Keeping relationships separate
- Thread starter InLove
- Start date
LovingRadiance
Active member
I don't.
I have a husband and a boyfriend.
In either case-whatever emotions I am having-regardless of what situations are related to those emotions,
I am honest and upfront about my emotions.
That doesn't mean I necessarily go on and on about the details of WHY I feel how I feel. But I don't pretend to feel something I don't feel.
So for example; this week I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend. It's been tense between us for 16 years. But I love her and I want to make peace. This letter was the first time she specifically said she wanted that too. I am giddy. There was some shitty topics in the letter. But overall-I'm giddy.
I don't try to "not be giddy" with one of the guys because that giddiness doesn't pertain to them. Instead I admit that I am giddy over the letter and we move on. (One of them is happy for me, the other is worried about the potential outcome).
When I am having a problem with one (there was a period of a few years when divorce looked imminent) I was open about that too. I was honest about being scared, hurt, angry etc.
It's a matter of authenticity. I prefer authenticity in my relationships and that means expecting them and myself to be accepting of the reality that our relationships don't exist in a vacuum. Other people (romantic and not) affect our lives and moods and availability etc.
I have a husband and a boyfriend.
In either case-whatever emotions I am having-regardless of what situations are related to those emotions,
I am honest and upfront about my emotions.
That doesn't mean I necessarily go on and on about the details of WHY I feel how I feel. But I don't pretend to feel something I don't feel.
So for example; this week I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend. It's been tense between us for 16 years. But I love her and I want to make peace. This letter was the first time she specifically said she wanted that too. I am giddy. There was some shitty topics in the letter. But overall-I'm giddy.
I don't try to "not be giddy" with one of the guys because that giddiness doesn't pertain to them. Instead I admit that I am giddy over the letter and we move on. (One of them is happy for me, the other is worried about the potential outcome).
When I am having a problem with one (there was a period of a few years when divorce looked imminent) I was open about that too. I was honest about being scared, hurt, angry etc.
It's a matter of authenticity. I prefer authenticity in my relationships and that means expecting them and myself to be accepting of the reality that our relationships don't exist in a vacuum. Other people (romantic and not) affect our lives and moods and availability etc.
I guess I am just worried about bringing him down while right now I feel like shit. He is a comforting person, but there isn't much to say to me right now to make me feel better. I don't feel like a good person to be around while I'm still so hurt and angry. I don't want to be the party pooper ya know? I feel like I need space to deal with what is going on in my life.
My first relationship outside of my marriage was a tumultuous one, and my husband used to get angry/upset when I was a mess over it. He felt like he didn't cause the problem, why did he have to pick up the pieces? Nonetheless, of course, he did, and held my while I wept, and was as patient as could be while I healed--but in the aftermath he asked me to try to keep my relationships separate from our marriage. Of course, my moods/emotions are my own and I can't not feel what I'm feeling, but I respect his need for me to be present and focused during our time together. It isn't fair to him if I'm preoccupied or in a funk because of a lover during our "quality time."
I'd say be in the moment with boyfriend as much as you can--and be honest when you can't. The end of a marriage is nothing to sneeze at, it's painful and exhausting, anyone gets that. If you really can't deal with bf right now, assure him you love him, it isn't him it's you, and you will get back into his arms just as soon as you can pull yourself together enough to do so. I'm sure he'll understand.
I'd say be in the moment with boyfriend as much as you can--and be honest when you can't. The end of a marriage is nothing to sneeze at, it's painful and exhausting, anyone gets that. If you really can't deal with bf right now, assure him you love him, it isn't him it's you, and you will get back into his arms just as soon as you can pull yourself together enough to do so. I'm sure he'll understand.
NovemberRain
New member
Not long after I was poly with two boyfriends; I said to FBF, 'this is hard, because I don't want to bitch about CBF.' He asked why not, and I can't remember what I said. But he said you can talk to me about him (they were both friends, and I'd been bitching to FBF for years about CBF, it wasn't new behaviour).
I did try to keep it to a minimum, but it was nice to know I could talk to him if I needed.
If you need time and space to heal alone, you're entitled. That doesn't have anything to do with keeping relationships separate. That's about loving yourself and doing for yourself what you need.
I did try to keep it to a minimum, but it was nice to know I could talk to him if I needed.
If you need time and space to heal alone, you're entitled. That doesn't have anything to do with keeping relationships separate. That's about loving yourself and doing for yourself what you need.