Issue with staying the night

Currently, the issue I'm grousing about a little - but being kind about - is that my beau does not want to be staying the night. For him it is too serious; we wanted to slow down, so in slowing down, we cut out overnights.

Part of me is suspicious that this is not necessarily his idea; that it's his primary's idea. From what I've gathered lately, a lot of steps taken back seem to be rooted in what she thinks and how she reacts to things, which he in turn reacts to.

I'm of the opinion that restricting this sort of thing entirely hurts a lot. Especially if it's taken away or notched down. I think moderating a schedule is a good idea.

So from my personal experience, it hurts to have things taken away. Moderated? I can accept that. But taken away... that's tough.
 
Findling healthy solution

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply!

I will tell my husband that from now on I will advocate for myself and not for her too.
You all made it very clear that I was making this more complicated than it had to be. As the hinge my husband can do his own planning and communicating. I have to stop my meddling! I just wanted everyone to be happy... Obviously my plan had some flaws ;)

I will ask my husband how he feels about having a schedule. Maybe we could start with staying the night every second Friday.
That might help me relax, because I can prepare to do something fun that night.

It is correct that asking for Wednesday night was her advocating for herself. I totally didn't see that :eek:
Why didn't I see that?

I don't want to take overnighters off the table. I think he enjoys them and sleeping together is so special. I want that for her too :)
 
Hey nycindie,

Data and I have a joint Google calendar. We've had it for ages and I love it!
But Bamby is still so new and nothing is really organized with her yet.
It's too early for me to have a joint calendar.

But if it turns out that she's here to stay I will totally bring this up with her and Data.
Thanks for the excellent idea :)
 
I feel for you. My wife had a similar problem as you. My g/f wanted me to spend weekends with her and I am ashamed to say, that I made my wife feel like she was wrong to have the emotions and feelings she had. She was not politically correct in her thinking in the Poly world. Turns out that her instincts were correct as I separated from my wife to live with my g/f. However, I started to feel that my g/f did not really want me but rather just wanted to win me in some sort of female competition.

I went back to my wife and we settled in with a woman that we both loved and stayed with her for most of our marriage. I am not cut out to date women without my wife. I am one of those people who grow attached to the woman I have regular sex with. I cannot seem to just have sex or be with someone without loving them. My wife also had a bad experience with her first boyfriend. Turned out that he was seeing my wife more than his wife knew and that broke up their marriage.

I have no idea of how many people make this work for them and for how long. Seems like most posts here are about problems but then again, those with happy relationships have no reason to post. The only advice I can offer is to not deny your feelings. If it does not feel right and makes you uncomfortable, let your husband know. If he loves you enough he will make sure you are comfortable with his other relationship. I wanted my g/f more than my wife at the time so I denied my wife's comfort level and regret it to this day. Hope it works our for you and with love, it can work for you. Hey, my wife allowed me to have sex with her g/f for almost 30 years either alone or with her with no problems. It can work but only if all parties are on the same page and no one feels insecure or uncomfortable. Finding the right mix of people is always the problem. Good luck.
 
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