To poly or not to poly? That is the question.

[pertparty369]

I am new, so I'll just jump right in. I am 30. I have muscular dystrophy and am in a wheelchair. I have been in a monogamous relationship with my BF (35) for the past 11 years. We have been living together at my mother's house.

My BF moved to another town about 45 mins away, claiming it was to do something on his own. 2 weeks later I found out he was seeing another guy (19) and living in the same house, separate bedrooms, without my knowledge, for the past 6 months.

He says they haven't had sex yet, due to his ED, which was a slight friction point during our relationship.

It broke my heart. I cried for 2 days.

The other guy suggested a 3-person relationship. My BF says he loves us both and wants to continue our relationship, along with the other guy.

I still love my BF. My mind is doubting it will work, but my heart wants it to. I am not sure what to decide. To poly or not to poly?

 

[CandyBunnii]

Try it.

If you choose not to, then you'll risk losing your boyfriend.
If you choose to do it, then you'll have two boyfriends. If it works, awesome you kept your primary bf and gained another one. If it doesn't, you'll lose your bf.

Worse case scenario between the two is the exact same, so it's much better to choose the best case scenario between the two: to try poly.

 

[Emm]

A "three person relationship" doesn't necessarily imply that pertparty gains a boyfriend; not everyone in a poly relationship is automatically involved with everyone else.

Pertparty, your aim shouldn't be to try anything you can think of to keep your BF, the first thing to do is work out if you still want to have anything to do with him. Do you feel that you can forgive your BF cheating on you?

 

[Rosque]

Well I guess I sometimes have a bit of a boys perspective, although I do not consider myself one nor would I ever be deisred to be called one, nor in anyway should my familiarty or fears regarding their form, be construed against me in prejudice, however… I do know that for a poly-boy,[and by Extension man], Fidelity in a monogamous relationship may be impossible in that either one fails in providing monogamous affection or ones health appears to deteriorate physically or mentally. I guess I’m not without dating experience although I may look at it. Anymeans in such case, it is only really possible for him to be happy with you if you accept his nature.

 

[Marcus]

I'm with Emm in that your primary goal should be to figure your own shit out (though put much more eloquently by Emm) first. The decision about whether or not to enter into this new arrangement should come *after* you've decided if you even want to stay with this lying clown.

Try it.

If you choose not to, then you'll risk losing your boyfriend.
If you choose to do it, then you'll have two boyfriends. If it works, awesome you kept your primary bf and gained another one. If it doesn't, you'll lose your bf.

Worse case scenario between the two is the exact same, so it's much better to choose the best case scenario between the two: to try poly.

If you do decide you want to stick with this guy, I agree with Candy here. Like anything else, sometimes we need to try new things to see if they work for us, certainly when there is a potential loss if we don't. Now that is not to say that we should change who we are or try and jam ourselves into a puzzle slot that just doesn't fit us, but *trying* something new to find out is not a bad thing.

 

[Emm]

I do know that for a poly-boy,[and by Extension man], Fidelity in a monogamous relationship may be impossible in that either one fails in providing monogamous affection or ones health appears to deteriorate physically or mentally.

In which case you either negotiate with your existing partner for a poly outcome or break up with them and start afresh with a stated "Poly only" policy up front. You don't lie and sneak around behind your partner's back.

Anymeans in such case, it is only really possible for him to be happy with you if you accept his nature.

Which in no way means that he's worth making the adjustment for.

 

[Rosque]

Then it's much simpler than represented just break up.

 

[Emm]

"But I'm Poly!" isn't a get out of jail free card for when you're caught cheating.

 

[Rosque]

I never said it was,
however I am saying: If one's hurt one should leave the relationship preferably peacefully: If in such a situation one isn't sufficiently hurt to leave a relationship because one wants to genuinely stay with the other party, then one needs to continue to consider the needs of the other party in the relationship of course if ones needs aren't met, even if one wants to stay in a relationship one ought to leave. which doesn't technically mean one can't try a relationship again, and asides their always remains the possibility of the partner being simply: promiscuity, homosexuality, and-or bisexulity[Correction: grammatical error now made more amusingly consistent]

Personally I don't like the term cheating being thrown out their with lack of exact information, for example where the boundaries clearly communicated? why should I trust pertparty369 other than good faith if she says yes?„ was boy-friend demanding that she be monogamous, and is the cause of the relationship issue that he had the upper hand in the relationship, or couldn't be polygamous?, was she the one demanding that her boy-friend be such, in a controlling manner? not to mention, how would the other boyfriend be affected?~ Asides from that I don't even know if he understands what poly means[not to mention isn't even poly], heck not even all polies know or use the term polyamorous to describe themselves especially outside of the internet.

– Assides from the ambiguities, their are few if any possibilities where this problem wouldn't go away by breaking up: I also don't see the point in experimenting[isn't knowledge of and even about ones sexuality innate?] to see if one likes a certain relationship, asides if one wants to experiment, do so in a figurative sandbox;[Besides every form of relationship fails], just like i'd experiment with dam building in a literal sandbox, given the opportunity, and the challenge to build a dam in a sand stone environment.

Also even assides everything i've said theirs no reason for a mono person to put up with a biperson being controlling.
– I’m trying to be very clear because I don't feel comfortable responding any further.

 

[Marcus]

Then it's much simpler than represented just break up.

Unlike sexual orientation, relationship orientation (monogamy, polyamory, etc) is a product of worldview which has been developed over time. As with any worldview it can (and arguably should) be adjusted with the addition of new information; at least there is no harm in doing a little soul searching to see if there is the possibility of growth.

I'm certainly not in favor of a person denying their nature for the sake of someone else, but I AM in favor of being open to new ideas and information. Just because someone has never considered polyamory before doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't right for them... maybe they just need to consider giving it a shot.

 

[pertparty369]

Clearing it up

first off thanks for all the input, you all have given me lots to think about. I need to clear something up, this an all male relationship all 3 are gay. When I started seeing my boyfriend I assumed he wanted monogomy, I was 19 and just started dating, it never entered my mind to have more than one partner. No one demanded anything, and yes he cheated, he sought out another relationship with another guy behind my back, whether they had sex or not it is cheating. Also a side note, personally the lack of sex makes it worse in my eyes, this wasnt a sudden lustful act, it was a more calculated decision. No I don't understand a poly relationship thats why I'm here, to learn about it.

 

[Marcus]

No I don't understand a poly relationship thats why I'm here, to learn about it.

You may be disappointed by the information you find. I say this because, the same things that make a monogamous relationship shitty are the things that will make a poly relationship shitty.

Possessiveness
Lack of personal responsibility
Dishonesty

These are the things that will kill any relationship right out of the gate. I don't care how many people you're dating, if at least one person is behaving this way you can be sure there will be drama.

The only real distinction I would say applies to pretty much all poly relationships is that the tolerance for possessiveness is necessarily less (though only marginally so). Otherwise a poly relationship is going to work or not depending on whether or not the members are mature, loving, patient, and respecting of their partner... just like a monogamous relationship.