hightreason
New member
I am going to start writing here just to get some things into words and out there. I would love comments, but not from people who feel the desire to be rude and disrespectful. And, make no mistake, you will read a lot in my story that you will find objectionable. You are free to disagree with me or my actions. I disagree with many of my past actions. Anyway, here it is for anyone who cares to read it.
I grew up in a southern baptist family. There was never any kind of love presented to me as possible except that between a monogamous man and woman. I started to realize that religion was a bunch of bullshit at a relatively young age, but still retained a lot of the baggage that came with it for years after. I started acknowledging that I was an atheist around the age of 15.
Until the age of 19, I was never with a woman in any capacity; relationship, sex, or otherwise really. Not even very close female friends. Females were a mystery to me. In high school, I was with a male friend sexually a couple times, but not involving penetrative sex. I already often questioned the common belief that people could only love one other person romantically, though it was more in the form of doubts than any concrete beliefs at that point.
At the age of 19, I got into a monogamous relationship with a woman 11 years older than me. I was just so glad to have a woman's love at that point that I never questioned the terms of the relationship or if monogamy was the right model for our relationship. She moved across the country to move in with me after we had only met one time for a week (and talked a lot online). She was crazy. I mean, not the way that everyone is a little bit crazy, but literally, she should have been seriously seeing a psychiatrist a few times a week. We stayed together for almost two years. I broke up with her shortly after turning 21, and we continued to live together for a while until she moved out eventually.
While she was still living with me but after we broke up, I went online and found a site for swingers (I didn't really know polyamory was a thing at the time, but I knew I wanted to meet people who didn't want to limit themselves to one partner). I met a couple (man and woman) who wanted to meet me. We talked online for a while and planned to meet up. However, when the meetup date came, the man and woman had broken up, and I met the woman only. I wasn't that attracted to her, but we went out a few times, and had sex once. I realized she really wasn't someone I was that into, though, and broke it off in the worst way possible. I just stopped answering her calls.
After my ex-girlfriend moved out, my friends (broken up couple) and their young daughter moved into my house with me. Those were some of the best days of my life. Both of them became great friends of mine, and I loved their daughter almost like she was my own. He was monogamous and straight. She was polyamorous and bi-sexual, but we never did anything romantic or sexual. However, I learned a lot from her, and she really helped cement my firm belief that I should never have to settle for only one person to love. Both of them are still my good friends to this day.
Be that as it may, I had a hard time finding even one person to love for years. Sure, there were casual hook-ups and the odd brief relationship, but nothing really satisfying.
Then I met my ex-wife. Once again, I was in much the same position that I was in earlier. I had gone through such a dry spell that I was just glad at least one person loved me. I still knew that I was poly, but I denied it even to myself much of the time and proposed marriage within six months without revealing any of that to her. I guess I felt like I was largely unlovable, and I needed to do whatever it took to keep this one person who loved me and not screw it up by bringing up polyamory, which she certainly would not have gone for.
We got married and were married for six years. During that time, I did cheat on her. I never got caught. I just figured that my part was to do whatever I could to hide my other sexual partners because what she didn't know couldn't hurt her. And it didn't. We got divorced for completely different reasons.
After the divorce (well before but after we were no longer a couple), I started dating for the first time, I mean like real dating. I had never really done that before, too shy and insecure. I guess I had become a little more comfortable in my skin in my older age. I was going out with different people on different nights. I was juggling three or four women I regularly went out on dates with. It wasn't that serious with any of them, so I never felt the need to tell them about each other. None of us ever called each other a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend" so why should I have to tell them about dates I was going on with other women, right? It felt so right to me, going out with one woman one night and another the next night. Every one of the women I was seeing fulfilled different needs. Then it all went to shit.
I fell in love with one of them.
You see, even though I had considered myself poly for some time by that point, I still never thought I could ever get into a successful poly relationship. I knew other people had, but it was like becoming a rock star. I know rock stars exist, but my chance of becoming one is really really slim. That's how I viewed poly relationships. I didn't talk to her about being poly. I just settled again. Over time, I broke ties with the other women I was seeing, and started seeing only this one. We moved in together.
This is my current girlfriend.
After some time, after the "NRE" had worn off, I started seeing other women on the side. Not seriously, but for sex and whatnot. I wished I could make a romantic connection with someone else, but I knew it would break up my current relationship, and I loved my girlfriend. Then, she caught me cheating. She snooped through emails and found correspondences between me and another woman. She was angry, and I was ready to break up. To my surprise, however, we didn't. She didn't like it, but she accepted the fact that I will be having sexual relations with other women. That was 2.5 years ago.
My current situation: I enjoy the sexual freedom she allows me, but I am more and more dissatisfied that I am unable to make any real connection with other women. I would like more than just meaningless sex. I am so capable of loving more than one person without diminishing my love for any of them. I have only just started having conversations with her about my needs as a polyamorous person. I wish she could understand.
