Equal love?

[IndieSolo]

Sometime they end up loving someone more that their existing partner. Is English your second language, or don't you just get it? The few women I have talked to about it agree. Love is not always the same strength.

Okay, this wording was more clear.

I really cannot think of love as something that comes in an amount, like more or less, or a strength. When I love someone, I love them. Period. There is no quantifying of an energy like that, for me. I cannot fathom it. I might know someone better, or share more intimately with someone, but love doesn't fit into a quantity, and I feel like it belittles the feelings one has for someone when we try and categorize love that way.

I've never felt comfortable with the idea of saying "I love you very much," or that some people say, "I love you more than you love me." Love is. The feelings can fade in my memory of a long-ago lover, but the love just is. Equal, or more, or less, doesn't make any sense to me. Love is love.

But I don't know what being a woman has to do with your line of reasoning.

 

[SEcondary]

I don't know what being a woman has to do with your line of reasoning.

If you read my post, I said I relate and talk about women because I am a man, married to a woman. I know what it is like for a man.

 

[IndieSolo]

Okay, then I hope you realize there will be other women who also feel that love cannot be quantified.

I know what it is like for a man.

You know what it is like for you. Though you are a man, you certainly cannot speak for every man out there. Nor can I speak for every woman. My view of love is my own.

The ability, or inability, to see love as something that can be more, less, or equal is not based solely on a person's gender or sex. Other factors also play a part.

 

[Nox]

I've never felt comfortable with the idea of saying "I love you very much" or that some people say "I love you more than you love me." Love is. The feelings can fade in my memory of a long-ago lover, but the love just is. Equal or more or less doesn't make any sense to me. Love is love - but I don't know what being a woman has to do with your line of reasoning.

It's partly because we only have one word for love. We love our pets, we love our children, we love our friends, family. Oh, and we love our lovers.

So we love our lovers very much.

Right now, I need to love me some coffee.

 

[westVan]

IMHO, nope

Love isn't equal, because every relationship is different. They are built on different foundations and require different things. if you try to make them equal, you are not living the relationship, but have made them a competition with each other.

 

[SEcondary]

Love isn't equal, because every relationship is different. They are built on different foundations and require different things. if you try to make them equal, you are not living the relationship but have made them a competition with each other.

Yes. My wife say she loves him as much as she loves me. I think sometimes she loves him more than me, which is good, partly because making love with him is much better that it ever was with me.

When all three of us are together, someone could easily think he was her husband, and have the impression that she loved him more.

I have heard husbands say they don't put a limit on how much their wives love their boyfriends. just so it does not interfere with their marriage. This is how I think it should be, unless the husband is insecure about it.

 

[IndieSolo]

My wife says she loves him as much as she loves me. I think sometimes she loves him more than me, which is good.

So, you refuse to believe her?

Partly because making love with him is much better that it ever was with me.

When all three of us are together, someone could easily think he was her husband and could have the impression that she loved him more.

Ah, so it seems that you imagine "how much" someone is in love is equal to how good the sex is. What about people who don't have sex anymore, but still love each other? Like after Christopher Reeve became paralyzed, he couldn't have sex with his wife Dana anymore, but they still loved each other. Do you think if she had been having sex and enjoying herself with a bf, that she would naturally love her bf more than she loved Chris Reeve?

 

[BoringGuy]

So, you refuse to believe her?

It seems that you imagine "how much" someone is in love to be equal to how good the sex is. What about people who don't have sex anymore, but still love each other? Like after Christopher Reeve became paralyzed, he couldn't have sex with his wife Dana anymore, but they still loved each other. Do you think if she had been having sex and enjoying herself with a bf, that she would naturally love her bf more than she loved Chris Reeve?

It would totally depend on the dick:dick size-ratio factor.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I really wish our language didn't intermingle one word to describe mind-blowing sexual connection and an emotional entanglement.

 

[BoringGuy]

I really wish our language didn't intermingle one word to describe mind-blowing sexual connection and an emotional entanglement.

Which word is that? I can't figure it out. Help me, please.

 

[SEcondary]

So, you refuse to believe her?


Ah, so it seems that you imagine "how much" someone is in love to be equal to how good the sex is. What about people who don't have sex anymore but still love each other? Like after Christopher Reeve became paralyzed, he couldn't have sex with his wife Dana anymore, but they still loved each other. Do you think if she had been having sex and enjoying herself with a bf, that she would naturally love her bf more than she loved Chris Reeve?

No. It also has a lot to do with love and passion and feeling close. When she first fell in love, it did not last long, as he moved. When it came out that she fell in love, she said it has to happen again. Now, she needs more love with someone else, or she feels more love with someone, or needs to be in love with two men. It really doesn't matter. It matters that she has her needs met.

