Yikes new to this and seeking advice!

[timeloardess]

Hi I am brand new to being poly. I have been married for 10 years to my husband, A, and we have 4 children. We had thought swinging was the lifestyle for us but never actually tried it. We have came close, going out with couples, etc. but we never took it to the next step. So my husband suggested that I should have a male FWB, it would give me the opportunity to build a friendship with someone and then we can also have him in a MFM sex session when he wanted to participate. I went on a few dates but nothing ever panned out.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago a co-worker, T, invited me to see a movie I had wanted to see. Now the first time I met T I was very attracted to him, so much to the point of feeling like I was in high school however, I didn't like this feeling of how strong it was and literally avoided him, which was very difficult since we worked together, but in different divisions. So when he approached me with the idea of getting together I agreed as I figured I have done great in keeping a working distance relationship with him. So, one day me, A, and T go out to dinner and a movie, and for some strange reason I was flirting with him, well this is what he said to me a few days later and asked if me and A were swingers. At that time I told him yes and he told me he was poly (at the time I had my idea of what that meant but really didn't know). I knew he has several girlfriends because I have meet them. I still do not know if I told him "yes" to the outing because I still had a deep crush on him or what.

Since that day the three of us went out we have spent a lot of time outside of work together, me and T. In fact he has been over our house to dinner and has gone out with me and the little ones (I never ever thought I would ever do this but it was a natural step?). During this time he has said things to me that prompt me talking to A about him being our M in a MFM. Of course A's first reaction was um he is all over the place (his conversations were random thoughts he wanted to share when we were together) and also he said he was someone I work with and it might not be the best idea. Well a few hours later A came to me and said you have to make sure you have a plan and communicate clearly whats going to occur with him. I was surprised he came back and said to me to go for it!

So now this is where I need some advice because from different things he has brought up to me, including the fact he was in a "brother-husbands" relationship in the past, I need help with my next step. He is displaying affection to me, we haven't kissed but he has held my hand, massaged my feet (do not ask), and caressed my hair. I feel like there is a natural progression but I am not sure what it is...do I start showing affection first?...do I come out and say I want to pursue a relationship with him? Any advise is great!

 

[opalescent]

Hmmm. I would slow down a bit here. Just from what you wrote, I'm not sure if you and your husband are clear on what you want to offer. You want to see if T would be interested in a relationship with you. Your husband seems ok with an FWB relationship and being part of threesome. But T's mentioning of being in a 'brother-husband' situation and stating he is poly makes me tend to think he may want something more committed/romantic/serious than a FWB relationship. You and A may want to have more conversations about what you want, what he wants before you start discussing things seriously with T.

The thing is, it's impossible to tell feelings what to feel. You can have every intention of keeping things FWB only, non-romantic, no love. And then one or both of you fall in love with someone else. Happens all the time. So the time to get your mind around the possibilities - you and your husband - is now before someone else is involved. Yes, you will not be able to game out all the possibilities, nor should you try. But be aware the feelings don't follow anyone's game plan and rules or boundaries telling people what to feel just don't work. I urge you as you and your husband develop boundaries to keep that in mind.

And, yes, I know this isn't exactly what you asked. Try to be as clear in your own mind as you can on what you want and what you can offer T before speaking with him. Ditto for your husband. (You won't be able to know all the permutations of course - no one knows the future!) And, here's the tricky part, ask and listen to what T wants. He may not want to be the 2nd man in a threesome. He may want to just date you and be friendly with A. Of course, it's impossible to know until you talk with him about it.