Life and Times of the PurplePeach

[purplepeach72]

Since my life is now more focused on making a poly relationship work I figured I need to bring more of my writing here for feedback. I'm starting from my current reality and working backward.

I'm a 42 yr old bi-sexual poly married woman. This is a 3rd marriage for both myself and my husband. We have been married for 3 years together for 5 years. I have been in open relationship for the last approximately 15 years but primarily with men. I've only been in love with one woman. I have never been in love with multiple partners at the same time although I generally have feelings and emotional connections with anyone I am sexual with. I'm in an uneasy newly formed V with my husband (N) being the hinge. This V started out as a deceitfully hidden affair. We are attempting to make this work in hopes of eventually becoming more of a triangle.

My husband and I live in northern Italy but he is frequently gone for work. We've been here 2 years and have at least one more year of living here. The community we live in is very small and not conducive to any form of an alternative lifestyle. I have a 12 yr old daughter from my first marriage and we have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have a child together for the 3 years we've been married. We have a Great Dane, a Cane Corso (Italian Mastiff) and an African Grey parrot here with us. We also have 2 horses back in the states. I am very involved in the local community. I have a M. Ed. in Middle Grades Science and Social Studies, frequently sub for the local middle school, a BA in Business Admin, just started a new non-profit organization here last fall to help people moving to and from Italy with pets, volunteer with the local theatre acting and singing as well as lots of other volunteer activities. I stay busy but am an introvert at heart and need my alone time to recharge my batteries.

Here is our recently revised relationship plan/contract (in 3 posts).

OUR RELATIONSHIP PLAN Updated 28 February 2015

Mission Statement of Individual and Collective Intent:

We believe it is possible for a love affair to last forever. This is our love affair. I love you. I choose you. There is no going back for me – I am all in. We have both agreed that divorce is not an option for us. We will work through anything we need to save our marriage. We can do it. We have the most perfect, best love in the world. I have loved and been in love and been loved many times before, and it was NEVER anything remotely close to the depth of love and respect and emotion I feel toward and from you. Nothing I have EVER experienced matches what we have. This is special and unique. We are not "required, bound or fated" to fuck up or hurt each other; not if we keep our priorities straight; not if we daily reaffirm to ourselves it IS possible for a love affair to last forever, and we are going to prove it; not if we wake up each morning and look upon the others beautiful form and remember our relationship is the most important thing in our world and keeping it real and alive is our number one priority. That the partner we are looking at each morning, in person or via the picture by our bed, is the most important thing to us outside of our selves. If we can do that, we are NOT destined to hurt each other. I think we can do it. I think we are going to prove we can. We are going to have an epic love affair that the poets will write about, and maybe even end up in the constellations, like the heroes of old who served the gods well.

We have a plan. This document is that plan. This plan is not static, but a living document that we will review each anniversary as a part of our love for each other. This plan may be revisited and altered as often as we feel necessary but annually is a minimum.

We are going to keep each other honest, and I am going to choose the hard right for us over the easy wrong for me. We are going to commit to living not just by the letter but the INTENT of our agreements and rules. This love affair is ours, and we will live, love, and experience it together, at each other’s side, as partners, friends, and lovers – never judgmental or critical of each other, always honest, always open, and always safe in each other’s love.

Statement of Openness:

We affirm neither of us can give EVERYTHING to meet each other’s needs or desires, but together we can enable, encourage, and trust each other enough to let each other seek out our needs and desires. When I am weak, I will trust you to carry me and love me; and when I am confused, I will look to this statement, and remember what we have is the strongest love affair in the world. We recognize that anxiety, jealousy, and fear are normal, and we will share those feelings without fear of judgment or guilt with each other when they arise. I will not jeopardize our love affair over feelings of infatuation, lust, or longing for another.

