The Next Level...

S

Squashking

Member
Hey there,

I would like to get some advice from you smart folks in here. I will "try" to make this short :)

First a bit about me. I am 25% of a closed quad. My wife and I live next door to the other couple (which rocks). We have been couple dating each other for a little over a year now but we very close friends (best friends) with each other for much longer. We were all complete newbies and both came into it with very strong monogamous marriages.

Originally it was only about the sex, swapping partners, hot tub parties, etc... but over the last 3 months we have reached a new level where intense feelings and love has developed for everyone. I used to have to deal with jealousy and possessive issues with my wife having sex with another man but that no longer bothers me. Her growing feelings for him is a lot harder to deal with. But heck I am feeling the same thing with his wife so there is the dilemma.

We have spoken about this as a group and we agree that at this stage of our quad relationship it may get a little tough on spouses seeing their partners get emotionally attached to the other person. The rational thinking is awesome when emotions are not present ;-)

So, I am having a hard time with it. In fact I think I am purposely trying to hold my feelings back for my GF because I am literally freaked out about where it could all lead. Over the past year, I have been the one in the group who is easy going, mostly ok with everything... during the ups and downs, each boundary we have taken down or even broken. Now with virtually no boundaries in place for anyone, I am scared to completely open my heart and go all the way emotionally. I fear that it threatens the love I have for my wife. The other three seem to have embraced it but I am still working it out internally.

Lastly, since our relationships with each other has grown so much we find ourselves desperately trying to organize time together. It's like 4 ppl all riding high on NRE. That has gotten to be very difficult because we both have families. Our relationship is a complete secret to both our children and our friends/family. It is growing more and more difficult because I find we sometime have to lie why mommy or daddy are somewhere else atm.

I am looking for some perspective and suggestions. Thanks very much in advance and god bless.

~S
 
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It's not a popular perspective.
But-mine is-I don't lie.
So-when we decided to be poly-it all came rolling out in the form of serious discussion about love and what love is and what it means with the kids (who now range from 6 to 21).

BUT-that alone solved SO MANY PROBLEMS, that I frequently wonder why anyone would even consider doing an open relationship without it.

At any rate-there is no guarantee that opening your heart to another won't negatively alter your current relationship dynamic. Change will happen and it would be good or it could be bad-most of the time-what I see is that whether it is negative or positive depends completely on the ability of the person in teh change choosing positive behavior regardless of emotion. So-is that something you are strong at or weak at? (choosing positive behavior even if it conflicts with your emotion in a moment)

For certain-trying to negotiate calendars AND remain honest while simultaneously keeping these types of dynamics in the closet is impossible.
So you will have to choose your priorities.
 
Thanks for your reply LR.

Well I completely agree. I don't like having to lie either so after a convo with my wife we are going to change our approach with our kids. Its really impossible for us to be "out of the closet" with anyone else for professional reasons. So far we have been able to manage calendars but it is getting more difficult for sure. I also think it will get easier over time when our relationships "normals" again.

To your other point, I "think" I have been strong at choosing positive behaviour. Right now everyone within our group is VERY positive. My relationship with my wife has never been better. I have never been down this road before so each turn is a new experience. When it was just sex it was easier, now its about opening one's heart to deeply loving another partner. It just worries me but I am definitely packed up for journey. :)

BTW... this forum has helped me and my group in countless ways both publicly and privately. I am certain we would not have gotten this far without it.

~S
 
Children

With the children, it gets complicated. I'll say right here, I don't know what the right way to integrate children into a poly lifestyle is, especially if the kids come BEFORE you're truly poly.

I will say that I find it very useful to think of poly families as an extended family, the way it used to be, with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, children, all living together. As trusted members join the group, let the children see them interacting with the family. As they get older, well, you just get a more interesting "talk." And if you're nervous about that, really, what parent isn't? Even the normal monogamous ones.
 
The most momentuous response from our kids was "TMI!" From the teenagers.

Otherwise-they really didn't and don't care as long as they are loved and cared for.
Even our (VERY mono, Episcopal Deacon and her husband) friends kids just don't care.

They see GG as part of the family and identify our home as having 3 adults.

It's interesting-kids are honestly MUCH MUCH more accepting than adults as a rule of thumb. Partly because (imo) they are more self centered. They are focused on how it affects them-and other people's sex lives really don't. Also-they see love as something they want from everyone-so having more people to give it-doesn't bother them either.
 
