Poly Isn't For Me/Tired of Sharing My Wife

[SNeacail]

You need to work on your communication skills.

This! How is Si supposed to know you need her to go home unless you tell her? All three of you need to sit down and talk. It doesn't have to be nasty, but it does need to be firm. You need space. Too much togetherness is stressing you out. Be very clear that an invitation for dinner shouldn't automatically be seen as an invitation to stay the night.

Once a week, a group of us goes over to a friend's house. On occasion, she will offer her couch to any who want to stay, but other times, she just flat says "Sorry guys, but I need to kick you all out."

Do not be afraid to ask people to leave your home when you feel the need for space. If you feel the need to soften the request, you could always follow it up with a dinner invitation for few days from now.

It sounds like you actually do like Si's company, just in much smaller doses.

 

[Matt]

So you're ready to go from inviting her to stay for dinner so she doesn't feel like hired help, assuming she'll politely exit stage left, to "nothing gets the message across like the cops showing up"?

You really do need to work on your communication skills... There are more than those two extremes. That's no way to handle this.

I hope you learn and grow from this episode in your life...

No, no, no. Maybe I didn't convey that right. Let me rephrase it. My communication skills aren't lacking or unclear. If she's there, an invitation is extended. Not ever at my insistence. On my end, it's because of Ry wanting her around. She's there. We're cooking, and it's, "Would you like to stay for dinner?" Not one that has to be accepted every time. It's like when someone says, "Hey, if there's anything you need, let me know." Do people mean it every time they say it?

I don't want the cops showing up at my house. That was in a joking sense to lighten the mood. Everything doesn't have to be heavy all the time. Before it reaches that level, she will be banned from the premises. It's heading that way.

The hired help was in reference to her watching the kids until we get home. I should just say, "You did what you came here to do, and you can see your way out. We'll see you when we see you. Good bye." I'd even be a gentleman and open the door and clear the way for her to leave. That might need to be the approach. I'm too nice at times and probably roll over and accept shit when I shouldn't. That's my flaw.

 

[Matt]

This! How is she supposed to know you need her to go home unless you tell her... you need space... Be VERY clear that an invitation for dinner shouldn't automatically be seen as an invitation to stay the night.

Once a week a group of us goes over to a friends house. On occasion she will offer her couch to any who want to stay, but other times, she just flat says "Sorry guys, but I need to kick you all out". Do NOT be afraid to ask people to leave your home when you feel the need for space. If you feel the need to soften the request, you could always follow it up with a dinner invitation for few days from now.

It sounds like you actually do like her company, just is much smaller doses.

I get what you're saying. I don't want an argument, but it's going to happen. It needs to happen. I'm not the argumentative type, but this is the calm before the storm that has been brewing. As of this moment, she isn't aware that I don't want to be part of a poly family, and that if I had my say, she would be cut out of our family and just a friend. My wife knows, but it isn't her place to convey what I feel and think. That's my job. It's not my place or right to say who Ry can and can't be with or to change her lifestyle, but I'm going to tell Si. If we're going to open up the box and be honest, that has to be said.

 

[GalaGirl]

My communication skills aren't lacking or unclear. If she's there, an invitation is extended. Not ever at my insistence. On my end, it's because of my wife wanting her around. She's there. We're cooking, and it's, "Would you like to stay for dinner?" Not one that has to be accepted every time.

If you do not want to risk her staying, do not invite her. Simple. Or if you know she stays each time she is asked, ask less often. You could be more assertive in your communication so you are meeting your own needs first, rather than expecting others to read your mind them from information you provide that is actually not accurate.

It's like when someone says, "Hey, if there's anything you need, let me know." Do people mean it every time they say it?

I do. I am also not vague. I am clear. "Hey, if there's something I can do for you, let me know. I'm good for making a casserole, a chat on the phone, taking you out to lunch to air out, stuff like that." I do not want them to ask me something bigger like "Come take my kids for a month," or "Clean out my garage," or something!

I do not offer unless I am prepared for the other person to take me up on the offer. Otherwise I put myself in a position of having to go, "Well... I offered, but did not mean it, really." I'm also prepared to go, "Okay, I'm willing... but that's a bigger job than I can do. How about a smaller job? Maybe like... lasagna? I make a great lasagna!"

If you do not want to be doing for others, don't offer and create an expectation. It's just a whole lot easier to say something else.

In your case, saying "Want to stay to dinner? But after that, we kinda need alone time" is clearer. Or even don't bother with dinner. "Thanks for the visit! We'll see you again next time!" is much clearer and still polite, if you are done, and want the guests to shoo.