Our relationship ALWAYS has primacy over any other. No love affair is worth more to me than this one. We both accept, acknowledge and embrace the fact that we are both polyamorous and fully capable of loving multiple people simultaneously without damage to each other. We are both going to be honest enough that if we find ourselves falling in love or infatuated with someone else we will end it if it threatens the safety of this relationship before you have to get involved. Trust, honesty, and openness are the foundations of our relationship. If ever I am lost I will evaluate my actions by those values to determine the correct path for us.

This is OUR love affair. It is one together we will make last forever.

Values:

Our relationship is built on values that we hold sacred to making this love affair work:

Honesty – I will always convey my real thoughts and truthful feelings even if I don’t understand them or they are conflicted; I will uphold our agreements and rules to the best of my ability. I will trust you to accept my honesty even when it means that I am divulging something hurtful or painful. We will extend this honesty to any extra martial partners (EMPs) that we add to our relationship as honesty is essential to any healthy relationship.

Respect – I will place my trust in you and us, our values, and love first and never cast judgment on your feelings, desires, or wants.

Trust – I agree to rely on our honesty and respect to work through any problems or issues we have. I place complete trust in us to make this work no matter what.

Loyalty– I will place the safety of our relationship above all else, or others and always support and back your decisions in public, even in the face of adversity.

Parity –Our relationship is one of equals in our love, admiration, and trust of one another; we are partners in everything, and neither of us will attempt to dominate or force the hand of the other. I recognize that parity does not mean equal: things will never be equal in all facets of our lives – someone will always earn more, get to play without the other more, at times one or the other will sacrifice more. This is a reality I will never hold against you should I be on the lesser side and should I be on the greater side, I will do everything in my power to help us restore the spirit of parity to our relationship.

Openness – We are open books to each other. Nothing will remain hidden or un-discussed based on fear, guilt, or risk of emotional injury; we do not keep secrets from one another nor conduct lies of omission.

 

[purplepeach72]

Relationship Plan/Contract Continued

Rules of Engaging Others:

We have agreed that we both need the excitement and stimulation of adding other people to our lives. We accept that we are both poly and capable of loving more than one person at a time without damaging our relationship. Extra martial partners (EMP) may be added at any time on a case by case individual basis. These are the boundaries and parameters that we have agreed to allow others into this sacred part of our lives:

• Safe sex with condoms is a must at all times. Unless all parties agree to exceptions.
• No exceptions to the safe sex rule will be considered until all parties share a printed copy of thorough STD testing and the primary partners have undergone and been cleared after surgical sterilization procedures.
• Each of us has veto power at any and all times but we agree not to abuse this veto by using it without reason or justification. We understand that using our veto power can have serious negative consequences to our love affair and that it is a last resort. The primary partner not invoking the veto power should take heed and closely examine the reasons the other primary partner feels the need to use the veto. EMP problems should be handled by the partner involved with the EMP before they get to the point of requiring involvement from the non-involved primary partner (PP). The non-involved primary partner should not have to fear resentment if a veto is required because there should be plenty of warning signs and opportunities for the person involved with the extra-marital partner (EMP) to intervene, reset and remind the EMP that the primary partners’ relationship safety comes first. Anyone who isn’t able to accept and respect that can’t be allowed to stay involved.
• Our open book policy with each other does not involve disclosing private disclosures from our EMPs. We acknowledge and understand that each EMP relationship has to have an expected level of privacy to flourish. We agree and commit ourselves to sharing information, feelings or anything within the EMP relationship that could possibly affect the PP. This is necessary to keep all parties informed enough to consent to the extra relationships.
• We are committed to putting our relationship above all others. No love affair is worth more to me than this one. We are both going to be honest enough that if we find ourselves falling in love or infatuated with someone else we will end it if it threatens the safety of this relationship before you have to get involved.
• When the opportunity arises we will continue to participate in swinging activities. In group settings we will always be together in the same room with each other.
• Although we prefer to play together we both recognize that there will be times and circumstances when we need or want to play separately with others. In order to play separately with other people we have agreed that we will be completely honest about our relationship with the other people that we are bringing in. We will make every effort to notify the other PP that we are engaging in sexual contact with another beforehand and will make phone contact as soon possible afterwards. This is out of love and respect for the safety and sanctity of our relationship.
• We have agreed that we will not engage in swinging, swapping, group sex or swinger type activities with EMPs unless our PP is also involved. Should EMPs wish to explore the swinging lifestyle or any aspects related to that lifestyle they are welcome to join in with both PPs or find alternate partners but PPs will not engage in those activities with EMPs unless both PPs are present.
• Time spent with EMP’s will be agreed upon by all parties to avoid hurtful scheduling conflicts. Every effort will be made to accommodate the EMPs desire for quality time.
• EMP’s should be expected to pay their own transportation costs to the agreed meeting places. Shared costs like hotels, meals, entertainment should be shared between the PP involved and the EMP. Additionally, no gifts valued at more than a $100 will be given to EMP’s without the non-involved PP’s consent.
• We will not have sex with others in our bed without each of us being there. The only exception to that is another woman with LA.
• Should either of us find ourselves infatuated or in love with another to the point of interfering with the safety or sanctity of our relationship, we will end that attachment before our partner has to become involved. If we suspect another is falling in love or infatuation with us, we will end the relationship with them permanently if by word or action they show unwillingness to accept the safety and sanctity of our relationship.
• The intent of these two paragraphs is we will allow NO person to come between us regardless of what we feel about that person or they feel about us. The bounds and parameters of our relationship take priority. All reasonable efforts will be made to find consensus between the PPs and EMP.

