Hello all. Here's what's up.
Me and my main man (MM) have been together for almost 3 years. We are both almost in our 20s, so I still get to use the young-and-stupid excuse, right?
Anyway, a few months into our relationship, MM brought up poly. I contemplated it and agreed. But there's a catch: he wasn't OK with me being poly. At the time, I was perplexed, but fine with this, because I really had no desire to see other people. However, as MM and I have discussed, if I had a D&D character alignment, it would be chaotic/neutral; i.e., if I'm not supposed to do it, I REALLY want to do it for pretty much no other reason than that I'm not supposed to. Not to mention I'm a diehard feminist and am obsessed with equality in every aspect.
As you could guess, this has lead to some problems.
As time progressed, I expressed to him my concerns, but never really considered "vetoing" his relationships with other people because I didn't feel it was fair to said other people. We discussed, and discussed, and what came out was this: he gave me the OK to be with other people, but was not actually emotionally OK with it. Basically, it started out as "Do what you want. I don't wanna know," and turned into "Don't even talk to me about your crushes." Suffice it to say, I felt (and feel) shitty, this coming from a guy I literally share almost everything with. On top of that, he often backed out at the last minute, saying he was uncomfortable with me seeing other men.
Fast forward to now. He has flip-flopped from consenting to not consenting to me being poly so many times that my trust for him in this area has completely disappeared. I resent him; I want to hurt him back; and I am tired. Recently we discussed this and I straight-up told him that I want to move out and be on my own for a while. Break up? Probably not, but it is always a possibility.
This is very difficult to come to terms with, because I did what I promised myself I would never let anyone do to me again-- take advantage of me. It was subtle, but it was still impactful. So now I am planning where I'm going to go and if I'm going to go at all.
Hard times.
To top it off, I have no desire for sex anymore. At all. Partly due to medical problems; partly it's emotional. I don't even masturbate anymore. I'm very disenchanted with the idea of relationships at all now because of this, and it goes without saying that I'm extremely pissed off. I'm not even 20 years old yet and I have to deal with shit I shouldn't be encountering until post-menopause.
So... yeah. I kinda just want to live alone in the woods for a while. However, I also love MM very much and don't want to give up cuddles (although part of me does just to spite him).
Ack. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Me and my main man (MM) have been together for almost 3 years. We are both almost in our 20s, so I still get to use the young-and-stupid excuse, right?
Anyway, a few months into our relationship, MM brought up poly. I contemplated it and agreed. But there's a catch: he wasn't OK with me being poly. At the time, I was perplexed, but fine with this, because I really had no desire to see other people. However, as MM and I have discussed, if I had a D&D character alignment, it would be chaotic/neutral; i.e., if I'm not supposed to do it, I REALLY want to do it for pretty much no other reason than that I'm not supposed to. Not to mention I'm a diehard feminist and am obsessed with equality in every aspect.
As you could guess, this has lead to some problems.
As time progressed, I expressed to him my concerns, but never really considered "vetoing" his relationships with other people because I didn't feel it was fair to said other people. We discussed, and discussed, and what came out was this: he gave me the OK to be with other people, but was not actually emotionally OK with it. Basically, it started out as "Do what you want. I don't wanna know," and turned into "Don't even talk to me about your crushes." Suffice it to say, I felt (and feel) shitty, this coming from a guy I literally share almost everything with. On top of that, he often backed out at the last minute, saying he was uncomfortable with me seeing other men.
Fast forward to now. He has flip-flopped from consenting to not consenting to me being poly so many times that my trust for him in this area has completely disappeared. I resent him; I want to hurt him back; and I am tired. Recently we discussed this and I straight-up told him that I want to move out and be on my own for a while. Break up? Probably not, but it is always a possibility.
This is very difficult to come to terms with, because I did what I promised myself I would never let anyone do to me again-- take advantage of me. It was subtle, but it was still impactful. So now I am planning where I'm going to go and if I'm going to go at all.
Hard times.
To top it off, I have no desire for sex anymore. At all. Partly due to medical problems; partly it's emotional. I don't even masturbate anymore. I'm very disenchanted with the idea of relationships at all now because of this, and it goes without saying that I'm extremely pissed off. I'm not even 20 years old yet and I have to deal with shit I shouldn't be encountering until post-menopause.
So... yeah. I kinda just want to live alone in the woods for a while. However, I also love MM very much and don't want to give up cuddles (although part of me does just to spite him).
Ack. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.