start using condoms with your boyfriend if he chooses to continue being barrier free with his wife. You have no idea if the dom is ccv Keane, who else he's having unprotected sex with, and who they're having unprotected sex with.
 
clarifications

While lady and I are not full time lovers, we are close. We cuddle and sleep together weekly and have sex occasionally. The three of us spend family time together weekly and include each other in extended family gatherings. That said she is not my girlfriend; but we are not distant.

After reading responses and thinking, I'm planning on talking with her about my concerns regarding safer sex practices. This conversation falls under our previous agreements re: sex outside the vee.
I think much of my wanting to meet her dom is due to my fears that while subbing she would neglect her own safety. This relates to baggage relating to my distaste for pain and my own needs for control. I need to own my own shit and that and trust lady as an intelligent intuitive person has chosen her dom wisely.

I also would still like to meet this person who makes lady feel so happy in her own skin, but that is not the primary concern.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and question with me. The input was very helpful
 
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