Issues with my girlfriend

[RubyBuffalo]

Hello everyone, how are you doing?
So, I'm new here, I'm a straight mono male, and I've been having some issues with my girlfriend, regarding polyamory and open relationship. As a disclaimer, I do not intend to be rude or disrespectful, and if I do, please forgive my ignorance.

So, proceeding to the topic, I've been cheated on. I went to a party with my girlfriend, who I love very, very much, and I eventually lost her of sight, to find her kissing a guy.
The thing is, she had asked me a few times about having an open relationship and about polyamory (I know it's not the same) and I told her it was not something I have interest in or feel comfortable with. I said we could try to move slowly and she agreed. She kissed some girls, always talking to me before, and we were testing our ground, until the guy I just mentioned.

What happens is love her a lot, we had a good relationship and I want to forgive her and keep on going. She says she no longer wants to have an open relationship, and I don't believe it's true. I would be willing to let her date other people, as long as she told me and we stayed on solid ground.

I am aware this situation is more oriented towards an open relationship than a polyamorous one, but I'd still like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks in advance.

 

[london]

If you want to negotiate an ethically non monogamous relationship with her, I'd advise you to consider some points first.

* Where are your boundaries in terms of emotional attachment?

* How do you plan to ensure your encounters and interactions with others remain within those boundaries?

* What happens if one of you have feelings for someone that fall outside those boundaries?

* Will you have veto powers?

 

[PolyinPractice]

I'm just going to offer my usual advice to newbies:

You can control behavior (kind of) but you can't control emotions. The "no falling in love" rule, regardless of how it's worded, usually sets one's partner(s) up to fail. It doesn't matter what boundaries you set up to keep outside relationships sexual and light. Sex leads to emotions (even from a purely biological standpoint, sex release chemicals that cause you to bond to your sexual partner and even causes a sense of false trust, leading people to desire relationships).

 

[Marcus]

I said we could try to move slowly and she agreed. She kissed some girls, always talking to me before, and we were testing our ground, until the guy I just mentioned.

Did each of you clearly express your expectations to one another and agree to them?

You: "I am ok with you kissing a girl but only if it is cleared with me beforehand"
Her: "Ok, I am 100% on board with that"

You: "I am ok with you kissing guys but only if it is cleared with me beforehand"
Her: "Ok, I am 100% on board with that"​

or more likely -

You: "While I'm ok with girls who have been pre-approved by me, I am against any romantic contact with males of any kind"
Her: "Absolutely, I understand and agree 100%"​

If not, you guys should discuss this immediately and explicitly. "Move slowly" could mean something totally different to her than it does to you. She might have thought that kissing a guy was moving slowly - as opposed to sucking his dick at the party.

She says she no longer wants to have an open relationship, and I don't believe it's true.

Because she has already broken your trust and you don't find her to be a trustworthy person? Or because you think you know her feelings better than she does?

Broken trust can be tough to work through. Couples try it and fail all of the time. I suggest doing a google search for "regaining trust" or "partner cheated" etc to find some coping mechanisms.

I suggest you work on building trust again as a priority.

 

[RubyBuffalo]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, I really appreciate it.
So, as a follow up, weve decided to give ourselves a chance.

The "no falling in love" rule, regardless of how it's worded, usually sets one's partner(s) up to fail.

I'm aware of that. What we had agreed was avoiding New Relationships on times of turmoil, so NRE wouldn't eventually split us. Though I do not have a lot (if any) experience to know how this works

Because she has already broken your trust and you don't find her to be a trustworthy person? Or because you think you know her feelings better than she does?

Yes, it's a trust issue. She lied insistently to me, even though I saw it.I believe she is telling me the truth now, but I'm not sure that in a few months she won't start hiding her feelings and, eventually, start lying.
We had defined clear rules, she was aware that what she was doing was off game and that it could hurt me. She says she doesn't know why she did it, she just kinda felt like it and, for a moment, she didn't care about me.

So, I ask you folks: should I give ourselves a chance? If we do, it'll be hard to regain trust, mostly considering the situation. I'd be willing to let her have other relationships, though not in a near future, but only if I am fairly certain this could work.

So, can this work? Is it possible that I trust her again?