New to this! Advice needed

[iridescentbutterfly]

Ok first let me give you a little about my background. I am very new to this (my first poly post ever!) so advice is greatly appreciated. My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 3. My hubby (we'll call him Jason) and I have been discussing a poly relationship for about 8 months now. What triggered the conversation was that a very dear female friend of mine came back into my life around that time and I finally had the courage to admit to myself that I have been in love with her since we were 17 years old. I wanted to be in the clear to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with her if the opportunity presented itself. In reconnecting with her, I discovered that she was in a complicated relationship and a fragile mental place and I wasn't interested in the upheaval that had the potential to cause in my marriage, so I dropped the issue and have enjoyed being her friend, for now.

Since that time this guy (we'll call him Brody) has been part of our lives off and on. He is a former coworker of my husband's, and they have become fairly close. The first time I met Brody, there was an instant attraction. He made a good impression--he was polite and good looking but I thought nothing else of it. Then, a few weeks later Brody took a vow of silence as a New Years resolution. I remember thinking, "Oh yeah right! That won't last a week..." Yet here we are almost to August and I've heard one word--"Hey". So really the only time we have ever "spoken" is when we first met. Needless to say it took me a few months to warm up to Brody, I thought the whole not talking thing was pretty strange, but then I started paying attention to his interactions, facial expressions, body language, and I began to fall for his thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, intellectual and artistic nature. And I mean I was falling HARD. This is what you need to know about Brody...he's reserved, private, artistic, poetic, intellegent, observant, philosophical, sweet, and...confusing. And sometimes lost in his own fantasy world. He's dark, brooding, and handsome with a smile that can melt your heart, and oh my god the most amazing "f$&! me" eyes.

I consider myself to be very intuitive and pay close attention to my feelings and I realized that whenever he was physically near me I felt warmand giddy. In his presence I felt so free to be ME. He brings out a passionate, artistic side of me that has been missing for waaaay too long. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, he is also attentive, devoted, super committed, accepting and unconditional and absolutely irreplaceable to me...but Brody, he's just like the other half to a perfect man. He's in touch with his emotions (Jason is super macho and tends to hide what he feels), passionate, creative, and yes...eccentric. But interesting and has that zest for life (Jason is content with "vanilla". I'm a Gemini, I am not!) So Brody holds that intrigue and excitement! He has indicated that once he has the "company" of a woman he will speak again, and oh, how I want to be the one to give him that sexual healing! But it is so hard to know what to do because we've barely ever spoken....we've texted a few times (he was thoughtful enough to remember my birthday!) we've written back and forth, he's given me some of his poetry, and it seems to me like there is definitely a sense of attraction in the lingering eye contact and flirtatious looks. He hugs me every time he sees me, often he looks at me with surprise and admiration, but it is so hard to know how he feels when he won't talk! I'm trying to be patient as this is obviously important to him, but it's so frustrating!

Anyway, I've talked to Jason about the possibility of me being with another guy, and he seems okay with it, as long as it's the right person...I know it sounds so crazy purely for the fact that we've never had an actual spoken conversation, but I never do things the conventional way (obviously)! I have fallen so hard for his personality and there is such a magnetic sexual attraction between us both, but I want to be free to get to know him better to see if a relationship is possible.

The tricky thing is, without knowing for sure if Brody is interested makes me hesitant to bring up the subject with Jason. The self doubt part of me says all of these "signs" I'm reading that he's into me are just my own wishful thinking...and I'm a little nervous that if I do tell Jason how I feel about his friend that he might be jealous, hurt, or abandon the friendship and that would devestate me...and him as well. Although he has proven openminded about these things in conversation, the fact that this is his good friend and a guy this time instead of a girl has me feeling a little anxious...I guess I just want to know FOR SURE that Brody is interested in me before I risk making Jason jealous. I want it to be worth the effort.

At the same time, although Brody is casually flirty with me, I think he has too much respect for Jason to really make a move. He has no idea that Jason and I have been discussing opening up our marriage and I want so bad to know how he feels before I take this any further...but I think Jason needs to be the one to give Brody permission to date his wife...and then Brody can let me know if he's interested.

I just don't want to be wrong about the signals Brody has been sending my way and make it awkward and destroy the friendship between Brody and Jason...that would make me feel so selfish, especially because I think my husband considers Brody his best friend at this point. Suggestions?

Also, I do think Jason knows that I'm interested in Brody because I always get more dressed up and polished to see him than I do for any of our other friends, and Jason definitely notices but does not seem to mind. Jason keeps suggesting that we get a place with Brody because he thinks Brody is "depressed and lonely". I think in a way Jason cares about Brody so much that he wants to share me with him, to heal his friends broken heart, and because he knows I could take care of them both.

I guess I really just need to have a candid conversation with my husband about it. Any suggestions on how to approach that? Without making him feel "not enough"? I know that it is a delicate situation because a friendship is involved. The two really do look out for each other...

Also, any ideas how to gauge nonverbal signs of interest from a silent man? Is this too sensitive/complicated to pursue? Advice?

 

[central]

You've discussed opening your marriage with your husband, in the context of a female friend. Have you discussed it in the context of another male? If not, that's step one. If you have, then you should discuss this potential boyfriend explicitly. There is potential here for something good, but also for great harm if you proceed without a clear understanding - destroying your husband's friendship, his trust in you, and thus your relationship. Don't tiptoe around the issue - bring it up tactfully but clearly. Communicaiton is key!

 

[MusicalRose]

The first piece of advice is unrelated to poly. I would suggest reading around the boards and getting a feel for a more intuitive way to format your posts. One giant paragraph is going to cause people to ignore or skip over posts because it is pretty draining to try and keep track of where you are in a wall of text like that.

My thoughts on the content of your post are that you probably should be communicating to Jason. I think it would be unfair to Brody to indicate your interest to him before you talk with Jason about the details, who you are interested in, and if you think an open relationship is still a good idea. It is scary to think that Jason might destroy his friendship with Brody over that, but you can't control Jason, and you aren't responsible for that if he does take that action. I would especially talk to Jason about this interest and attraction before you would even consider having Brody move in as a roommate. That sounds like a lot of temptation and disaster waiting to happen if you and Jason haven't discussed this.

 

[iridescentbutterfly]

Thank you both for your feedback. Yes we have recently discussed (within the last couple of weeks) the possibility of bringing another man into the arrangement. I think my husband actually does know who I have in mind, but is waiting for me to be the one to say it. I just need to grow a pair and actually talk to him about it! But he did say that he would be ok with me seeing another guy as long as the man was respectful of our family and had good intentions.

You're right, I would never get into a living arrangement with them both until everything is out on the table. I guess this post was just needing some reassurance that the whole thing is worthwhile...it all seems rather complicated and confusing, especially never having explored this territory before. I just need an idea of how to approach my husband about the subject that I have feelings for one of his best friends!

And yes, I do agree with your feedback about the giant paragraph, thank you! It was super late and my browser closed after I had typed my first post (on my phone, my computer's broken--gah!) and so I re-typed it all because I needed to get this out, even if just anonymously on the internet! Thanks so much for reading through and replying but I did take your advice and edit it to make it more readable. Thanks again!