Mono gf now has lover - out of my element here

H

hellokitty

New member
Wow, I haven't been around in a long time so quick recap... Bf of 7 yrs, gf of 3. I've been his and her only partner for pretty much the entirety of both relationships. Jules has had casual things and hook-ups. He's always been honest and open about it, so I've been able to trust him and feel comfortable and secure. Aimee has always been mono and struggled with me having another partner.

I came out last fall as wanting to date other people. I agreed to take it slow. Jules was more on board, as we have a deep level of trust and understanding.

Aimee didn't understand, and had a hard time with it when I started liking a guy. I told her about my feelings for him, and it was a struggle for a while. I agreed to put the brekes on things with him so we could work through jealousy issues. I didn't see him at all for 3 months. I didn't start spending time with him again for 6.

This was after Aimee and I discussed it. I laid out my feelings for him. I told her I didn't want to lose her, but I have a connection with him I'd like to see through. I let her know all the workings of my relationship with him, why he's important to me, etc.

I promised to keep in touch, communicate, be open with her about it. I wanted her to feel connected to me, and assured that me being with someone else wasn't a scary thing, and that I wouldn't leave her side in helping us through this.

I wanted to take things slow, and show her this guy was probably the least threatening person I could be interested in, merely a person I enjoy spending time with every now and again. He is already in a committed relationship, doesn't live close by, and isn't interested in anything serious.

At this time, her behavior started to change. She was on her phone constantly, texting, which she never does. I saw the same name popping up on her phone over and over, a name she had never mentioned. Normally, we tell each other about new friends. and are always excited to introduce each other and hang out. We are very social together.

Eventually I found a way to ask if she had any exciting new friends. She mentioned some people she met from work, and *finally* mentioned this girl. I asked if they were more than friends. She got a nervous look and said something about, well, she's not my type, but she likes me... Very vague. She obviously wanted to change the topic. I let it go, because she said she wasn't interested, so whatever.

That behavior continued, to the point where she was being spacey around me because she was texting this girl so much. They started hanging out every week.

I asked her again if they liked each other, and she beat around the bush. I was getting very frustrated at this point, because I felt she was trying to keep me out. So I asked if this girl knew about me? She said no.

?????????

Obviously, I was devastated. That's not how we do things. We are together constantly, a huge part of each other's lives, and she failed to mention to this girl she had been talking to/spending time with for 2 months that her partner of nearly 4 years even exists? I was crushed.

She stumbled over her words like, "Oh well... it never came up." Yeah, maybe so, but if you know someone is interested in being with you, how do you fail to mention that? Maybe if you first meet someone out at the bar, but not a friend you've been texting daily and have hung out with a handful of times.

Am I wrong here???

I was very hurt, but Aimee continued seeing her. In fact, they hung out the very next day. Supposedly, that day the girl poured her feelings out to Aimee, and told her how much she liked her, to which Aimee said she felt the same. THEN she took the opportunity to break the news about me, and her friend didn't care, and they decided to continue on.

Aimee doesn't see why I'm having a hard time with this. She doesn't see how painful her actions were to me, and how threatening it is to have her dating someone she sees every day at work, and can potentially spend every day with. I mean, she lives in walking distance of her house! This girl is single and has feelings for Aimee. Someone single is a threat to me, because Aimee's made it clear in the past she wanted a mono relationship. She claims she doesn't want to be mono anymore. I still feel insecure. The trust isn't there yet.

The part that is the hardest for me is the fear of the unknown. Yes, I should trust Aimee, but it's hard to take her word on all this. I have no sense of what is going on between them, what her friend knows, if she even actually does know about me, or if she knows how serious we are. I don't know her motives.

And Aimee doesn't want me to meet her.

??????????????????

I don't understand why. Why does she want to keep me out when she's attempting to open our relationship? In my mind, that's the exact opposite of how we should go about it. I told her it hurts me the most to be left in the dark. Once I can feel secure and in the loop, and be shown I can trust her, everything will fall into place. But she bitches when I tell her this is what I need. I need to feel secure before I can let go and be okay with my lover seeing someone else.

Am I being unreasonable? Maybe a little emotional, but I'm hurting. I just need to feel understood. I need to breathe. I'm having a hard time trusting. I need to heal, but everything feels so chaotic. I don't know how to move forward.
 
I think the problem isn't that she has feeling someone else, it's the lying and evasion. That's cheating, not poly.

Communication is so important with this stuff. She's broken your trust. You shouldn't just trust her, because she's shown herself to be untrustworthy. You need to talk about that part, and work it out, before you can deal with anything else.
 
