Triage (pun intended)
- Thread starter Peoplelover
- Start date
copperhead
New member
I wonder why the "two (or more) consenting adults" doesn't seem to apply to situations like the one Devirajni is in. It seems like there really is a poly rule book and a board that gets the final word on what is the right way to do things.
If there are two adults genuinely consenting, why do you need a rule? Besides, sometimes people genuinely don't know that just because they've chosen an ethically non monogamous relationship, it doesn't mean you have to agree to certain mono normative rules. Not knowing that, and I mean really understanding that, before you consent to a OPP means that your consent is limited. It isn't fully informed.
Marcus
Well-known member
All very dramatic. Terrorist? Come on.
If you will notice there is a great deal of disagreement on pretty much every topic that has been presented in more or less every thread on this board. There is no secret society agreeing on how you should live and they're all working against you to make you feel bad and live "right". This is your imagination getting the better of you.
I disagree with a startling percentage of what is said on these boards. My views clash hilariously with most of the members who post here. Interestingly there are a couple of things that many of us seem to agree on (VETO, DADT, OPP) but they are all rather extreme examples of rules and are easy to disagree with. Even still, the *reasons* we seem to agree to argue against such rules vary wildly.
I'm just saying that no one is out to get you, even if someone thinks one of your ideas is asinine. You will survive this trauma, I assure you.
InfinitePossibility
New member
I read this recently. I think it is beautifully written and the reading of it made me smile. I thought it seemed like it might be an appropriate thing to share here.
http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/jamie-heckert-love-without-borders-intimacy-identity-and-the-state-of-compulsory-monogamy
IP
http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/jamie-heckert-love-without-borders-intimacy-identity-and-the-state-of-compulsory-monogamy
IP
Marcus
Well-known member
Which part in particular struck you as relevant to this discussion? I can guess, but I'm more curious to see a quote which represents what you find most valuable and constructive.
InfinitePossibility
New member
I think I started paying more attention and feeling more agreement with this article from these words onwards:
For some people, at some times, these conditions may include deciding to have sexual relations with only one other person. While imposed borders and overcoding claims of knowledge/power are incomprehensible to nomadic intimacies, negotiated, autonomous, self-organised boundaries are different.
In terms of this discussion, I see this as particularly relevant:
Understanding a relationship in terms of nomadic boundaries evades claims of superiority for particular notions of monogamy, non-monogamy or polyamory and the borders on which they rely. Instead, we might practice and share relational skills, including fundamentally, the dignity of listening to each other
I have said before that I think that the participants of this discussion board on the whole adhere to a practice of listening to each other and avoiding claims of superiority. Without backing off from talking about areas of disagreement.
I very much like the community here and that's why I hang around, read and sometimes write - even though I have no desire to part of a non-monogamous relationship myself at the moment.
Several times on this thread there have been accusations of attack from folks who, it seems to me, are upset because some part of the discussion has revealed that others don't agree with their way of living. So, it seems, that they attempt to justify themselves, seek approval from here or cite times when their way of living has been justified by others.
I don't think that listening to each other means agreeing or that it means avoiding talking about areas of conflict or that it means providing validation for another's way of life. It means talking and listening. Something that the people who write here regularly are very good at.
I've never felt attacked here in spite of coming along fairly often and talking about how I am willing for the moment to be in a romantic relationship only so long as it remains monogamous for both parties. I've talked at length about my concerns about the ethics of practising non-monogamy in a society that is not open to it. I've even talked about my disappointment in finding that non-monogamy seems to be no easier to deal with than monogamy for the participants. And yet I don't feel attacked.
Rather, I find it useful to have somewhere I can write about these things were people understand what it is to have change in life and to work to get through things.
At the moment I'm in a place of some change and a lot of it surrounds re-evaluating the path I thought I might take in life. For many years I was happily single and had a plan to study for a phd and then when I felt like I no longer wanted to be a computer programmer, I thought I might become an academic. I had vague notions while single that it might be nice to find a couple to have a romantic relationship with. I was rather taken with the idea of having partners with lots of support themselves so that I could continue with my own life for the most part and not have a partner who wanted to go everywhere with me.