OP-if you can focus on the positive behavior choices-then the consequences of opening your heart are likely to be minimal.

But-how to do that, I don't know. I've always been open with my love.
Maca (husband) struggles with this. But he doesn't write on here very often. Very very very rarely in fact.
 
I know the debate around children is nothing new here.

Let me separate it in two separate groups: 1) Coming out to your children; 2) Coming out to your close family/friends.

For many reasons including professional ones, we are simply not ready to come out to our family & friends although we have discussed the possibility many times.

Our quad is very close to both groups of families and friends. Each weekend it seems there is a large gathering and everyone enjoys each others company which is really awesome. Our children are very close to everyone as well so if we told the truth to them would we not burden them with information they are not encouraged to discuss? Is it really fair to our kids to have to carry this knowledge just to make us feel better about it?

LR, I think you are right that our kids would probably don't care as much as we think, they may find it a positive and supportive lifestyle. But kids love talking about positive changes with others who are close to them. All it takes is one innocent comment and "boom goes the dynamite". ;-)

It seems to me its all or nothing... I believe that eventually the decision will be made for us whether we want it or not.

~S
 
Overthinking

Squashking said:
Is it really fair to our kids to have to carry this knowledge just to make us feel better about it?
~S
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I think I'm going to have to insert a sigh here. Seriously, you're overthinking this. Tell them this other couple are good friends of yours, and that they might see them around. Guide them into thinking that these people are trusted friends, that they can confide in, when it's something they can't talk to parents about.

Your kids likely don't care or DON'T WANT TO KNOW about your sex life. So, don't tell them that this is your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." When they're older enough to figure it out, they will, and they'll likely appreciate you not involving them in discussions of parental sex, which they're keen to avoid. Don't be one of THOSE parents :) All they need to know is that these people are going to be around and are trustworthy.

If the kids slip to one of your other friends or family members, say, yes, this couple is close to you, and you're glad your kids have an/another aunt/uncle figure to talk with.

Leave the sex part out of it.
 
Addendum

And if you're friends and family find out about this couple and question your relationship, well, pardon my language, but fuck em. Your sex life is none of their business. Just keep repeating that they're good friends. Unless you want it to be, in which case, go for it :)
 
You are free to make choices that expand your future options, abd you are free to make choices that limit your future options. Neither is better or worse than the other, but you are in control of your life. How you choose to exercise that control is well, your choice.

Freedom is scary ain't it? It's a lot safer and less scary to stay on a blazen trail with the other tourists than it is to grab your compass and hike out into the woods with nothing but a pocket-knife and a piece of rope.
 
BoringGuy said:
You are free to make choices that expand your future options, abd you are free to make choices that limit your future options. Neither is better or worse than the other, but you are in control of your life. How you choose to exercise that control is well, your choice.

Freedom is scary ain't it? It's a lot safer and less scary to stay on a blazen trail with the other tourists than it is to grab your compass and hike out into the woods with nothing but a pocket-knife and a piece of rope.
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Wow! Well said...

The past 14 months has been quite a journey but mostly from a personal nature.

We have blazed our trail right from the start, why would we want to jump on the beaten path now? Being true to ourselves is where this whole thing started.

Thank you for your sage advice.

~S
 
Squashking said:
Wow! Well said...

The past 14 months has been quite a journey but mostly from a personal nature.

We have blazed our trail right from the start, why would we want to jump on the beaten path now? Being true to ourselves is where this whole thing started.

Thank you for your sage advice.

~S
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Really? Or did you think i was being condescending? It's hard to tell sometimes.

In no way was i pretending to know something about you that i don't. The things i said apply to myself just as much as they do to you or anyone else.

I never care if what i have to say doesn't resonate with or apply to someone else. I only care when it does, and then only to the extent that it's good for them. There are no Imaginary Internet Points to gain or lose.
 
BoringGuy said:
Really? Or did you think i was being condescending? It's hard to tell sometimes.

In no way was i pretending to know something about you that i don't. The things i said apply to myself just as much as they do to you or anyone else.
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Haha... well, I guess it doesn't much matter to me what your intention was.

I was looking for perspective... and I got just that! So thank you.

I find that this lifestyle makes me continually look around and re-evaluate myself. Most of the time its "Hell Ya" this feels right. Sometimes however its "Oh shit".
 
Squashking said:
I find that this lifestyle makes me continually look around and re-evaluate myself. Most of the time its "Hell Ya" this feels right. Sometimes however its "Oh shit".
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LOL, but isn't that just life, though?