I agree. She sounds very untrustworthy right now.
 
I think it's very difficult for a person who isn't themselves wholly comfortable with polyamory to wrap their brains around the fact that they can tell you about their other attractions/relationships, and it won't necessarily make you feel bad and insecure, because when they hear you talk about your other relationship/s, THEY feel bad and insecure. Aimee might be coming at this from a mono-minded place and she just isn't comfortable confessing her interest in another to you. She feels guilty, frightened of hurting you, or any of the other things we're conditioned to feel when we "cheat" on our significant other. Or, perhaps she hesitated to admit her feelings because knew you'd be insecure about her seeing a single, mono woman daily.

It's likely Aimee didn't tell the other woman about you because she didn't want to scare her off. That's probably also why she doesn't want the other woman to meet you. If the other woman is single and of a monogamous bent, she might be a flight risk if forced to deal with metamours.

Or, Aimee might not be secure with having you interact. Maybe she fears you and her lover will be attracted to each other, and she doesn't want to share you anymore than she already does, and she doesn't want to share her new friend with you. Perhaps you could let Aimee and her

friend develop for a while before insisting that "worlds collide." Several people on this forum have serious partners who have never met at all.

You have every right to be upset that Aimee didn't mention you to her friend sooner and that she felt compelled to lie about her level of interest. That's not proper poly etiquette. But perhaps we can allow for a learning curve while she makes this transition from only being with you to being with two women? If Aimee is new to balancing two relationships, she's likely to stumble, especially if one of her relationships is with another newbie.

There is, of course, the danger that Aimee really isn't happy with you dating others, and she'll find herself more drawn toward the lover who is more capable of monogamy. But if that's the case, would you really want to keep her from happiness?
 
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Yeah... PART of the problem is the dishonesty, but HelloKitty clearly pointed out that Aimee works with the person she's seeing, and lives within walking distance. I think she's afraid that the new gf might be more available time-wise than she is. That's a jealousy issue, but it's also a reality of dating mono people.
 
I agree with the others. The primary issue is the deception.

If I recall correctly, Aimee wanted you to be mono with her, so you are probably logically questioning whether she has indeed changed her stripes and can handle polyamory, or if she is in fact monoamorous, and looking for someone else to be mono with her. You may, at some point, have to face that it is the latter. But this is a separate issue from the deception.

Given that they are both emotionally-charged issues, I think you have them rolled up into one ball. It may help you to see if you can get them separated.

As to meeting Aimee's potential gf, I understand, as I tend to roll that way. But many polyamorous people function by keeping relationships entirely separate.
 
hellokitty said:
Aimee doesn't see why I'm having a hard time with this, how painful her actions were to me, how threatening it is to have her dating someone she sees every day at work and can potentially spend every day with. She lives in walking distance of her house, and she is single! Someone single is a threat to me, because she's made it clear in the past she wanted a mono relationship. She claims she doesn't anymore, but I still feel insecure. The trust isn't there yet.
Click to expand...

There have already been a lot of good points made about the dishonesty, so there's no need to recap what has already been said. The point I want to touch on is highlighted in this paragraph.

You have spent a long time in a poly relationship with mono partners, so I can understand a slight amount of trepidation. But that aside, you seem to be genuinely resentful of the fact that your mono partner is interested in someone else. If so... why? I think the issue is that I find your argument incredibly self-serving. You want to be the primary focus of your girlfriend's affections, but you afford no such benefit to her. Now someone has entered the picture who WILL make her that primary focus, and you have a problem with it. Absolutely! Aimee's new partner has the ability to spends more time with her than you are able to. That's not her fault. That's a necessary consequence of you having multiple partners yourself.

Some people were just NOT cut out to be with a polyamorous partner. Just as you have the right to say you are polyamorous, and that anyone you are with needs to accept that, so does Aimee have the right to say that she's monoamorous, and if you feel the need to have multiple partners, she has every bit the same right to look elsewhere for the emotional connection she desires.
 
Hey, there are no guarantees in life. You and Aimee might stay together, or you might not. She might learn more about how to handle a poly situation, or she might not. You might meet her friend, or you might not. The key is not to try and control things. Essentially, that would be an illusion, because you really have no control. Rather, choose to be present and attentive to what is happening now. Feelings arise, so you handle them, express them. Expectations and disappointments come up, you take responsibility for them.

Live each day as if it's your last. Make choices that take care of you and enhance your life. Aimee will either be a part of that or not. What else is there?
 
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