And now I find these vague dreams crumbling. I now come into contact with lots of people doing phds and others who work as academics. I find that knowing the reality of what they go through, I have no desire to follow them. Their working environment on the whole is one I would find intolerable.
Similarly, I find that my vague dreams of a way to participate in romance without it becoming a large part of my life might entail far more work, effort and emotional wrangling than I would like to put into romantic relationships at this time.
I find myself in a strange place. Dreams I've had for years no longer hold any appeal for me. I find myself regularly angry about it. Not angry with people - just angry that things I thought would be good for me, probably wouldn't be. At the same time I feel much more positively for what I do have. I also feel something of a void. I don't know just now what it is I might work toward, what I want but I am enjoying drifting, taking things as they come and getting involved with things that interest me.
This is a good place to talk about all of that because the people here practise listening. Not agreeing with or validating. Listening.
IP
For some people, at some times, these conditions may include deciding to have sexual relations with only one other person. While imposed borders and overcoding claims of knowledge/power are incomprehensible to nomadic intimacies, negotiated, autonomous, self-organised boundaries are different.
In terms of this discussion, I see this as particularly relevant:
Understanding a relationship in terms of nomadic boundaries evades claims of superiority for particular notions of monogamy, non-monogamy or polyamory and the borders on which they rely. Instead, we might practice and share relational skills, including fundamentally, the dignity of listening to each other
I have said before that I think that the participants of this discussion board on the whole adhere to a practice of listening to each other and avoiding claims of superiority. Without backing off from talking about areas of disagreement.
I very much like the community here and that's why I hang around, read and sometimes write - even though I have no desire to part of a non-monogamous relationship myself at the moment.
Several times on this thread there have been accusations of attack from folks who, it seems to me, are upset because some part of the discussion has revealed that others don't agree with their way of living. So, it seems, that they attempt to justify themselves, seek approval from here or cite times when their way of living has been justified by others.
I don't think that listening to each other means agreeing or that it means avoiding talking about areas of conflict or that it means providing validation for another's way of life. It means talking and listening. Something that the people who write here regularly are very good at.
I've never felt attacked here in spite of coming along fairly often and talking about how I am willing for the moment to be in a romantic relationship only so long as it remains monogamous for both parties. I've talked at length about my concerns about the ethics of practising non-monogamy in a society that is not open to it. I've even talked about my disappointment in finding that non-monogamy seems to be no easier to deal with than monogamy for the participants. And yet I don't feel attacked.
Rather, I find it useful to have somewhere I can write about these things were people understand what it is to have change in life and to work to get through things.
At the moment I'm in a place of some change and a lot of it surrounds re-evaluating the path I thought I might take in life. For many years I was happily single and had a plan to study for a phd and then when I felt like I no longer wanted to be a computer programmer, I thought I might become an academic. I had vague notions while single that it might be nice to find a couple to have a romantic relationship with. I was rather taken with the idea of having partners with lots of support themselves so that I could continue with my own life for the most part and not have a partner who wanted to go everywhere with me.
And now I find these vague dreams crumbling. I now come into contact with lots of people doing phds and others who work as academics. I find that knowing the reality of what they go through, I have no desire to follow them. Their working environment on the whole is one I would find intolerable.
Similarly, I find that my vague dreams of a way to participate in romance without it becoming a large part of my life might entail far more work, effort and emotional wrangling than I would like to put into romantic relationships at this time.
I find myself in a strange place. Dreams I've had for years no longer hold any appeal for me. I find myself regularly angry about it. Not angry with people - just angry that things I thought would be good for me, probably wouldn't be. At the same time I feel much more positively for what I do have. I also feel something of a void. I don't know just now what it is I might work toward, what I want but I am enjoying drifting, taking things as they come and getting involved with things that interest me.
This is a good place to talk about all of that because the people here practise listening. Not agreeing with or validating. Listening.
IP