As of this moment, she isn't aware that I don't want to be part of a poly family and that if I had my say, she would be cut out of our family and just a friend. My wife knows, but it isn't her place to convey what I feel and think. That's my job. It's not my place or right to say who she can and can't be with, or to change her lifestyle, but I'm going to tell Si. If we're going to open up the box and be honest, that has to be said.

You did have your say, when you entered into polyshipping with Ry, didn't you? You have your say now, in your "choosing to stay-ness."

Does it need to be said at this time?

You are going to break up with Si yourself. You are cutting her out of your romantic life, making her "just a friend" already to you.

You do not want a divorce. You seem to accept it is not your place or right to say who Ry can and can't be with, or to change her "lifestyle." That's the price of admission right now, to be with Ry. Be willing to pay it. If not, why be there?

Since Si will be still around as your metamour, how does it make life easier for you, if you share the bold above at this time? Is that more for "getting even" than anything else right now? Aren't you already achieving your needs, by breaking up with her and re-establishing home boundaries?

Tread with caution when upset/in a temper.

What you do to Si you do to Ry. You wife is now a package deal. I know you are not crazy about the unbalanced dynamic here, but you could take steps to correct that first; take time to see if the solution is working or not first. Do not spend time looking at the past -- it is PAST. You may wish it were back the old way, but it is not that way today. Deal with what is here, rather than spend too much energy "what-iffing" and creating upset in yourself.

Check out pitfall #8. Choose to be generous with Ry, because you accept the price of admission is this-- being in a polyship. Perhaps reviewing that, all three together, would help highlight to Si her responsibilities in this too. She too could be generous of Ry's time with you alone.

What you say is only part of communication. How and when you say it plays into how well your message will be received too.

I hope the talk is productive.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[Matt]

If you do not want to risk her staying, do not invite her. Simple. Or if you know she stays each time she is asked, ask less often. You could be more assertive in your communication...

Right, right. I take the blame for assuming that she would turn it down. This has gone on. I played my part. I take responsibility. I should have nipped it in the bud when I realized it was becoming a problem. I'm human, and my judgment is sometimes off the mark.

 

[FullofLove1052]

From my POV, I know I was an enabler of sorts. I allowed it to continue even when I felt the tension between them. It's his home as much as mine, and he should have a say as to who can be there and when. It was selfish of me, and I put his comfort second, when it should have been massively important. Within the confines of our home, Si is virtually an outsider. Our home is like my sanctuary and my comfort zone, and I know I'd be peeved if I had to deal with this. He shouldn't have ever had to feel like he wasn't at ease in his own residence. I have apologized for that.

 

[SNeacail]

I don't want an argument, but it's going to happen. It needs to happen. I'm not the argumentative type, but this is the calm before the storm that has been brewing.

Just curious. What is your definition of an argument? I only ask, because my husband and I don't always agree on basic terminology (on more than one word, I discovered) and he says he avoids telling me things because he doesn't want an argument. What he really means is he doesn't want me upset. While upset can also include an argument, it doesn't always. Sometimes it's just crying, sad, hurt, disappointed, etc. In his mind, it all gets lumped into one and labeled "argument."

Obviously, this will be a difficult conversation. There will be hurt feelings, and more than likely misunderstandings. Don't be surprised when Si comes out with, "Why the fuck didn't you say something sooner?"

You might want to do a google search on ways to effectively communicate. Believe me, it can help.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Examples of what I can live with. If I'm working overnight, which isn't unusual, it's cool if she's there with my wife. I know they have their Lifetime movie nights. Saves me from crazy movie central. No issue. She comes over on Sunday's to watch Downton Abbey? Cool. But here's the problem. She doesn't leave that night, or the following morning, or even ask if we mind if she stays longer than expected. It's assumed that it's wanted by both of us. (If asked, the answer would be no from me every time.) She'll leave to go to work or visit her apartment to get clothes, and then she returns like it's her house. We get home around 6 or 7, and when we get there, she's already there. I didn't want to treat her like the hired help and tell her that her services were no longer needed for the evening. Maybe I should have, and this would be under control. As a goodwill gesture, we've asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. I thought it would be understood that after dinner, she could politely exit stage left and enjoy her night at her own apartment. It never panned out that way."

This is something I struggle with as a secondary partner to a woman with a primary partner in almost exactly the ways you're describing here. I babysit a lot. I have a key. We hang out for one reason or another, such as doing a craft thing, or working out together. Then I end up staying for dinner, and then continuing to chill with them afterwards. Exactly the same.