"Hell yeah! Oh shit. Hell yeah! Oh shit. Hell yeah! Oh shit. Hell yeah! Oh shit. Hell yeah! Oh shit." Well, that's my life, anyway. Got good news yesterday and said, "Hell yeah!" Now I'm waiting for the "Oh shit" moment. Nothing to do with polyamory.
 
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Squashking said:
Haha... well, I guess it doesn't much matter to me what your intention was.

I was looking for perspective... and I got just that! So thank you.

I find that this lifestyle makes me continually look around and re-evaluate myself. Most of the time its "Hell Ya" this feels right. Sometimes however its "Oh shit".
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Ok :cool:
 
I concur with not elaborating beyond what they ask.
We love each other, he/she is part of our CHOSEN family, isn't it cool we live at a time when we can choose people we care about even if they arent "really" related.
Then moving on.

I suppose the big issue is in how one chooses to educate kids about family and friends.
My closest friends from highschool remain in my life today, 20+ yrs later. The kids call them uncles/aunts. All different races and lifestyles. Clearly no shared biology-but family is family. I raised my kids on the premise of love and loyalty create bonds-not blood. Maybe because I had step siblings, adopted siblings and foster siblings?
At any rate-that left the idea of chosen family being a common understanding for the kids. Poly followed easily in behind that as did love not being finite.
 
In reference to the kids, here is a different perspective: I was one of those kids whose parents attempted polyamory. When I say attempted, they were bold, but in the long run, the persons they love were not. I am 49 years old, and if you think of the concerns you face in 2013, 1975 was far more restrictive.

Anyway, when I was 12, we had another woman join our family. I knew the relationship included sex, but at 12 didn't have a clear understanding of its significance. I knew I had one more trusted adult to turn and a new little boy that was a part of our lives. As I had no siblings I welcomed his presence. It all felt very secure to me.

Unfortunately, this woman could not withstand the societal pressure. She wanted to feel normal. Nobody blamed her, but her leaving was a huge loss not only for my parents, but me as well.

Trust me when I say that your kids will do well knowing that your other couple is counted as family. That's all they really need to know.
 
Thanks BB.

It's an interesting subject. Ok so here is an observation...

Both families hang out "a lot" together. Every other day for the most part (we're neighbours) and we do virtually everything together. The other couple and their children are already considered family in our home and our lives and vice versa. That designation is used openly even with friends and relatives.

The only thing that is missing is to sit them down and explain that we have an intimate relationship with the other couple. Based on your comments it may not be necessary.

Perhaps what may be the best is to continue to develop that overall feeling of extended family with all the kids which is actually already happening organically.

~S
 
Consider it this way-do you tell your children that you are sexually involved with one another?

For us-it's not secret for sure-the kids know EARLY on that bedtime is 8pm because that is "grown up time" and we make no effort to curtail noises from our room "in case" someone is awake.

BUT-until/unless they ask-we aren't telling them about us having sex either.

The same is true regarding GG.

Our youngest is 6. She doesn't remember a time that she didn't periodically find mommy in GG's room. She knows to check daddy's room (closest to hers) and if I'm not there she can come upstairs and find me in GG's room. When she was younger this was common if a diaper was wet or she woke up first.

I haven't told her "I have sex with daddy and GG". But I have told her I love daddy and GG and they have told her they both love me.

Shrug.

The older kids all know perfectly well what sex is (the next youngest is 13) and that we are sexually involved. They don't care.

But-the kids will identify to someone else that GG is mommy's boyfriend-because they have heard me identify him that way to other people. Between ourselves he's GG.
 
Squashking said:
Thanks BB.

It's an interesting subject. Ok so here is an observation...

Both families hang out "a lot" together. Every other day for the most part (we're neighbours) and we do virtually everything together. The other couple and their children are already considered family in our home and our lives and vice versa. That designation is used openly even with friends and relatives.

The only thing that is missing is to sit them down and explain that we have an intimate relationship with the other couple. Based on your comments it may not be necessary.

Perhaps what may be the best is to continue to develop that overall feeling of extended family with all the kids which is actually already happening organically.

~S
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I don't think it's necessary. They'll figure it out eventually, and if they ask questions, then you can discuss it. However, as long as they feel loved and secure, it is going to be a non-issue. In fact depending on their ages, they may not even understand that your relationship with the other couple is out of the norm. I didn't, not really.
 
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