Rules of Engaging Each Other:

Misunderstandings, problems and conflict are inevitable at some point in every relationship. In an effort to prevent issues and problems before they start we will have a weekly relationship check-up. Each week we will set aside a time to devote solely to each other and discussing our relationship particularly in regards to any changes, updates or new feelings even if we do not understand exactly what or why we are feeling that way. Regular communication about EMPs and extra relationships are a must and may occur more frequently than the weekly discussions. The involved PP will make sure they communicate any changes, developments or plans regarding the EMPs to the non-involved PP immediately and without delay. The key to a happy healthy relationship is in how conflict is resolved and handled. We agree we will make every effort to engage in healthy conflict resolution. We will maintain respect for the other person even in times of conflict. We recognize the words spoken and things done in anger cannot be changed or forgotten only forgiven. We do not want to allow anger and hurt to damage our relationship. We agree that conflicts will not be ignored, or wished away, but we will deal with them in a constructive and not hurtful, though honest, fashion. We agree that at times some resolutions will have to wait, and we respect the others request for time away from the conflict to think and assess. We agree to allow each other to set these “time out” boundaries without pushing and without resentment. As long as requested time out is given we will not cut each other off from communication with each other.

In an effort to reassure LA, N agrees that if there are any more incidents of hiding, omitting or lying about the involvement of other people in our relationship he will sign a legally binding post-nuptial agreement that sets out terms to insure LA is not stranded, can retain the animals, household goods, a reliable vehicle and children (should there be any from the marriage a joint custody arrangement of no less than 51/49 split with LA having majority of parenting time). The agreement will set conditions which would move LA back to the state of her choosing and allow enough support for her to retain a job that supports herself, the animals and children. This agreement is an attempt to remind us that we do not view divorce as an option while acknowledging that repetitious hurtful behavior cannot be tolerated by either of us.

Goals:

Every relationship has goals, landmarks, and dreams. We believe that an agreed path, even if not ultimately taken, is a healthy way to ensure our dreams, goals, and desires remain the same. These are our goals:

Short Term (immediate horizon):

• N will ensure LA has all the support she needs, monetary and emotional, while he is gone
• LA will assure N has all the emotional support he requires while he is away from her
• We will purge our lives of unhealthy relationships
• In an effort to prevent issues and problems before they start we will have a weekly relationship check-up. Each week we will set aside a time to devote solely to each other and discussing our relationship particularly in regards to any changes, updates or new feelings even if we do not understand exactly what or why we are feeling that way. Regular communication about EMP and extra relationships are a must and may occur more frequently than the weekly discuss

