Trying to figure things out and move forward.

why post?

Because unlike a good three-quarters of the "couple looking for a female" threads started on this site, this one is real as opposed to idiot authors doing a creative writing assignment, students completing extra credit, or some writers brilliant plan to recycle poly-strategy like he's bringing back bell bottom jeans.

Five to ten years ago, the exact same situation and "poly" communities were siding with the couple and the "unicorn" was a cowgirl or cowboy. And just like this fashionable trend, all that's accomplished is people who are having trouble looking for advice end, get bad advice only this time the bad advice is paying for a vacation home for people who don't give a rats ass about the people they are convincing they "know" the relationship from two posts .

And if if what I saying is so far from the truth, then why is it 75% of all "unicorn" posts are the same people writing about situations that they are not going through?

Call me paranoid, it doesn't bother me because it doesn't take a genius to see through the bullshit.

Unlike the majority of posts here, nearly every single one of the actual people who are going through what they describe on this forum were taught to believe other stories that were not true.

Some of people who planted these ideas in their head as advice coming from some "experienced polyamorists" who are in such denial about being completely OK with open relationships and being footloose and fancy-poly free, that they don't even realize that if you can't meet your girlfriend's husband and he refuses to meet you, then they're not really "OK" with the whole non-monogamy thing or at least no where near OK as they seem to believe they are.

The other reason is the advice they give to non-"unicorn hunters" is just as sabotaging as the unicorn hunters advice, but unfortunately the percentage of bullshit fabricated posts isn't nearly as high.

I know everybody has to make living, and I have nothing against entertainment writers and humor columnists, but when people come looking for serious advice and some idiot fucks them over pretending to be someone they are not, that shit's not funny. Not everyone lives in the Pacific Northwest where there are plenty of open minded people and options are not so limited. Not everybody is that lucky and considering that I have NEVER EVER witnessed people be able to make non-monogamy work doing anything even remotely close to the advice that is offered here.

The people that I know who truly have adjusted to being open and allowing their loved ones the freedom to love others can take years of patience. And the ones who are experiencing the joys of the real fruits of the labors and all the positive aspects that loving more than one person can bring to peoples lives takes a hell of lot more patience, understanding, and a lot more work then the advice given here or the websites and links posted.

To be completely honest, rather than follow most of the advice hear people would be happier just not even attempting opening up unless they are going to be honest and willing to do the work.

And a lot of people aren't really willing to do the work, so it's no wonder their relationships bring misery.

I believe that most if not all of the people who transition into non-monogamy with a partner they were previously open with, do not have to end due to irreparable damage being done. And I know this because I was one of them, but I honestly don't give a fuck because those people are not people I would want in my life anyway.

I fully understand how backstabbing, weaselly, immature punk assed people can act, and it isn't just a phenomena exclusive to polyamory or BDSM.

Abusive people are abusive, and they are all so alike with all they justify it's almost humorous. And writers, IT people, and wikipedia editors with esteemed rank all justify a lot of fucked up shit, that is not OK to do people and is classic pathological behavior, which they often discard as "I was only joking"

and it's not that everyone needs to be called on their shit, but if anyone has a problem with actually wanting to help people who are struggling with dealing with transitioning into non-monogamy I don't really care, because I am here to help those who are struggling and I give a fuck about people with social criminal tendencies because I am not friends with them and I don't ever plan to be.

It doesn't bother me if some idiot can debate or is skilled with at publicly embarrassing a person because they are practiced at being the perfect asshole blogger.

if they were so skilled they wouldn't need to be little punks and have their fat little cracker fingers in every electronic storage I have on and offline. There is no need to to mess with people and be subtle to cause drama unless they like drama, and most of them do.

There are lots of real people online who are not like that, and I can help them avoid all the bullshit disingenuous rat bastards who wreak havoc in their lives because they can't handle the same jealousy that everyone else feels, that everyone is trying to do with while assholes playing it cool but inside are ravenous wolves who have to abuse those who cannot defend themselves.

I realize people who play those games are hurting, but I can't make people decide to change, I can help the genuine ones who are willing to do the work and I don't Need to talk shit about real life poly or BDSM communities but I am not going to take shit constantly simply because they read my e-mail or black mail me, fuck that, they can do the worst, what they do is up to them and not me

of course nobody here would understand any of that because this is the forum again and nobody knows what the fuck I am talking about, what a surprise, the people responsible claim they have not a clue, it must be all in my head, what shall I ever do?:(
 
sorry for using your space Wifeto2

But I firmly believe that you, your husband and your ex-girlfriend have not yet done irreparable damage, and from your writing you really are going through what everyone goes through as they learn what work for them to deal with very normal relationship stress, only you guys seem willing to do the work.

