When poly folks throw a tantrum...

[MeeraReed]

I need to vent for a minute. When a poly person throws a tantrum and demands a partner cancel her date, it affects a lot of other people. Why would someone do this?

My lover-friend (J) of a year-and-a-half met someone new about a month ago. She's been poly for a long time, with two partners of about five years each. She's kinky, which is something J needs (and hasn't had in a while) but doesn't get from me. Last time they had a date, they did kinky stuff, but no intercourse, which is the level she wants to keep things at for a while. I was delighted at how happy / satisfied / glowing J was after his last date with her.

Because she has multiple partners, she is only available in short windows of time. This weekend, J and I both rearranged our schedules so that J could see her during the four-hour time slot she was available on Saturday afternoon. J lives near her, but an hour and a half from me, so scheduling is tricky.

J was originally going to spend the whole weekend with me, including helping my mom with something, and meeting some of my friends for my birthday dinner. (My actual birthday was last weekend, and J and I did something together for that.) I did not mind moving our plans to just Sunday, even though it inconvenienced both me and my mom, and I had to postpone my birthday-with-friends dinner until next month, and I had another friend visiting the area from out of state who was only available Sunday, but I could now not see her at all. No problem-- I am flexible, also very busy, my birthday is not really a big deal, and I need more solitary time than I've been getting lately (plus I had visited the out-of-town friend last month, anyway).

But after all this rearranging, at the last minute, J's date canceled because one of her partners "had a problem with it." Grr, I'm annoyed. Of course, I know nothing about their relationship(s), but seriously, if you are going to throw a tantrum, can't you let your girlfriend have her hot date first??? It was too late for me to re-reschedule my plans for Saturday.

Now J is all mopey because he didn't get his kink on. I'm processing some anger/annoyance that J prioritized his date who flaked out on him. Eh... not really a big deal. I just feel like whining about it.

In retrospect, I should have originally gone ahead with the birthday dinner on Saturday night without J, but part of the point of it was for him to meet my friends. Oh well, another time.

 

[Inyourendo]

I would not put up with that. I'm pretty intolerant of flaky people in general. This situation would rub me the wrong way and I'm not sure if there would be a second chance.

 

[Whisper]

I don't blame you for feeling upset. It's amazing how people who have the ability to love multiple others can sometimes lack foresight at the simplest level. Is it not obvious that a tantrum of this kind will make people less willing to compromise with you in the future?

I'd be disappointed if I were you, but you don't have to sink to a similar level of pettiness to prove your point.

I wish you lots of love and happiness.

 

[Marcus]

Now J is all mopey because he didn't get his kink on. I'm processing some anger/annoyance that J prioritized his date who flaked out on him. Eh... not really a big deal. I just feel like whining about it.

I could see being annoyed because of the negative affect it could have on my partner, but that would be the same as if they had a bad day at work, or got into an argument with a buddy. For IV, she works so much that she gets sleep deprived and overwhelmed, which can affect her mood negatively. I don't get irritated about her job because, well, it's not my job, and she is fully capable of making adjustments if it is making her unhappy.

As far as cancelling my plans for something that never ended up happening: as you noted, it was your choice to cancel your plans, when you could just as easily have followed through with them. Plans fall through for all kinds of reasons, so there's nothing really to be upset about, as far as I can tell.

J's date canceled because one of her partners "had a problem with it."

The motivation is irritating, and it would be descriptive of your partner if they continued to date someone who was under someone else's control. Personally, I would have none of that. But if IV decided she wanted to date someone like that, it would be her call. I would find that odd, and would learn something new about her I hadn't known before, but it wouldn't change much on my end.