I know my story contains a lot of lies, cheating, deceit, and downright lousiness. I know I have not always been a good person in my relationships. I am trying now. I am completely honest with her. I am talking to her about my needs and trying to make sure she listens. Maybe, possibly she can understand?
Only time will tell.
I grew up in a southern baptist family. There was never any kind of love presented to me as possible except that between a monogamous man and woman. I started to realize that religion was a bunch of bullshit at a relatively young age, but still retained a lot of the baggage that came with it for years after. I started acknowledging that I was an atheist around the age of 15.
Until the age of 19, I was never with a woman in any capacity; relationship, sex, or otherwise really. Not even very close female friends. Females were a mystery to me. In high school, I was with a male friend sexually a couple times, but not involving penetrative sex. I already often questioned the common belief that people could only love one other person romantically, though it was more in the form of doubts than any concrete beliefs at that point.
At the age of 19, I got into a monogamous relationship with a woman 11 years older than me. I was just so glad to have a woman's love at that point that I never questioned the terms of the relationship or if monogamy was the right model for our relationship. She moved across the country to move in with me after we had only met one time for a week (and talked a lot online). She was crazy. I mean, not the way that everyone is a little bit crazy, but literally, she should have been seriously seeing a psychiatrist a few times a week. We stayed together for almost two years. I broke up with her shortly after turning 21, and we continued to live together for a while until she moved out eventually.
While she was still living with me but after we broke up, I went online and found a site for swingers (I didn't really know polyamory was a thing at the time, but I knew I wanted to meet people who didn't want to limit themselves to one partner). I met a couple (man and woman) who wanted to meet me. We talked online for a while and planned to meet up. However, when the meetup date came, the man and woman had broken up, and I met the woman only. I wasn't that attracted to her, but we went out a few times, and had sex once. I realized she really wasn't someone I was that into, though, and broke it off in the worst way possible. I just stopped answering her calls.
After my ex-girlfriend moved out, my friends (broken up couple) and their young daughter moved into my house with me. Those were some of the best days of my life. Both of them became great friends of mine, and I loved their daughter almost like she was my own. He was monogamous and straight. She was polyamorous and bi-sexual, but we never did anything romantic or sexual. However, I learned a lot from her, and she really helped cement my firm belief that I should never have to settle for only one person to love. Both of them are still my good friends to this day.
Be that as it may, I had a hard time finding even one person to love for years. Sure, there were casual hook-ups and the odd brief relationship, but nothing really satisfying.
Then I met my ex-wife. Once again, I was in much the same position that I was in earlier. I had gone through such a dry spell that I was just glad at least one person loved me. I still knew that I was poly, but I denied it even to myself much of the time and proposed marriage within six months without revealing any of that to her. I guess I felt like I was largely unlovable, and I needed to do whatever it took to keep this one person who loved me and not screw it up by bringing up polyamory, which she certainly would not have gone for.
We got married and were married for six years. During that time, I did cheat on her. I never got caught. I just figured that my part was to do whatever I could to hide my other sexual partners because what she didn't know couldn't hurt her. And it didn't. We got divorced for completely different reasons.
After the divorce (well before but after we were no longer a couple), I started dating for the first time, I mean like real dating. I had never really done that before, too shy and insecure. I guess I had become a little more comfortable in my skin in my older age. I was going out with different people on different nights. I was juggling three or four women I regularly went out on dates with. It wasn't that serious with any of them, so I never felt the need to tell them about each other. None of us ever called each other a "boyfriend" or a "girlfriend" so why should I have to tell them about dates I was going on with other women, right? It felt so right to me, going out with one woman one night and another the next night. Every one of the women I was seeing fulfilled different needs. Then it all went to shit.
I fell in love with one of them.
You see, even though I had considered myself poly for some time by that point, I still never thought I could ever get into a successful poly relationship. I knew other people had, but it was like becoming a rock star. I know rock stars exist, but my chance of becoming one is really really slim. That's how I viewed poly relationships. I didn't talk to her about being poly. I just settled again. Over time, I broke ties with the other women I was seeing, and started seeing only this one. We moved in together.
This is my current girlfriend.
After some time, after the "NRE" had worn off, I started seeing other women on the side. Not seriously, but for sex and whatnot. I wished I could make a romantic connection with someone else, but I knew it would break up my current relationship, and I loved my girlfriend. Then, she caught me cheating. She snooped through emails and found correspondences between me and another woman. She was angry, and I was ready to break up. To my surprise, however, we didn't. She didn't like it, but she accepted the fact that I will be having sexual relations with other women. That was 2.5 years ago.
My current situation: I enjoy the sexual freedom she allows me, but I am more and more dissatisfied that I am unable to make any real connection with other women. I would like more than just meaningless sex. I am so capable of loving more than one person without diminishing my love for any of them. I have only just started having conversations with her about my needs as a polyamorous person. I wish she could understand.
I know my story contains a lot of lies, cheating, deceit, and downright lousiness. I know I have not always been a good person in my relationships. I am trying now. I am completely honest with her. I am talking to her about my needs and trying to make sure she listens. Maybe, possibly she can understand?
Only time will tell.
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