Marinia ~ Love Life

It is helpful. I want to step away, need to. It's just hard. That sounds horrible. Is there anyone's story posted where they walked away from such a relationship? I'd love to read it and connect.
 
I, upon father's insistence, am going to talk to military recruiters tomorrow. He thinks it'd be good to show me options, such as being able to go abroad, teach me more discipline, finish my education. I'm not so sure this is what I'd want. I have been planning on going backpacking, but all this craziness felt like it took over. It did. All of my attention is/was on it. I'll keep writing. I have so much to say. So much has happened.
 
Two of my closest friends reached out yesterday after posting. I don't feel so alone. The advice is also making me feel better, not sure how much I can follow through. I decided a while, quite a while ago, that I was for certain going backpacking. I think I'll talk to mom and dad still for more options, such as transferring from work here to there with mom. Or the military. I'm still pretty sure I'm going to go backpacking though. :D
 
... It was so very sweet and innocent. I hadn't felt good like that in awhile. On the way back to my house a couple hours later he tried to hold my hand. I said I couldn't I had L. And he had a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend thingy. He wished he had me....continued just to finish it...


We hit off very well and planned on hanging out more. A few days later I texted him asking if I could come over, and that I needed a place to sleep before work because my family was home and very loud. He said it'd be okay. I drove there, 20 miles north of where I currently lived. He let me in. I was so impressed with all of his things. We talked and looked at all his things. I asked him about alot of it. We shared so many interests. I asked if I could lay down. He said it'd be fine. I laid in his bed as he sat beside me and started a movie to help me sleep. Super (title). I asked him to hold me. He did. He got excited I could feel. He apologized. I told him not to. We kissed. We had sex. This was a mistake. I wasn't completely broken up with L. We were not talking and I didn't know exactly where we stood.

I liked T by this time a lot. This is no excuse. I'm not defending my actions. I was in the wrong.

We had sex multiple times. That one day. I went to work. He made me so happy.
:( I don't remember much. I think we kept hanging out that week. We kept having sex. L and I didn't talk. We had so much sex I got a uti. Sex with him was pure bliss. He's very gracious. L wasn't so much. Sex with L hadn't felt right in about a year and we stopped having sex several months previous to me and T meeting.

We did this a couple weeks. I finally broke up with L.

During this time, B messaged me on FB informing me of her existence and that she was with T.
She actually had messaged me when T first added me on FB. She said she was with him and I needed to leave him alone. Now he didn't say exactly what their relationship was like, but I didn't push to find out. I just told him the past didn't matter if the present was happy.

He said they weren't really together because she had left. He did leave out though that he was sending her presents and love. He still said he loved her everyday. I didn't know this. I didn't push. I thought, from what I had collected, that she was probably just jealous and upset he was getting over her. She had left him, was my whole basis for a lot of things. She left and was dating a female. Intimately.
So I took what she first said with a big grain of salt.

I wanted to be his friend without her having say. It was his life. I told her we were just friends. We were at this point.
 
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A few days later though is the time we first had sex...
getting sleepy :( will write more some time later today
 
I can relate to the feeling of just not knowing.
And being "sucked in"

Even though you know your making a choice.. you feel trapped and held there.
 
I'm okay :D Better actually... more has developed!!! I realize how jumbled everything is.
1. I work overnights and can only get the computer after I've worked an 8-9 shift so I'm tired.
2. So much has happened!
3. My mind races with a million things to say and I have slow hands :D
 
We had sex multiple times. That one day. I went to work. He made me so happy.
I don't remember much. I think we kept hanging out that week. We kept having sex. L and I didn't talk. We had so much sex I got a uti. Sex with him was pure bliss. He's very gracious. L wasn't so much. Sex with L hadn't felt right in about a year and we stopped having sex several months previous to me and T meeting.