Cont'd

 

[purplepeach72]

Relationship Plan/Contract Cont'd Part 3

Short Term Goals Cont’d

• We will exhaust all reasonable avenues to determine the cause of multiple miscarriages and pursue fertility treatments to have a baby. We have agreed to seek IVF/IUI from a reputable international clinic that specializes in fertility issues and will make every effort to do this before N leaves for another year away for work. We have agreed that this is the final step in our baby making journey.
• We will make every effort to keep our baby making efforts from interfering with us having a fabulous sex life.
• Since no cause seems medically apparent and current medical advice is to continue trying we will do nothing to prevent conceiving until we are back in the US where more permanent options of birth control are available. Once back in the states we will both seek permanent surgical means of sterilization.
• Should the unlikely occur, LA will stay home with the baby for the first few years.
• LA will continue to teach part-time as much as possible as long as it does not interfere with childrearing or WC benefits while we are in Europe or she is a stay at home mom.
• We will continue to have lots and lots of hot, wet, and passionate sex when we can, while we can (Yes to this!!!!)
• We agree that N should be able to play while LA and he are separated, but he will ONLY do so in ways that will not endanger his career or the partnership’s livelihood. If the opportunity comes up, N will make every effort to inform LA ahead of time, and if that is not practical, will inform her at the earliest opportunity that he has done so.
• We are prepared and have planned a way to bring all the household animals with us back to the states. We have insured the horses are adequately taken care of in our absence, and upon return to the states, we will find a way to move them to our location.

Medium Term (not tomorrow, but in sight):

• We will seek innovative ways to stay connected while separated.
• We will shift our sexual focus from conception to rekindling our sex life in preparation for returning to the states and our preferred lifestyle
• We will try to see each other as much as possible on long weekends while separated.
• If we have not had a baby by the time we return to the states, LA and N will both seek permanent surgical birth control options to avoid any unplanned pregnancies
• We will begin saving money to pay for moving the animals back to the states.
• A concerted effort will be made to get out of consumer debt in order to prepare for potential downsizing or retirement.
• N will increase the amount of savings going into retirement planning
• We will begin discussing how and when we want to start reintegrating into the lifestyle before we actually move back to the states. Preferably once it is known what area we will be moving to.

Long Term (out there somewhere):

• We will begin planning for when, where, and how we want to live when N retires in 3-5 years
• We will continue to develop and support our desires for EMP relationships and our friendships with other couples.
• LA’s WC settlement will be put off as long as she is home with a baby or until we are ready for her to go back to work full-time.
• LA will become re-certified upon return to the states or develop an alternate acceptable career development action to be able to find significant employment to support our goals
• LA will make a concerted effort to find employment to support our retirement and lifestyle plans
• We will start investigating what it will take to build a life outside of this country. Our first preference is Belize, then perhaps Iceland and New Zealand.

Family Building Parameters:

• We will exhaust all reasonable avenues to determine the cause of multiple miscarriages and pursue fertility treatments to have a baby. We have agreed to seek IVF/IUI from a reputable international clinic that specializes in fertility issues and will make every effort to do this before N leaves for work away for another year. We have agreed that this is the final step in our baby making journey.
• We will make every effort to keep our baby making efforts from interfering with us having a fabulous sex life.
• Since no cause seems medically apparent and current medical advice is to continue trying we will do nothing to prevent conceiving until we are back in the US where more permanent options of birth control are available. Once back in the states we will both seek permanent surgical means of sterilization.
• Should LA be able to carry to full term. We will work together as a team to raise the healthiest, happiest child that we can.
• We agree to work on all parenting issues and attempt to deal with issues ahead of time before they become problems.
• LA will stay home with the baby for the first few years as we both agree this is best for the child and our family.
• If we do not have a child we will both seek permanent surgical birth control options upon returning to the states.

