Sink or Swim

[Waeric]

I need help. I think the first step for me is to find someone to talk to. So here is my story:

I've been with my gf for about a year and a half. I love her. When we first started dating, she let me know that she needed to be able to have relationships with women. Since I'm not one, I can't offer the same things. I completely understand. In that year and a half it hasn't come up too often. The one boundary I had was I was to be the one male companion in her life, as I should be able to fill any needs in that regard. She agreed. She said that women were the only external partners she needed, and then, only very occasionally.

Fast forward to this December, where things have become an issue. She started working on a play a few months ago, and started getting closer with one of the male cast members. I notice how frequently she mentioning him, and started to internally question things. After the show wrapped, she decided to hang out with him. I intended to question what she was thinking and feeling, and to let her know how I felt. I asked her, and she let me know she'd kissed him. She felt bad. I wasn't sure what to do. However, Christmas was only a few days away, so I wanted to try to keep that fun, at least.

After Christmas, we talked and talked. I have read The Ethical Slut and come to realize it basically describes her. She wants to pursue a relationship with him, but won't if I say not to. However, at this point, I don't feel there is any reason to stop it, since it's gone past a point I was comfortable with, anyhow.

I'm very conflicted at the moment, because I'm jealous of the excitement and feelings she has for someone else. Yet, I realize that it is possible I could have this too. I can't seem to sort out what I need to feel secure, loved or cared for. It's like I'm looking at her over a fence that I just can't figure out how to cross, but am curious about.

I also feel blindsided by this, since we had a boundary one day, and now she is pursuing it today, going on some sort of date with intentions of a sexual encounter. Does it mean it will happen? No. Does it mean the sex bugs me? No. It's the level of excitement she has for someone else.

Help?

 

[Bowvine]

Although I am very inexperienced in poly relationships, I have had an experience similar to yours. I think it is good you are looking into what you are really feeling, and why. Jealousy can be overcome. I know this for a fact, because when I started out with my ex-partner, I was programmed to be a jealous person. It seemed to fade away when I started acknowledging what was really important to me in my relationship, and why I loved the woman I love.

The suggestions I was given by people on this forum were to figure out exactly what I needed to feel loved, respected and secure, and communicate that to my partner, and to communicate with her about my feelings and hers, whether they were comfortable or not.

Read up on New Relationship Energy (NRE). Talk to your partner about it and your feelings around her NRE. I found that my partner was pretty much blinded by her NRE and could not manage to maintain any sort of presence in our relationship. She was always distracted. What would have worked for me is if she could have honored the relationship we had created by being present when she was with me.

All that said, you will find many good reads and suggestions on this site. One suggestion I received was to check out the book "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships." It speaks to a lot of subjects and mentions things that probably might arise in a poly relationship. There are suggestions for what to discuss with your partner.

You're in new territory for yourself here. I would try to figure out what you need to feel secure, loved and respected, then communicate that with your partner in a way that is not possessive, or angry, or in a way that feels like "you owe me this," because those vibes are dealbreakers.

Anyway, this is just a bit of advice from an inexperienced fellow, but I hope some of it is useful to you. Best of luck to you on your new journey.

 

[StitchwitchD]

My ex-husband and I made an agreement to "share." Since I'm bi and he's straight, this meant I could only have female partners who were interested in both of us. However, a few years into our marriage, he mentioned to me that a close male friend had told him, "Dude, your wife is hot. I'd like to bonk her if I got the chance," and that he'd replied, "I'm only into pie-eating contests, not sausage fests." I tried to indicate that I was interested, but he wasn't willing to even consider it, and continued pushing me to look for hot bi babes we could both date.

Over time, I grew closer to this guy friend. We talked about sex a lot, and flirted, but nothing could happen while I was married. I resented that restriction, especially since my ex-h would flirt with girls online in hopes of "getting us a girlfriend," but was jealous of my guy friend, insulted him, etc. The whole experience made it clear that my husband only cared about what would benefit him, and he didn't give a flying rat's ass about my happiness. He saw me as his possession and wanted to control me.

 

[Waeric]

The suggestions I was given by people in this forum were to figure out exactly what I needed to feel loved, respected and secure, and communicate that to my partner, and communicate with her about my feelings and hers, whether they were comfortable or not.

Read up on New Relationship Energy (NRE). Talk to your partner about it and your feelings around her NRE. I found in my relationship that my partner was pretty much blinded by her NRE. She could not manage to maintain any sort of presence in our relationship. She was always distracted. What would have worked for me is if she would have honored the relationship by being present when she was with me.

Thanks, Bowvine. It isn't an easy thing. That's one of the problems I'm having, the idea of what I need to feel loved, respected and secure. I'm trying to sort out why I feel jealous at all. It's frustrating that I can't just let it go. I'm dwelling on it and can't just relax and focus on something else.

We know about NRE. I've requested that she be open and honest with everything that goes on, at least for the first while, so I can get my head on straight.

 

[Waeric]

Over time, I grew closer to the guy friend... but nothing could happen while I was married. I resented that restriction, especially since my ex would flirt with girls online in hopes of "getting us a girlfriend," but then would get jealous of my guy friend, insult him, etc. The whole experience made it clear that my husband only cared about what would benefit him. He didn't give a flying rat's ass about my happiness. He saw me as his possession and wanted to control me.

Once I came to the realization that she couldn't hold to that boundary, and that I was allowed to be with other women, it seemed like an unfair agreement. I wasn't pursuing other women though, which is where the feeling of surprise came in.

I do care about her happiness and don't want to be controlling. However, I'm also concerned about my own happiness.