It's often subtly awkward for me because I don't know where the lines are. Am I a welcome guest whose company is valued, or am I intruding? If I excuse myself after dinner on a given night, would they say "Oh, it's a shame she didn't want to hang more, I guess she's tired of our company," or "Phew, glad she knew better than to overstay her welcome"? I can't know. I'm not a mind reader. It often feels like to ask would be to sound insecure.

I think I need to get better at asking, rather than just staying. I usually stay as the default because I like their company so much. It's not like there aren't other things I could be doing -- there are loads of things! -- but I just enjoy being with them. However, that's no excuse to potentially be impinging on their family time beyond what might be wanted. However, as I mentioned, it can be hard to ask! And sometimes I might just not think of it.

Still, while I'm willing to take more responsibility for that, it sounds like Si probably has no idea that she needs to, may even think quite the opposite, if you're always welcoming in words (if not in your heart). Like I said, people aren't mind readers. I'd hope that my gf and her husband would trust my level-headedness enough to know that if they said, "Hey, you're the bee's knees, but we've noticed a pattern in our interactions, where we all hang out all night long, even though the two of us could use more just-us time. Would you be offended if we made a habit of one or both of us checking in with you on whether we're in group hangout mode or couple mode on a more regular basis? Full disclosure, this will almost certainly result in less group hangout time. We know that's a change, but we think it'll result in better quality hangouts when we do hang out."

Clear, direct, honest, no blaming, no guilt. I'd totally respect that, and I'd be grateful to them for saving me from the awkward position of having to guess as to whether or not they wanted me around. Do you think Si wouldn't? Is she not someone whose level headedness you can trust? Why does it necessarily have to be an argument?

 

[kkxvlv]

FullofLove,

I can't help but worry that Si is at home right now, thinking her two partners are having a nice vacation, and she can't wait for you to come home so she can spend time with you both and the children, who she probably also has feelings for, since she's been in their lives since birth. Meanwhile, you're both here talking about how she's no longer welcome.

Does she have any idea this is going on?

Out of curiosity, I looked up your introduction post from only 3 months ago. You mentioned in another post that you are all living together, though she is maintains a residence of her own. It was not clear that cohabitation was a no-no. You said, "Our children have three parents who love them, and they know that."

Now you're saying she is virtually an outsider. What happened? Where does she stand in your life? If she comes over to watch your kids, and she isn't getting paid, she probably didn't come over to serve you and then be shown out. She probably did it because she cares for all of you. She's not the nanny and she isn't a house guest. She's your girlfriend of 12 years, and as far as she knows at the moment, she's in a relationship with your husband, as well.

If you invite her to stay for dinner, you can't blame her for accepting. Obviously the relationship between the two of them didn't work out, and he is irritated by the amount of time she is at the house, but it sounds like he wants her out of the picture all together, and you aren't ruling that out either. You've said you understand the need to respect his space, but also that you prefer to be at home. What options does that leave for your girlfriend?

Imagine the reality check Si is in for when he tells her: "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I can't stand having you around. And Ry, your girlfriend of 12 years, isn't ruling out dumping you for monogamy, as well. Thanks for watching my kids for free, though. Please leave now."

 

[AnnabelMore]

Kkxvlv --

Thank you for laying that all out. I wanted to say it, but didn't have the mental/emotional energy. As someone who is in a position that mirrors Si's, this thread is pretty hard for me to read. Still, I imagine that, like I would, she'd rather have the difficult truth than a pretty lie. I just hope she gets that truth in a way that's kind, and that values her commitment, investment, feelings, and contributions, not a way that treats her as disposable because she's not "primary," not a biological parent, unexpectedly not wanted by one member, and perhaps has been a little obtuse in not knowing when a polite "Please stay" was, in fact, disingenuous.

 

[peabean]

I've read this entire thread, and I just keep thinking that this poor woman is about to be dumped by two incredibly selfish people! She has been dating FullofLove for 12 years, stuck by you through the birth of two children, takes care of your kids for free!!

All this, and now she's an outsider in your home? How is she supposed to know "This is the calm before the storm that has been brewing"? You act like she did something so incredibly wrong, wanting to be around the two people she's dating all the time. I mean, she is actually still dating both of you, to her knowledge!

You seem to have so much hate for her. But how would she magically know you need more alone time, especially when you call her up to watch your kids, or hang out with Ry?