 

[purplepeach72]

Love on a Sex Site?

Love On A Sex Site? Yes It’s Possible.

Late November 2010 I was searching the matches on this wonderful sex site for new FWBs. Sgt. Sugar was about to ship out, I had finally gotten MM out of my bed for good and I wanted to have someone new to play with. I had been separated since March of 2010 and enjoying my time as a single mom. Yes, I actually enjoy being alone, just taking care of my kiddo and animals. I was riding my horses on a regular basis and actually getting to spend time with my family back here in Ga. Bi-women continued to be the mythical unicorns they are named but I did have a few couples I played with from time to time. The man search, even for a good fuck buddy was woefully lacking. There were liars, cheats, stand-ups, a couple of genuine misunderstandings and more lying cheaters. I was not looking for forever, just some good cock and conversation with a decent person. As I scrolled through the matches a lean body with a patch or 2 of red hair caught my eye. The huge cock was a bit scary but I theorized that it was just the camera angle or photo shop that made it look that big. Tall lean men aren’t generally my type but red heads are rare and his profile was funny and smart so I decided to send him an e-mail. I really wish I still had our initial couple of email exchanges. I would love to have them and reread them now. My 1st email to him was a few short sentences and my profile attached. His reply was 2 pages and several pictures. We emailed, chatted and IM’d for a couple of weeks before our schedules gelled enough for us to actually meet a few days before Christmas. We were both instantly smitten.

We spent 3 days together working on a house he was trying to sell and getting to know each other quite well. We marveled at how two people from totally different backgrounds could be so alike and have so much in common. We were both fighting the inevitable attraction and love that was building. Neither of us believed there was any kind of future and we didn’t want to get hurt or hurt the other. We had some amazing times together but tried to keep each other at arm’s length as FWBs. We went on this way until Feb. A crisis on his part made me accept how deeply I felt for him and how special he was to me. For him it was a wake-up call, that I really was his friend no matter what. I love him for who he is and would not judge him. I wasn’t asking him for anything other than friendship, honesty and to enjoy the time we had together.

Things started to change rapidly after that. I was totally honest about my feelings for him but I also convinced myself that I was not the woman he needed or wanted long term. I was just going to enjoy the happiness and love I had with him. I knew that no matter how long or short my time with him was it was going to be the love of my lifetime.

It took him many months to change my mind and make me believe that we could have a future together. We’ve shared some amazing adventures, from scuba diving in the keys, beers in Belgium to driving the Connor Pass in Dingle Ireland. Along the way we just keep discovering how much we have in common. Our trip to Ireland in July was when we decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. There was just no way to turn our backs on this incredible gift of love we’ve been given. We are perfect for each other and we complement each other in every way. We both know there isn’t a soul in this world who could love the other more than we do. He moved in when we got back and we kept working out the details of how we would make this work. We actually have a relationship plan written out that we will review at each anniversary. Everything in our relationship has been easy for us or at least it has seemed easy. We’ve spent more time together in the last year than some people spend in a lifetime.

Life has handed us some hard times: his mom passed away tragically in October, we just lost a baby and he’ll be leaving soon for a year away for work. We have a few more adventures before we are separated for a while. We’re getting married in April and I’m traveling to Europe with him again for a few weeks in May. Hopefully, we’ll be able to try for another baby. I’d like to give him his 1st child for Valentine’s Day next year when he comes home. I’ve never been happier or more content in my entire life. I never imagined that love could be so deep and wonderful. I have no doubt that our love story will continue for many years to come. No doubt I’ll be writing here, blogging about it.

For all those that believe this is just a sex site, I have to disagree. I have made some of my very best friends here and found the love of my life. Kindred souls will always find each other no matter where they are. Sometimes that love is for a good friend, someone who is going through something you’ve been through or someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with, we just don’t ever know what life will hand us. Take what it gives you and make the most of it.