So anyways during the couple weeks where I was cheating (hate admitting), L and I didn't talk other than arguing.
And I realized I had now really developed feelings for T.
(I remember leaving his house one night. I had this feeling bubbling up and I finally got the nerve to tell him. So I'm hugging him and say, "I think I'm falling for you." He pulls me away and looks me in the eye. I'm so very afraid he'll say something bad. Instead I ask, "Is that okay?" He smiles, looks me in the eye still, and says, "That's wonderful". And pulls me into him.)
So I decided to end things, plus it wasn't fair to him.
So I broke up with him. He was upset, but he was so sure it was like the other times where we'd get back together. After a week we hadn't gotten back together. I encouraged him to hang with his coworker Mike. He did. Mike is 29. L just turned 19. Mike is chauvinistic. He is single. His advice was for L to fuck anyone and everyone. And to double wrap.... Great advice. L and I decided to stay friends. We had been together 4 years and were inseparable (until work) and like twins. It'd be hard to cut our relationship cold turkey. Mike though...

Mike put ideas into L's head. Such as that I was just dragging him along until I could find someone else... So L, after having known me 4 years/knowing almost every nook and cranny of my mind, and Mike only 1 month asks me if that's what I'm doing....! I was so offended and pissed.

This same week L and I were talking. He finally decides to tell me that he had cheated.........
 
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I knew at the time he had. I asked him about it. He made me feel so guilty for even thinking it. So I trusted him. I believed him. It happened 1 1/2 years ago. From the way they interacted and how he kept staring at her. I knew it, but after arguing for several hours, he convinced me he hadn't.
The girl was from out of state. She was actually a close mutual friend's cousin.... :(
L made me feel so guilty though. When she was back this past summer I tried so hard to be friendly and we became friends.... She was the first one to comment on his status change from being in a relationship on fb... Didn't say anything to me....
 
So our relationship got very strained. We didn't talk a few weeks.
These next few weeks were the most amazing ones I'd had in such a long time. T and I hung out constantly. We clicked so well. We discussed personal things. I spilled a lot of myself into him. We developed to the point where I'd stay all night with him, and him with me.
I was smitten.
 
B was very verbally harsh during this time. Being very pissed at me for continuing my things with T. I told her I was sorry. She left him though. Alone and hurt. She LEFT.

They weren't technically together.... So she had no claims.

She called me a whore. I was very frustrated and pissed. So I asked how I could be the whore when she was doing the same morally. Being with another person. That's emotionally cheating. We argued.
 
My sister stepped in.... which is a flipping annoyance.

I bitched her out for it. Apologized to B. I guess that's when we started talking and becoming friends.

T and I started saying we loved the other.


Oh man. I had planned to write so much. But I'm so tired... I'll sleep then write more. :D
 
Well Merry Christmas :D

So I guess everything is pretty much summed up. I'm forgetting more each day. :( Which sucks. But I'm forgetting negatives. So I'm happy with it.

Today was amazing. I stayed with T through the night. We woke up. He got me coffee in bed and I gave him presents. Wuthering Heights, The Hush Sound's Goodbye Blues, and the Jurassic Park Trilogy... I already gave him his presents a few weeks ago when he had asked for his things back. I wanted to make sure he got some from me today though so I got a few more. He already gave me all mine. Oh, I got him a nice pillow w/ pillowcase. I gave that to him last night because he said, "I wish I had more pillows". So I was very giggly and ran out of bed and made him come open it. It was in my nephew's left over My First Kitchen box XP

I owed him a pillow because one night he stayed and left his things when he went to work. I was living with dad then. Me being me, I forgot it and left it out. So our dog, Buddy, ate it... Well ripped a corner in it.

So we got up and showered. He played Skyrim (AMAZING, so much so I had to buy it) while I got ready.

We went to dad's for our immediate family Christmas. K-Jo/or just Jo* (nephew, 2 yrs.) opened his presents from Papa (my dad) and Nana (my stepmom). My sister MJ and I opened our few presents (dad gave us cash mainly because we didn't give him a list of what we wanted). G. (my stepbrother) was there, which is surprising after him and my stepmom got into a bad fight :s Jo asked where T was when we weren't talking the couple weeks we weren't. Jo loves T. He was excited by his new play kitchen from papa and nana. I bought him play food and he tried eating it HA HA HA. So cute.
*I won't use their real names

Then T took me to my step-aunt's. We stayed just a few minutes. We found out it was going to take longer than I had originally thought to play games and eat food. We still had to see T's dad. We left.