It seems like she was convenient to have around, but now she's worn out her welcome, so it's okay to dump her. How incredibly cruel.

 

[Matt]

I've read this entire thread, and I just keep thinking that this poor woman is about to be dumped by two incredibly selfish people! She has been dating FullofLove for 12 years, stuck by you through the birth of two children, takes care of your kids for free!!

All this, and now she's an outsider in your home? How is she supposed to know "This is the calm before the storm that has been brewing"? You act like she did something so incredibly wrong, wanting to be around the two people she's dating all the time. I mean, she is actually still dating both of you, to her knowledge!

You seem to have so much hate for her. But how would she magically know you need more alone time, especially when you call her up to watch your kids, or hang out with your wife?

Seems like she was convenient to have around, but now she's worn out her welcome, so it's okay to dump her. How incredibly cruel.

Wait a minute. You have it all wrong. Ry isn't dumping Si. I tried the poly thing. It's not for me. When I realized I would never love her, I knew I had to end it. Why should I string her along when I know it's not the lifestyle for me? I can't keep feeling guilty, like I'm cheating on my Ry, to protect Si's feelings.

I don't have any hate for her. I want it to be two of us, me and Ry. If wanting that is wrong, then I'm messed up. I'm owning up to my feelings. I can't control that. I didn't say this is how it better be. I long for that. What are my options? Own my feelings or get a divorce.

I never expected Si to do anything for our kids. She volunteered because she loves them, and has been there since conception. Cruel would be telling her she doesn't need to be in their lives. I would never sever their relationships. They're too young to know what's going on.

 

[YouAreHere]

You want to break up with Si in your tier of the relationship, which is fine. You don't want to limit her relationship with Ry, which is fine.

Take a breath and recoup. Have this talk with her, say that you can't be in a relationship with her anymore, but you don't want to jeopardize what she and Ry have. Take that step first, and then talk with the women about how much time at your house works for you. It's not unreasonable for you to want to be around Si less after breaking up. In fact, it seems like a reasonable outcome of breaking up.

You've had the ability (or the curse?) to think about this ad nauseum, while she has no idea this is coming. Taking it one thing at a time, and letting the "less shared time" be an effect of the breakup may help her feel less like she's getting hit by a truck.

Good luck to you all!

 

[Tonberry]

The hired help was in reference to her watching the kids until we get home. I should just say, "You did what you came here to do, and you can see your way out. We'll see you when we see you. Good bye." I'd even be a gentleman and open the door and clear the way for her to leave. That might need to be the approach. I'm too nice at times and probably roll over and accept shit when I shouldn't. That's my flaw.

You're too nice? Are you kidding me? You're expecting her to behave like the hired help (come and do stuff for you, then leave the second it's done), while at the same time not paying her, and you think you're the one being taken advantage of?

If you want her to leave after she's taken care of the kids, pay her, and at least make it clear you're treating her like a nanny. If you expect her to do it for you because you're family, be family.

This whole story reminds me of the "lady in the store" story. Let me copy-paste it from reddit:

There's a lady in the grocery store who only needs one more item to finish her shopping. She finds the item she needs, but there is someone in the way. "No matter," she thinks, "I'm patient; I'll just wait."
The person in her way is checking out the nutritional labels of the products near the item the lady wants. He picks one up, reads it, and puts it back, then moves on to the next. The lady quietly thinks, "He sure is taking his time, but I'll be patient."
This goes on, and on, the guy picks up one item, looks at it, returns it and sometimes he even compares two at a time completely oblivious to the person waiting on the item. "I hope he finishes soon," the lady thinks.
Eventually the lady blurts out, "Will you hurry up or get out of the way!"
Had the lady said "Excuse me" at the start the event would never have escalated to the point of yelling. The moral here is that even going in with the best of intentions good people can still end up being unreasonably rude.

You're bearing with her, getting more and more frustrated, hoping she'll change. But I see nothing that leads me to believe she has any idea about any of it. So to her, it's going to go directly from "Everything is fine" to "Piss off, we can't take it anymore." And the cruel part is, she's never actually given a chance to change, because she's never told about the problem.

I see zero reason to believe she wouldn't adapt her attitude if she knew what was going on. So right now, you're being frustrated with the way she acts, without giving her any reason to change the way she acts. You even keep inviting her "to be polite." Guess what, when you kick her out without a warning, that won't be polite.

If you want her to show up, watch the kids, and then leave you alone, when you ask her to watch the kids you should say so. "Hey, we need someone to watch the kids, but then we want to be alone. So would you mind coming and watching them, but then going back home after we get back?"