Happy Valentine’s Day 2012!
Love,
L

 

[purplepeach72]

3 Years Later Here we are

Post Valentine’s Day 2015

It has been 3 years since I wrote the blog post above on the sex site where I met my husband. Our relationship started in an open way with each of us free to enjoy sex with others. Of course we had rules and guidelines but we worked through things as our relationship grew and changed. We got married in April 2012. He left for a year of work half a world away a week later. Two weeks after we married I was able to come to Italy with him for almost a month to pick out our house and have a honeymoon before work took him for a year. I went back to Ga while he worked for that year. It was a hard year for us both but we did a great job of keeping in touch and staying connected. For him staying emotionally connected was hard because his normal pattern when working was to totally disconnect from “home”. It always made his job easier to flip the robot switch, get the job done and then come home. I was really proud of him and us for working through that year and coming out stronger and more in love than we started.

While he was gone for work I had a few GF’s that I also had sex with and a couple of BF’s that were mostly sexual but I certainly cared about them. He asked for and I gladly gave him lots of proof to assure him that he was not being replaced or superceded. While he was away for work we had some issues to work through. He admitted to not being honest with me about some sexual encounters prior to leaving. He was afraid of my not truly being willing to walk the walk. We worked our issues and seemed to come out stronger for the work, effort and love we put into our marriage.

He came back the following April moved the Great Dane and parrot to Italy in May while I finished packing up our life in Ga. Living in Italy has been quite an adjustment for us both. We knew we’d have to put our alternative lifestyle on hold while living here because the American community is so small and close knit that he felt it would be too much of a risk for his career. I lost my support network of family and friends that were open minded enough for me to talk about my bisexuality, being poly, our swinging and lifestyle choices. I tried to tap into the local native GLBT community but it is so small and closeted that the language barrier made it impossible. I did eventually make a couple of friends who were open minded enough to at least have someone to talk to when I was upset or in need of a friend but the isolation has been and continues to be a challenge. Despite what people think most Italians do not speak English. There is a decided language barrier and huge cultural differences.

Within a few months of moving here I noticed an emotional disconnect between us that had never been there before. I would point it out and we would try to discover the cause, work towards fixing it and it would seem better for a while then come back. The causes ranged from his dissatisfaction at work, the pressures of trying to conceive, multiple miscarriages, the lack of outside stimulation because we were no longer in the lifestyle, his being gone more often than we expected, my lack of work here, having my daughter with us full time instead of the original half time in the states, less ability to be spontaneous and on and on. Our relationship seemed to have plateaued and there wasn’t much I could do about it without him wanting it to change too.

He thought he’d be doing a fairly regular desk job for the 2-3 years we’re here for. We expected to have lots of time to explore and enjoy each other and Europe together but that was far from the way it worked out. We’ve been here 2 years this May and he’s been gone for work for more than half of that. He’s never been gone for a year at a time like right after we were married but weeks and months sometimes with little notice that he’s leaving. We’ve tried very hard to travel as much as we can together and I often take trips with friends of just my daughter. Being able to travel Europe is something I will always cherish. It has been the experience of a lifetime. We have another year here but he will again be away for work. This time away for the entire year. We’re hoping since he’ll be fairly close that he will be able to come home some for vacations and holidays but it is also possible that this could be another year entirely apart and separated.

Last Valentine’s Day he planned a romantic trip to Portugal for us. We slept in a castle tower, hiked ancient fortresses and spent a full week just loving each other and enjoying the thrill of discovering a new place. We’ve lost 4 babies in the 2 years we’ve been here. With his being gone all the time for work the timing to get pregnant at all is hard but we’ve managed. Each time between 6-10 weeks we lose the baby. The pressure of sex required on certain days and becoming a chore instead of a joy certainly took its toll on our sex life. I’ve gone through more batteries in my sex toys in the last 2 years than I have in the rest of my life combined.