I MET HIS DAD!!!! :D Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B kept T from having me meet them.

I was so nervous I had a cigarette. I was shaking which no one noticed, thank goodness for. I was holding a wine glass with one hand, but I then decided after it was sloshing a little because I was shaking that two hands were better. T's step mom kept offering me wine. I don't think they know my age. I didn't decline the wine, it being a holiday. It's wine, I don't drink it to get drunk.

Okay well I think I'm going to go into depth. :D T and I drove from my dad's to his dad's which is about 15 miles away in mainly silence. I don't mind this. With him even silence is beautiful. Which I usually hate silence so I know something is right here? Well it wasn't silent, we always listen to music, being music and cinephiles. We were sick of Christmas music. I skipped through the channels. I have music A.D.H.D. and can't stick to something. Plus they play some not so good songs xp
We were almost out of town. We always hold hands. T asks me, "Baby can I have a cigarette? I didn't smoke at all since yesterday". I told him yes if I could have one. I was nervous, I think he was too? Either that or he was stressed my family was upset for leaving so soon. He smokes Camel Crushes. I am not a smoker. I had one pack last week though I won't deny. Well I bought it two weeks ago and finished last week. It took over a week and a half to finish. He is a smoker. He started three years ago. I hated smoking with a passion before him. He didn't smoke ever around me when I told him that. Then I told him it was okay if he had wanted to. So we smoked in silence. Except for my occasional giggle, being a non-smoker I still get bad head rushes.

We pulled up and he asked me if I wanted a chocolate. I did to help cover up the smoke on my breath because we didn't have gum. He opened chocolate my stepmom had given us. It was Hershey kisses :) He struggled to open the thin ribbon so I did it, by cheating with my teeth. He opened his by just cheating and pulling the ribbon up and over the top :). We got out of his car and walked up to the door. It is a nice house. Very large. Decorated well. I walked behind T being afraid. The door was basically all glass and it was surrounded by large windows. I could see the largest tree I'd ever seen in the window on the left. He knocked and his father opened it. His sister was standing near. She is just a year older or younger. She is going to college an hour away so she's not home much.

We walked in and I took off my work boots, being the only shoes I had. Well I had leaned down to start untying them when T introduced his father. I hopped up quick and said, "My name is Marinia" after finding out his name. But T had already said my name so I apologized and giggled. I think they figured out I was nervous. T introduced his sister. I took off my shoes. His sister and him look like they can be twins. They look so similar! She's very pretty. His father is striking as well. I had only seen one photo of him T pulled out when he showed me pictures of himself. It was a family portrait from when they were still one family, his mother and father. His father had black hair in it. Now he has gray hair.
His father took my coat for me. I set down my purse with my shoes. We were standing there as they said how good it was for him to come. He doesn't visit much, which he should. We were standing there when his stepmom came up from the basement. T handed them their gift, a bottle of wine. Moscato...YUM
 
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She offered some to us.

Well I was writing it all. Then my fucking computer froze... so yeah. Well I'm kinda pissed and don't even want to write what I had already written...

Anyways it was great. And then we came back to my step aunts and played a great game called The Game of Things. It's funny. It's definitely an adult game. It's addictive.
Well my computer needs to restart now. Fucking hell.
 
So everything is going better.

L and I still don't talk.
My friends who were away at college are back, well two just left again. We've been hanging out.
I haven't had much alone time. Which explains the long gaps and confusing posts. My sister also gave me a journal for Christmas. I've already written around 25-30 pages!!! oops. I guess I have alot more to say than I ever imagined.

Well. T and I are together, if you haven't already gathered. I shut out B after some intense problems. Since cutting her out, my life isn't so stressful. Which sounds horrible. But it's the truth. I need to be more open. More so than I am.

I stayed at T's for Christmas. Then I did this past weekend for New Year's. We drank wine and celebrated. :D

I came over for New Year's Eve and stayed. He took me back the next day. Then that night I hung with my two friends from college. They are a couple. And completely . . . AWWWW! They are so perfect for each other really. I wish them the best. They deserve the other. They are even a 'long distance' couple. Long distance being only a few hours away. But they see each other not as much as they were used to for the summer. God. I just can't believe it's 2012...
All the things that happened last year. It feels impossibly close and far.....