If it sounds unreasonable to you to ask her that (and it should; I can't imagine why anyone would agree to it; maybe once or twice, as a favour, if you guys do favours for her as well, but certainly not on a regular basis), then you should realise it's even more unreasonable when you say "Please stay for dinner," that she'll think "Oh, they only wanted me to watch their kids. They didn't ask me here because I'm the girlfriend and they love me. They want me to piss off because I'm done being their servant for the night."

 

[AnnabelMore]

I think it's also important to realize that, because this has been a poly-fi relationship, this is all she has. Of course she's hanging around all the time, of course she doesn't know when to leave, when for all intents and purposes this is her family. She hadn't had the option to build another one. After the break-up, maybe she can think about finding a primary partner of her own, someone whose bed she's actually allowed to sleep in, and building a home where she's more than an often unwelcome guest.

Matt, your feelings are not inherently wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting to break up with someone or wanting space. You did the right thing by being honest with Ry, and I commend you for planning to break up with Si in person.

Maybe it will be a smooth adjustment to a less time-intensive V, or maybe there'll be a big fight, and then again, maybe this really is untenable. Maybe, in the end, Si won't stay in Ry's life, as would clearly be your preference. It's just awfully sad to watch (albeit secondhand and from a distance) someone who's devoted her time, energy, and fidelity to the two of you and your children be met with resentment in return. (I certainly wouldn't say that you come off like you hate her, but you've been very clear that you resent her presence.)

 

[Tonberry]

I agree with AnnabelMore. I don't think your feelings are inherently wrong. People can grow apart. It happens. I do think though that it's been handled badly.

And I think regardless of what happens with this particular relationship, you need to work on communication. You seem to have issues with confrontation, and the problem with that is that other people aren't mind readers. It's good you told Ry how you felt. But you should have told Si, as well, as soon as there was an issue, and worked through it together.

I don't know if anything is salvageable now, but I'm pretty sure things could have been worked out at the time. Maybe you would have drifted apart, but she would have been made aware of it, so instead of holding tighter, she would have looked for other things to hang on to. It would have been easier for her, and for you two.

So I'm not saying you're not allowed to break up with Si, but please be aware that you are partially responsible for the amount of frustration you've been experiencing. You allowed it to build up until it wasn't sustainable, instead of talking about it from the start and through the whole thing.

I'm well aware that even little things can become frustrating, and anger you, when they have been going on for a while and haven't been getting better. But while it makes sense to be upset if you have been asking Si to go every time and she had insisted to stay every time, the anger you have for her not leaving when she doesn't know you would prefer her to is, in my opinion, mistargeted, and you should take responsibility for letting it happen and hoping other people would change (why would they, for no reason?) rather than asking them to.

I realise that right now you're angry, resentful, and probably likely to lash out a bit at Si, but I would suggest you be as diplomatic as you can. And diplomatic doesn't mean you can't be firm. It doesn't mean saying things you don't mean, like offering something and hoping she'll decline. It means saying, "I want more time alone with my wife" instead of "Get out!"

 

[FullofLove1052]

At one point, we did live together, but it was short-lived. That's how we got back to the point of saying, "No cohabitation." It was one of those things where we had to try it to fully rule it out. Saying something 10 years ago may not fit in the moment or with new dynamics. The triad had formed, and we wanted to try living together. That's what it was. Since then, we have all agreed that it was for the best that we not continue for the time being. Trial and error.

I have always viewed Si as part of our family and an equal. Somewhere between mid-January and the end of February, there was a disconnect and a breakdown of massive proportions between them. Matt doesn't view Si like that anymore. I wasn't in their relationship, so I can't pinpoint what could have triggered or it or started the downfall.

In my heart of hearts, I believe it's resentment that's been eating away at him for an extended amount of time. Resenting the fact that Si's part of me. Resenting the fact that I'm poly. Resenting the fact that he has to "share" me. Resenting the fact that she's part of our children's lives. Resenting the fact that it's 3 and not the societal norm of 2. Resenting the fact that he's part of a poly family. Resenting the fact that he has to include her. Resenting the fact that he has to open up our home to her.

As we all know, resentment can breed feelings of hate, disdain, and utter dislike. That's where I tend to believe it's stemming from. When you contemplate telling someone that you wish they weren't around, and that you intentionally leave them out, it screams resentment. Like I told him, I don't think it's about her being around too much. That's likely a cover for the real issue. I think it's about her being around and in my heart.