Last fall we agreed to set some goals to work towards making our marriage and sex life more exciting and fulfilling. I felt like we were making slow progress with our small steps. This Valentine’s Day I made us reservations at a lovely little Italian place tucked into the Dolomite mountains but it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He had been distracted and snippy for over a month. The conversation over dinner ended with his snide comment that I should just get it over with and read his emails. I told him I would but not when he wanted but on my own time. His invite to read his emails between him and a woman I thought was just a friend explained why his heart wasn’t in us. He was in love with someone else and had hid it from me for almost a year. My very first posts here were about this in detail so I won’t go through it all again. We’re trying to make it work for everyone but especially for us. He’s trying hard to repair the trust he crushed with his choices over the last several months. It will take a lot of time to see how this all plays out.

I’m struggling to shift my paradigm of our relationship from the foundation it was built on of complete openness, honesty, loyalty, trust and love just between us to including other people we love while rebuilding the cracks in our foundation. The accepted parameters of my bi-sexuality, being poly, both of us enjoying the swinging lifestyle to him embracing the idea that he is also poly, still straight and still wanting to be in the swinging lifestyle when we’re able. I’m struggling to understand, accept and move past the betrayal of him not being honest with me as he made the poly discovery. His blatant and repeated lies and deliberate omissions to hide what he was doing. I am having trouble reconciling that behavior with the man I’ve thought I was married to for 3 years. My struggle is not with him being poly it is with the betrayal and having to integrate someone new into our lives while we are fixing this crack in our relationship’s foundation.

I’m not trying to say I don’t have issues to work through with him being poly. I certainly do but they would have been much easier to handle if they were not given to me with a plate of deceit. It is doubly hard to decipher whether the jealousy and fear I’m feeling are due to the new idea and accepting him being poly or from the new person introduced in lies. I’m trying. I’m doing my best and I’m working on me. I’ve put some safety nets in place for myself as we move forward. I’m doing all I can to trust that our relationship is still solid. I have to trust that he’s doing all he can too. That’s all I can do. That and wait to see how his actions match up to his words. Also how his GF’s actions do or don’t match up to hers. Right now she is the great unknown and that scares me.

So that is where I’m at. Waiting and wondering how this new chapter will change my life. Determined to keep loving him and making it work.

 

[purplepeach72]

Rebuilding Trust - 6 Weeks In

Rebuilding Trust – 6 weeks in

My first post here was about “How do you rebuild trust?”. We are working on it. The big “Reveal” for me was Feb 18. The GF’s “Reveal” happened about 2 weeks earlier than mine. I won’t go through the whole scenario again but the short version is that my husband of 3 years (together 5 years) hid an emotional affair from me for the last year and a half. He was lying to the GF about being single until forced to confess or hurt her by saying he didn’t want her coming to visit him. Although our relationship was built on openness and non-monogamy it was not a poly marriage. We were swingers and I was bi-sexual and poly. My husband closed our marriage to much of any contact with non-monogamy when we moved to Italy almost 2 years ago. I know now that closing our marriage will never be done again without some serious discussions about why, for how long and if other options are available.

I refused to use the veto I have and instead told him to figure out how to fix this since he broke it. It seems as if it took me saying that I would walk away rather than keep hurting the way I was for the first 3 weeks of this and his GF being empathetic to my pain before he was willing to step back and look at his behavior. It has only been in the last week that I have felt like he was once again loving me and supporting my needs not just his own. I have no problem admitting that I am terrified of another relapse into Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Mode especially since their first “date” will be this coming week. They never had any time alone or even much in a social environment.

For a full month after the big reveal I was on an emotional roller coaster ride with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My husband is away for work but not so far that I can’t drive or fly to see him fairly easily and one weekend he was able to get a pass and we met in the middle. We would get together for a day or two if we were lucky. I would fall apart. We would talk through things. I would think we were back on the same page but within 3 days of being apart he’d be back to telling me if I didn’t like the way he wanted to run his relationship with the GF then I could leave. What he really needed was space to deal with himself and his guilt but he wasn’t able to see that until a few weeks ago.

The relationship plan went through a couple more chages and the GF accepted the plan as is with the understanding that it can be negotiated and changed as needed.