Oops. Anyways, back to mah storeee.
So then I hung out with them once I got back to town. It was getting late and they were feeling lazy so they just asked me to stay. I stayed on the couch and watched movies all night. I wanted to keep in my work schedule. They stayed on the other couch and slept. It was a good night. I watched Micmacs. AWESOME FRENCH FILM.

Well then the next day which would be.... yesterday. T texted me on his lunch. I asked him for a ride back to my dad's. I went there with him. He hung out for the rest of his lunch. He asked me to stay again. So alas I stayed at his house again last night. Does he miss me?

That's two nights out of the last three that I've stayed... I haven't stayed with my dad in quite awhile now. ^.^

I caught him watching me brush my hair the other day after I was out of the shower. I was brushing and I like to sneak peeks at him. The mirror is on the wall opposite the one his bed is against. He was lying on his bed. I was brushing in the mirror. I turned to look, thinking he'd be looking at the tv because he was on his xbox. I caught him just watching me. . . . :D XP ^.^
I felt so good knowing he was watching me do something mundane. That he liked to look at me. I felt pretty.
He giggled. He was trying to be sly.
GAH my heart is gushing.
Well I stayed last night. And I'm actually on his computer writing this right now. I'm staying here during the day while he's off at work. I like being here. Without him I do feel a little alone though. I'm here alone.
I think this means he trusts me alot? Ha ha ha.

Oh shit. Just realized today is Tuesday... I work tonight. Well I'll write more later. I always say this and don't. . . I'm going to crawl back into his cozy bed.

Shit. I don't want to work.
1. One of my managers will be pissed at me so I need to avoid her at all costs*
2. It's work
3. I need another job - money and sanity sake. My hours are getting cut now that the holidays are done. My coworkers are fucking driving me up a wall.
*I called in sick for New Year's Eve. I'm never scheduled Saturdays. The schedule was messed up so I had to ask her to fix it. I had made plans already for that night. Well they pinned me there. I asked a coworker, WHO HAD NO PLANS, to switch shifts. He said no... Which is his right yes. But he is... the worst coworker ever. He disappears for a half an hour at a time to wherever it is he goes. He takes his time, which is not good, considering we have alot to do in a short period of time. He is constantly yelled at by management. The only reason he won't get fired is because he is a day manager's son.............................. fucking nepotism. Don't tell me it doesn't happen.
Well so he just pissed me off. Considering if he would have done it he would have gotten extra pay and because I took his shift from another day, he'd have three days off in a row.......... . . . . . . . . . . It's not like he even needs the money. Frustration. He just irks me.

Well it's almost 9. I should sleep. My toes are currently popsicles.

I think I'll read before sleeping :D
 
Okay polyamory.com
I'm not sure if I'll continue this?
maybe random blobs of things here and there.
T and I are still getting along so well. I stay with him constantly. He's been staying with me too.
He's asked me if I'd like to live with him. I would. We're planning on it.
i'm so proud of him.
He's proven himself to me recently that he has changed and is honest. :D
I know I can be happy with him.
 
I think I'll start a new blog. This one just is... dead?
Maybe that's why I don't want to do it much anymore?
I'm happier now so I think I want this
 
Welp... I have strained things again... :( I did terrible things. I cheated - and was honest, the honesty is a first for my infidelities. I had relations with someone I SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE. I started a journal on my sexual misadventures. I realized I have an issue. So I looked up self help sites. Yours truly is going to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. I need it. I want to say, and yet am afraid?
I had relations with someone I should not. There are several issues with this sexual encounter. I know it's wrong. I can sit here while writing and honestly be so confident in saying I know it's wrong. I do. But when these situations arise, I do not control myself. I KNOW IT'S WRONG. Yet I do it. I have no control. People may think this is an excuse. But do normal people have relations with someone almost 25 years their senior, who is in an authoritative position, and has a wife and family? Nope. Yep. So at least I'm admitting things. I am admitting I'm wrong. That I have no control. I do not trust this site enough to say for sure what happened - although I desperately want to to reach out. I do not trust someone.... Brandi. And if the man I had relations with is found out, there would be big consequences. :(
 
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