Counseling is needed. Resentment is unhealthy, indirect or direct. It's heartbreaking.

 

[SNeacail]

That's likely a cover for the real issue. I think it's about her being around and in my heart.

Having faced similar resentments (not exactly poly related), if I had to guess, it's more about he is feeling neglected by the person he loves the most.

Like I said, I've faced similar resentments in my marriage. I hated his friends; I hated the organizations he was overly involved with; I hated the church; etc. It was taking all of his time and attention, and there was nothing left for me except the crap. His friends knew about things in his life before I did. People were always at my house when I got home, etc.

It hurt. I nearly divorced him over it. In the midst of the hurt, I did want all the outside influences to go away, but also knew that would make him unhappy. We went to counseling and addressed some of the areas that had been sorely neglected.

Things improved. I no longer hate or resent any of the things I did before. Truth is, it had nothing to do the those other things or people. It was that he was neglecting me, and in turn we were neglecting each other. I can now happily tell him to, "Go away. Go play with your friends for a few days."

Counseling is needed. Resentment is unhealthy, indirect or direct. It's heartbreaking.

Most definitely! The sooner the better. Don't let this stuff fester any longer.

I also recommend the books "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work" by John Gottman.

 

[GalaGirl]

So it sounds like you both want to have the conversation with Si in a constructive way. You could do it with a counselor, however you feel it is most useful.

The goals to achieve seem to be --

• Matt breaks up with Si, so she is his metamour only, and not his GF and meta.
• Matt remains married to Ry.
• He learns to speak up and meet his wants, needs and limits himself. No mind reader expectations.
• His polyship partners respect his wants, needs, and limits, once shared, if reasonable. Wanting time to himself in his home with his spouse is reasonable.
• Matt lets go of resentments.

• Ry learns to speak up when she notices things are "off" with her partners, rather than ignoring.
• Ry learns to ask for her wants and needs, and limits updates if they are not disclosed.

• Si learns of limits/boundaries and respects them.

There could be more things. Y'all list them out. To me, it sounds like you could write out your personal standard in this polyship and get the expectations, responsibilities and rights laid out. Address behaviors done/not done and hold each other accountable better. It is ok to make mistakes. People are not perfect. How do you want to move it forward?

With a spirit of what?
Compassion and forgiveness?
Resentment and grr?
Something else?

Yes, you will all feel things. But feelings are not always logical. And in the heat of the moment, one can be tempted to do all sorts of stuff in behavior that is led by illogical feelings. So, keep it on the stuff done/not done-- the actions, the behaviors.

It can't be all "head" all the time-- logic.
It can't be all "heart" all the time-- emotion.
The best decisions are made with the head and heart together.

Figure out how to move this forward. You could apologize to Si for not being more clear in the past about your wants, needs, and limits. Ask her how she would like to be treated from now on in a V-shape thing, now that the triad-shape thing is not a runner, if a V-shape thing is the new plan.

Matt can wish it was a two-person thing, but it is just not that any more. He could digest that and then focus on what you have rather than what you do not have.

You could all focus on how you want to be together now, as you break down the elephant-sized problem into smaller, more manageable bits.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

 

[FullofLove1052]

Welcome home from hell. Counseling session #1 is today.

Thank you, GalaGirl and, well, everyone.

A few shorts hours ago, everything exploded, and it wasn't pretty at all. Matt ended the relationship. Si was understanding and respected that. When she asked if there was anything else, it went from cloudy skies, to an ominous sky with dark clouds and lightning striking. Let's just say Matt bared his soul and every feeling. It went from open honesty to venom being spewed. Matt didn't say anything in a rude way, but he made his feelings clear and known. What was said attributed to her reaction. From that second on, it was no holds barred.

I wanted to stop it, but I don't think it could have been prevented. To see the two people I love going at it like that, I can't even put it into words. In all the years of knowing them, I have never seen those sides come out. I know that when you're upset and when your heart is involved, you may say things out of hurt. That's not what this was. It wasn't an ex-lovers' quarrel.

Quite a few things came from their argument. I hope those things are a result of anger and hot heads. I can't talk to either of them right now. They have to calm down first. I don't do the yelling and screaming. Right now, keeping them apart is important. Si's at her place right now. Matt is with our kids right now. Session #1 is in a couple of hours. They can't talk this one out by themselves. I have no desire to be the referee. With as heated as things were left, it would be the beginning of another argument.

Praying for the best and clarity.