So, I finally have some time to explain a bit better how I came to this forum. I mean, I’ve already written a summary on my presentation topic but I thought you’d like to know more about me. Or maybe I’m just eager to finally tell someone how I feel about some stuff. Anyhow, buckle up, for this is going to be a long read !
As I said, I am a 24 y.o. female, and I have been in a commited monogamous relationship for a bit more than 3 years. The 2 first years weren’t idyllic since I had to deal with some psychological problems (social anxiety then depression) and that my boyfriend (let’s call him Be) didn’t help me at all. I won’t be explaining the whole thing here, but long story short he has a complicated past and I knew that and could see through the not-helping-you behavior he had. It was rough, it was hell, but we got through and are now very happy.
‘But Zeggplant’ you may ask, ‘why are you on a polyamory forum if you are in a happy mono relationship?’
Well here’s the thing : while I *am* happy with Be, want to build a lifelong relationship and would happily have children (oh, but not now, in a few years maybe!) with him, I have been struggling (and not only with this relationship) with my ability to still fall in love with other people.
I am a daydreamer. For the longest time, I have lived inside my head a lot of adventures that a part of me cannot distinguish from reality – emotionally, I mean. I would live various stories and situations in my head and it would somehow feel like I’ve really lived them. Knowing that, I have never been shocked nor embarrassed by my temporary feelings for other people because I thought they would pass just as my daydreaming does. And for most of them, they did pass.
On the other hand, I am a passionate person… but temporarily, once again. I have short periods of time during which I would be passionate about one subject, one topic… Or one person, as I then saw it.
Sure it was no fun to feel attracted to someone, to know that I could seduce that person and maybe start something… without actually doing it. I’d say I’m addicted to the intensity of the beginning. I think I saw you call it NRE? (okay, I’ll admit, I googled what it meant ^^)
Anyway, again I won’t explain my past in details but at some point I got into a very intense relationship a few years ago, so intense that when it ended he wanted to die and so did I. It took me 6 years to totally get over it, but since that I still crave the intensity, and the only thing that resemble it is the chase, the hunt, the seduction.
Because of all this, I always thought of myself that I was some kind of unnatural monster who couldn’t be satisfied with what she has. I was kind of OK with this and just tried not to act upon my feelings toward other people when they were not my partner. It went pretty well (apart from the weeks of frustration, self-anger and depression caused by me trying to restrain myself) especially since those people that I was attracted to didn’t show any sign of reciprocity. Until Sleepwalker.
As I said, I am a 24 y.o. female, and I have been in a commited monogamous relationship for a bit more than 3 years. The 2 first years weren’t idyllic since I had to deal with some psychological problems (social anxiety then depression) and that my boyfriend (let’s call him Be) didn’t help me at all. I won’t be explaining the whole thing here, but long story short he has a complicated past and I knew that and could see through the not-helping-you behavior he had. It was rough, it was hell, but we got through and are now very happy.
‘But Zeggplant’ you may ask, ‘why are you on a polyamory forum if you are in a happy mono relationship?’
Well here’s the thing : while I *am* happy with Be, want to build a lifelong relationship and would happily have children (oh, but not now, in a few years maybe!) with him, I have been struggling (and not only with this relationship) with my ability to still fall in love with other people.
I am a daydreamer. For the longest time, I have lived inside my head a lot of adventures that a part of me cannot distinguish from reality – emotionally, I mean. I would live various stories and situations in my head and it would somehow feel like I’ve really lived them. Knowing that, I have never been shocked nor embarrassed by my temporary feelings for other people because I thought they would pass just as my daydreaming does. And for most of them, they did pass.
On the other hand, I am a passionate person… but temporarily, once again. I have short periods of time during which I would be passionate about one subject, one topic… Or one person, as I then saw it.
Sure it was no fun to feel attracted to someone, to know that I could seduce that person and maybe start something… without actually doing it. I’d say I’m addicted to the intensity of the beginning. I think I saw you call it NRE? (okay, I’ll admit, I googled what it meant ^^)
Anyway, again I won’t explain my past in details but at some point I got into a very intense relationship a few years ago, so intense that when it ended he wanted to die and so did I. It took me 6 years to totally get over it, but since that I still crave the intensity, and the only thing that resemble it is the chase, the hunt, the seduction.
Because of all this, I always thought of myself that I was some kind of unnatural monster who couldn’t be satisfied with what she has. I was kind of OK with this and just tried not to act upon my feelings toward other people when they were not my partner. It went pretty well (apart from the weeks of frustration, self-anger and depression caused by me trying to restrain myself) especially since those people that I was attracted to didn’t show any sign of reciprocity. Until Sleepwalker.
