scarletzinnia
New member
So I thought I was starting a new relationship. I've known A at least virtually for about four months and we seem to have a great connection. He's smart, funny, sensitive, introspective, sweet, and seems totally into me too. We are both in long-term marriages with children, we both identify as poly, and we both want something long-term and romantic but definitely part time. He lives a little farther away than I'd like (over an hour), but considering that I already have a boyfriend who is three hours away, I'm used to dealing with distance in relationships. A and I were both on the same page in terms of how frequently we thought we could see each other (once or twice a month).
Here's what our obstacles are:
A's marriage is rocky. I know that he had a drinking problem for at least a couple of years, and I know that his wife is obsessed with a certain interactive online game, and her entire life is pretty much given up to playing this game.
A quit drinking about a year ago, and his wife has reported gone from playing the game 70 hours or more a week, to playing it about half that much. So that is progress. She doesn't have a job and hasn't in years, even though the kids are just about grown up and it sounds like they really need the money.
Potential sexual safety issues are making me nervous too. A and his wife opened their marriage about a year ago. She met a long-distance partner via the game she plays. While their relationship is mostly virtual, she has seen him, and supposedly been sexual with him, a couple of times. He is married and until recently he was cheating on his spouse. Now the spouse is clued in and very angry about the cheating, and they may split up. I consider that the fact that the wife's boyfriend was cheating an inherently higher risk factor, sexually, because I don't trust people who are cheating with my sexual safety. A has told me that his wife didn't use condoms with her boyfriend the times she has seen him.
A has also been attending swinger parties, where he has had (protected) sexual intercourse with both men and women. He has admitted that he has had unprotected oral sex though with both genders. He gets tested four times a year and so far he's been fine. He has hinted that he may stop swinging once he finds fulfilling poly relationships, but I am not counting on that.
So A and I met virtually in March and have since met in person only twice, once at a social event and once for a date. He and I had a wonderful time, a lot of kissing happened, and we planned a second one.
I requested a conversation with the wife, whom I do not know, after our first date. I told her that I wanted to make sure she was comfortable, and that I welcomed answering any questions she had about me, or hearing about her concerns. This happened on Facebook since she did not want to meet face to face. She was polite to me, and talked about how her marriage with A had improved a lot recently. She also said that she did not identify as poly despite having a husband and a boyfriend, that she considered the boyfriend a workaround to help her through her difficult marriage, and if she and boyfriend broke up, she would not seek another partner. She did not ask me any questions about myself or what I wanted in a relationship with her husband. We have not talked again.
Several days ago A told me, very excitedly, that he and his wife had come out to their teenage children about their open marriage, their partners or would-be partners, and A's bisexuality. A told me that the kids were wonderful, supportive, and accepting. He felt great about the interaction.
The next day, A got in touch with me to cancel our second date, because his wife was crying hysterically and telling him that she felt like a freak and their marriage was a sham, and he didn't feel right going out and having fun with me the following evening. It was the third time he had canceled plans that we had to see each other, even though we've only had one date so far. He assured me that he wanted to reschedule, just could not at present.
Do I pull back for now, until A and his wife work through her feelings about coming out to the kids, or do I just call it all off? I am starting to feel that my time is not being respected, and I find it very hard to come back from that in a relationship once the problem has started. But he's SO sweet, and charming, and interesting, and romantic. Crap. I'm torn.
Here's what our obstacles are:
A's marriage is rocky. I know that he had a drinking problem for at least a couple of years, and I know that his wife is obsessed with a certain interactive online game, and her entire life is pretty much given up to playing this game.
A quit drinking about a year ago, and his wife has reported gone from playing the game 70 hours or more a week, to playing it about half that much. So that is progress. She doesn't have a job and hasn't in years, even though the kids are just about grown up and it sounds like they really need the money.
Potential sexual safety issues are making me nervous too. A and his wife opened their marriage about a year ago. She met a long-distance partner via the game she plays. While their relationship is mostly virtual, she has seen him, and supposedly been sexual with him, a couple of times. He is married and until recently he was cheating on his spouse. Now the spouse is clued in and very angry about the cheating, and they may split up. I consider that the fact that the wife's boyfriend was cheating an inherently higher risk factor, sexually, because I don't trust people who are cheating with my sexual safety. A has told me that his wife didn't use condoms with her boyfriend the times she has seen him.
A has also been attending swinger parties, where he has had (protected) sexual intercourse with both men and women. He has admitted that he has had unprotected oral sex though with both genders. He gets tested four times a year and so far he's been fine. He has hinted that he may stop swinging once he finds fulfilling poly relationships, but I am not counting on that.
So A and I met virtually in March and have since met in person only twice, once at a social event and once for a date. He and I had a wonderful time, a lot of kissing happened, and we planned a second one.
I requested a conversation with the wife, whom I do not know, after our first date. I told her that I wanted to make sure she was comfortable, and that I welcomed answering any questions she had about me, or hearing about her concerns. This happened on Facebook since she did not want to meet face to face. She was polite to me, and talked about how her marriage with A had improved a lot recently. She also said that she did not identify as poly despite having a husband and a boyfriend, that she considered the boyfriend a workaround to help her through her difficult marriage, and if she and boyfriend broke up, she would not seek another partner. She did not ask me any questions about myself or what I wanted in a relationship with her husband. We have not talked again.
Several days ago A told me, very excitedly, that he and his wife had come out to their teenage children about their open marriage, their partners or would-be partners, and A's bisexuality. A told me that the kids were wonderful, supportive, and accepting. He felt great about the interaction.
The next day, A got in touch with me to cancel our second date, because his wife was crying hysterically and telling him that she felt like a freak and their marriage was a sham, and he didn't feel right going out and having fun with me the following evening. It was the third time he had canceled plans that we had to see each other, even though we've only had one date so far. He assured me that he wanted to reschedule, just could not at present.
Do I pull back for now, until A and his wife work through her feelings about coming out to the kids, or do I just call it all off? I am starting to feel that my time is not being respected, and I find it very hard to come back from that in a relationship once the problem has started. But he's SO sweet, and charming, and interesting, and romantic. Crap. I'm torn.
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