In the beginning, when she saw someone else, it was just about sex. She now needs more with someone else, and I want her to have that.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I really appreciate what you all have said here, especially your long post, Boring Guy (and you're funny).

I was just talking with my boyfriend last night about how my insecurities keep me from feeling secure in "how much" he loves me, or that he loves me despite a much more intense, and much longer connection with his spouse.

I spoke to my own spouse about it, and he replied, "You feel so secure with me, because you're married to me. You come home to me every night, or the next day after an overnight with him. I always answer your calls and make plans with you. You know I'm always there. If we are poly, you need to get over that you don't have that reassurance with him. You can be married to both of us."

Touche, Spouse, touche.

 

[Marcus]

I was just talking with my boyfriend last night about how my insecurities keep me from feeling secure in "how much" he loves me, or that he loves me, despite a much more intense, and much longer connection with his spouse.

There is a big distinction between having these feelings of doubt and insecurity, and letting them inform our decisions. Fortunately, it sounds like you are communicating with a trusted person about it and realizing that the feelings are not strictly rational.

The idea of equality of love is broken. The sooner people learn that, the sooner they can get on with things which actually exist.

 

[SEcondary]

I loved how a woman stated it was with her in another thread: her husband is primary in her life, and her boyfriend is primary in her heart. And I can't find it again.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Marcus, I like your responses. Can you come respond on the thread I made today? lol

 

[IndieSolo]

I loved how a woman stated it was with her in another thread. Her husband is primary in her life, and her boyfriend is primary in her heart. And I can't find it again.

Hmm, but many polyfolk don't connect the word "primary" with "how much" they love someone. When you said you wanted to discuss loving someone "more" or "less" than someone else, were you really referring to a primary/secondary hierarchy?

I can't really relate to either concept. I don't see love as something that comes in amounts, and I don't like or use hierarchies when I love. But the topic is interesting to me.

 

[SEcondary]

Many polyfolk don't connect the word "primary" with "how much" they love someone. When you said you wanted to discuss loving someone "more" or "less" than someone else, were you really referring to a primary/secondary hierarchy?

I can't really relate to either concept. I don't see love as something that comes in amounts, and I don't like or use hierarchies when I love. But the topic is interesting to me.

I relate to it as the primary has more. It is not a choice. It happens naturally. Love can fade. Therefore it is sometimes stronger than at other times. Sometimes love fades in a relationship, and they meet someone new. The love is new, therefore they might love the new person more than their existing partner. I read all the time that some wives don't love their husbands as much as they used to. It happens to men, also.

 

[london]

I relate to it as the primary has more. It is not a choice. It happens naturally. Love can fade. Therefore it is sometimes stronger than at other times. Sometimes love fades in a relationship and they meet someone new. The love is new therefore they might love the new person more than their existing partner. I read all the time that some wives don't love their husbands as much as they used to. It happens to men also.

This seems like monogamous perceptions of love.

 

[SEcondary]

This seems like monogamous perceptions of love.

Can't be. She loves both of us. But please explain.

 

[Vixtoria]

I relate to it as the primary has more. It is not a choice. It happens naturally. Love can fade. Therefore it is sometimes stronger than at other times. Sometimes love fades in a relationship and they meet someone new. The love is new, therefore they might love the new person more than their existing partner. I read all the time that some wives don't love their husbands as much as they used to. It happens to men also.

I think you might be confusing the fading of love to the natural ebb and flow of a long-term relationship. Once you get past the NRE aspect of a relationship, there comes ebb and flow. There are lots of factors there, life being the biggest one.

My primary is my husband. He knows it's not because i love him more. I, like some others, can't quantify love. I love, period. The best I can do is learn to not let myself get carried away to the point of letting myself be a doormat for love. Yet, that's my issue, not love's.

My husband is my primary because we have been together twenty years, have intermingled our lives that long, our plans, our children, our house, our future plans, all intermingled in a way that no other relationship is. Does that mean no other relationship ever will? Who knows? But it would sure take a long time!

Do I at times have more ebb than flow with hubby or bf? Sure, but that doesn't mean I love one more than the other! It typically means that I get to wanting to curl up in their laps, want to jump their bones, or just make sure to spend more time together. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes I'm just tired; they are tired; we are sick, busy; worn out. It's the kids; jobs; life!

Another thing is that you put a lot of emphasis on whether or not she wants one dick more or less than another, and the size of it. You know what works for you, works for you, but that is not how it is for everyone. Who I want more, physically or emotionally, has never had anything to do with whose dick is bigger, or who I enjoy having sex with more than the other, probably because, for me, whom I enjoy having sex with is more dependent on things like NRE, hormones, and other factors, rather than the size of their cock.

(If I want a specific size, I can freakin' buy it. I prefer who's attached to the cock itself. Silly me.)