You already went through the pain of of letting go, and once you do that you have already cleared THE biggest hurdle, and if your friendships are with the right kind of honest, real people who understand what it's like, know what it takes and are willing to walk with you even though they are going through their own pain, so long as they are honest and do not leave you there to pick up all the pieces of each of your relationship psyche that gets shattered like they all do, it will be worth it.

You don't have to be intimately involved you can be just friends with your girlfriend because that is what's friends do. Including a sexual aspect with your friends should bring you closer -- even if you can't figure out a way to include sex in an emotionally healthy manner -- not make things awkward or the truly idiot poly road of treating people more casually because sex occurred. It's OK to not be able to love people physically, a common mistake people make when dealing with sex with friends is to change shift to a more casual relationship which sends a message of "I have love for you, but not "in love",,, we are just friends" tends to scalp your self-esteem when it's much better to just ask them to be patient with you. It's always easy to understand when you are not the one who is in love, and crucial you can offer your friends that same understanding when they still treat you like friends who care should treat each other. Being honest about can take a lot of patience and reflection for more than a couple of days of weeks, it take patience

Everybody gets emotional, nobody has fun the through the entire transition and if you are, it's usually at the expense of the people you began the journey with, so in a way you are all lucky that nobody got too far leaving one or more to to pick up the shattered monogamous self all by themselves. Again, make sure you didn't go through the hardest part and quit when it was all down hill from there, sometimes it you won't understand unless you commit to seeing each other through as friends

the best thing you can do is check in to make sure your ex-girlfriend doesn't feel like that she was left to pick up the pieces alone, because it is hard to admit when you hurt, and you know what it feels like Wifeto2, sometimes it takes years to before things feel like you are not broken anymore, and just because you aren't going to have a sexual relationship doesn't mean you each have to put yourself back together alone.

Occasionally it's the case that when friends are willing to do loving acts like that, loving but not sexual, sometimes you end up seeing each other in a different light, sometimes love is more powerful than lust, and it doesn't always make logical sense, but you will not be complaining when you understand what I am talking about.

And even if it doesn't happen, if you can help each other to just pick up the pieces and help them hold still long enough to pieces of who you are aren't constantly breaking off again because some of the healing you can't do alone, some of the bonds most people are looking for ONLY HAPPEN after everything id all blown apart and over, but you care enough for one more loving act, and only after that, when you were positive everything was over, the bonds you sought were made without your knowledge, and they will be there regardless of whether or not you continue with anything sort of sexual relationship.

so many people ruin friendships that will never be the same because of the pain left to deal with, and if you can see each other through to the end, you will understand what healed means. And if not, maybe next time if you it sounds like what I say would help you, then next time if you all commit to seeing each other through the healing, which sounds impossible but sometimes it if literally nothing more than making sure they don't need help holding the part of themselves that feels broken long enough so that at least all the pieces are held together, it doesn't mean working things out of holding the pieces til they are fully healed, it just helps each of you understand that they love was real, cause that is what ends up doing the most damage.
 
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Wifeto2 said:
I might not have always enjoyed the comments here but I have appreciated them and am greatful as they have helped me work through my issues and emotions.
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Thanks for this. I appreciate that you understand our intention is only to be helpful and steer you away from the pitfalls and disasters we have seen others fall into many, many times before. Some people think that all the seemingly negative responses about triads and "unicorn hunters" are just criticism or judgments or willful meanspiritedness; that really couldn't be further from the truth. It would be great to see you succeed and gain satisfaction from a poly arrangement! PLUS, the more people who rise above their expectations and make poly work for them, the better it is for everyone who has multiple loves -- then we all won't be such oddities.

Wifeto2 said:
Dh and I are trying to work through any issues the two of us might have.
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Good. I wish you both well in your journey.
 
Excellent point. There seems to be some sort of tacit understanding here that the 'unicorn' is a poor, unwitting and semi-conscious dimwit that hasn't a clue what she wants or what she is getting suckered into. Either that or she is being conned by unscrupulous unicorn-hunters.
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That's what annoys me. Especially when it comes from other women. It sounds so misogynistic. "Pwetty widdle girly got hurt by the big bad man and his mean wifey".
 
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