The GF and I have been emailing and talking on the phone for a few weeks now. It was really awkward at first. I think it is getting better and we are getting to know each other more. I don’t expect much too really start to change until after her visit next week. She flies out the same morning I fly in. It is still 4 days out and it makes me faint thinking about it. I really like her and want to get to know her. I also know that this situation has triggered serious issues for me of abandonment, captivity, being manipulated and controlled, honesty and loyalty. All things that will only be resolved by seeing over time that my husband is trying to balance all of our needs and we are all working together to be sure everyone’s needs are met.

I’m doing my very best to own my own shit. Logically my head accepts the reasons why and how this happened, has forgiven him and is moving on but emotionally this betrayal ripped open some really old, deep scar tissue that is going to be slow to heal. I suffer from PTSD, most of my therapists agree it is more along the lines of complex PTSD due to the compounding nature of 2 separate but extended lengths of time of emotional and sexual abuse by family and step-family members during my formative child and young adulthood years. I’ve spent many years with good therapists and most of the time my emotional baggage is neatly inventoried, packed and out of everyone’s way. This past month has wrecked a couple of my neatly packed bags and I’m in the process of repacking.

On top of all the growing pains of rebuilding trust with my husband while we figure out if we can add his GF as a third in more of a triangle than as the uncertain hinge we are currently in, him moving for a year of work away from us to last week being told we might have to move twice in the time he is gone for work unless the organization can find the loopholes needed to keep us in place. Oh and we’re also making a trip in June or July right before he moves to another European country to do IVF as our final effort in trying to have a biological child together other the last 4 years. My 12 yr. old daughter from my 1st marriage is driving me insane with her tween drama. I had to be the mean mom and not let her audition for the latest show because she had C’s and had agreed that C’s were not acceptable if she wanted to do any extra-curricular activities.

I’m leaning on my husband for the assurance that I can expect from him but trying hard not to use him as a crutch. I’m in therapy at least once a week. I’m continuing to read books on poly. I’m about half way through “More Than Two” and “Ethical Slut”, have already read “Opening Up” and Minx’s “8 Things I Wished I’d Known About Poly before I tried it and fracked it up.” I’ve joined a new exercise class and lost 14 lbs. in the last 6 weeks. More due to less eating than more exercise since I just started the new class week before last. I’m blogging again on the original site I met my husbands and many friends on. I’m still reading posts here even when I’m not commenting. I’m soaking it all up and hoping that I am strong enough to grow far and fast enough so that we can all find happiness.

At my husband’s urgings I also rewrote my profile on the site I’ve always been on to being open to meeting new people. I met someone new without my husband being there too for the first time in over 2 years. He isn’t poly and I don’t think it will be anything other than a FWB occasional thing but it was nice to be wanted and desired by someone else. It was also just good to talk about it to someone else totally outside of the world of alternative lifestyles. It also made me realize how far outside the “norm” of society we are. The behaviors that some people put up with regularly are so blatantly dysfunctional to me that I would never get involved with most people never mind married to them. That contact this week may me really grateful for the relationship I have with my husband. It is flawed and in need of some repair right now but over all I think we’ve held it together remarkably well. Neither of us has said things that were deliberately hurtful or that we later regret saying. We have managed to keep from attacking each other verbally for the most part and worked hard to communicate effectively. In the 6 weeks we’ve been at this we’ve gone from thinking we were on the verge of a divorce or split to being sure we can find a way to make this work for us all.

So right now I’m just trying to figure out how to not go crazy until she gets here, while she is here over the 4 days and until I get there and see that my husband is still sane and not the Jekyll & Hyde he’s been for a month. One of the books I’m reading referred to this as the “dark times” in every poly persons poly journey. Does everyone go through this morass of jealousy, fear, insecurity and doubt? If so what did you do to get through it?
I hope life is treating all of you wonderfully. Take care, thank you for listening and giving your feedback or advice.
Hugs,
LA