Single, poly and having kids

alexi

Member
It is great to be poly. But in reality how does one fulfill the desire for children and their upbringing (all expenses included) particularly when this poly relationship can be fluid by its very character; besides being single? What has been your practical experience or of someone you know who has gone ahead and having dealt with the uncertainty of polyamorous relationships?
Alexi
 
Reality check

It is great to be poly. But in reality how does one fulfill the desire for children and their upbringing (all expenses included)

In all reality, two person (by which I mean two adults) households, raising a family, are no longer really sufficient. You need at least three adults. I mean, sure, it's possible....but less and less so, and it's very hard. Two working parents? You need a nanny. If anything goes wrong, parent loses a job, medical tragedy, house burns down....you need a third income to weather those times.

I've seen this with my own parents...in particular...financially...and with my primary and his family. He doesn't just WANT me; he NEEDS me.
 
I agree, I am a single parent (by choice) but really have strong feelings about raising a child in a poly home, as long as the relationships are healthy and stable of course, the whole family benefits from the additional parents in the home. Unfortunately it hasn't happened yet but I am hopeful :)
 
The uncertainty of a poly relationship makes it very detrimental for having children. This could be a major drawback of polyamory - without atleast a proper economic support system. Am I right?
Alexi
 
What makes you think that all poly relationships are uncertain and not to be counted upon? The stability or "certainty" of ALL relationships, whether poly or mono, depend on the people involved. Monogamous relationships break up, and polyamorous relationships can last. There are plenty of poly people raising children and co-parenting, and totally committed for the long term. It sounds like you've had some bad experiences and are projecting those onto all poly arrangements.
 
Agreed. My marriage of 17 years pooped the bed a couple years back. Having a road map does not equal having certainty.
 
Runic Wolf and I have an 11 year old; my boyfriend Wendigo and his wife Pretty Lady have a 16 year old. Our being poly has not effected the boys' stability in the 4 years that we've been together. Financially the 4 of us have run the gambit from poor, on temporary assistance, near homelessness to employed full time, beginning to pay down debts to mandatory OT for months. We help each other out when we can, but generally we've all been down on our luck at the same time. This was not caused by poly nor helped by poly. . . it was just the economy. Inspite of financial insecurity at times, the boys were fed, clothed, loved, and educated. Wendigo's son has grown from a scrawny kid into a JROTC Cadet who is leaving for college in years time while ours has grown from a child into a pre-teen with all that it entails.
 
20 yrs with GG, 15 yrs with Maca.
Raised 21 yo daughter
17 yo stepson
16 yo godson
13 yo son
6 yo daughter
Had 20 yo sister 1/2 time

I suppose if one CHOOSES to do poly in transient relationships that would pose complications. But if one chooses to have multiple permanent relationships-thats still poly...

Furthermore, all of my exes are still family friends and maintain close ties with my children which has been wonderful for everyone, kids included.
 
I left poly because i was in the case of wanting kids and none of my partners wanted kids. One went as far as to get sterilized during our relationship. I dated mono with someone who was open to poly knowing there was a chance of only being mono. Now flash forward 2 kids later we're poly and happy. it took us a while to get here... and we're happy.

Having kids now i worry about who we expose the kids to, so far they've yet to meet someone we're dating. We don't want to expose them to someone who will be gone in a few months. We've also found some people are turned off from it and are all for poly dating till they find out about the kids and then they head the other way.

Now the way we make it work was we had the kids and paid off all debt so i could be a stay at home mom for them and cut extras... it's still not easy, but we make it work.
 
The uncertainty of a poly relationship makes it very detrimental for having children. This could be a major drawback of polyamory - without atleast a proper economic support system. Am I right?
Alexi

I know mono people who have kids and change their partners like underwear. Murf has been in my life well over a year. My kids' lives close to 8 months. They have gained an additional adult who cares about them in their lives and an extended family who cares about them. Oh yeah that's horrible.
 
Alexi, what does this even mean? :confused: What is a "wide enough poly?"

It's like an obtuse triangle instead of an acute triangle.
 
As poly relationships no longer need be closeted

As as more and more people stand up and speak up for those who are persecuted for having the courage to not slink away and accept wrongful discrimination, people are going to face every bullshit false accusation you could ever imagine.

If you ever find yourself in a position where you face a custody battle, it is crucial that you contact a poly-advocate agency, as they should be able to get you the help you need.

You do not have to roll over and accept bigotry

One thing to keep in mind, is you do not have to answer any questions from idiots who will twist your words and use them against you. You are allowed to maintain a private life, and those are exactly the type of people who you should keep your private life private.

The second thing to remember, is that children are not affected in any way by healthy relationships of the parents. It is the unhealthy relationships that cause problems, and poly does not mean "unhealthy" any more than monogamy means "unhealthy" so do NOT let some idiot bully you into believing such utter bull crap, further more when children of a poly household are negatively affected, it is usually due to the bigoted, hateful behavior exhibited towards the children by those who condemn poly-relationships.

It's the sick bastards who do not approve of polyamory, and make sure to make the children feel uncomfortable about the parents, and that is abusive. If you are out to your children it may be wise to at least teach them to recognize when that may be going on, and to come to you or another trusted adult should they encounter such behavior

It is the people's attitude and treatment of those who practice polyamory, not polyamory itself that kids have a hard time with. It took a long time for family psychologists to realize this, but it is fact. The entire time bigots and so-called advocates who were so worried about a childs well being when growing up in a household with same sex parents, while it was those very people's behavior that was doing the actual damage to the kids

unless the children witness physical violence, or any occurrence that is known to negatively affect a child in traditional male/female parent households, polyamory has no negative affect on children.

if anything, the affects are positive due to all the reasons mentioned by others in this thread. You would be amazed at the positive affect that simply sharing the stress of parenting, and that weight be carried by three or more as opposed to one or two adults.

anybody who tells you it isn't a good environment is ignorant
 
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Of course, if you don't have kids, you don't have to deal with any of that. Plus you can leave your butt plugs in the dishwasher any time, day or night.
 
meanwhile the lest of the people

can be working on ensuring that the world doesn't bow down to some old traditional relationship model, enforcing monogamy or else paying the price of losing your job and being persecuted, so that people don't have to be afraid to be out

which if you are honest about it, not being able to recognize partners other than one person at a time has played a serious role in relationships not working out because it can easily make a person feel neglected, but your right some people can use it as an excuse to decidedly neglect their partners, as in every demographic there will always be good and bad people.

Plus while others are doing important work, you could spent your time ensuring that people stick to the pre-planned vocabulary so that it eventually catches on, even though your not worried about it, nor care, really. As that would be more productive than snide remarks regarding the important issues
 
20 yrs with GG, 15 yrs with Maca.
Raised 21 yo daughter
17 yo stepson
16 yo godson
13 yo son
6 yo daughter
Had 20 yo sister 1/2 time

I suppose if one CHOOSES to do poly in transient relationships that would pose complications. But if one chooses to have multiple permanent relationships-thats still poly...

Furthermore, all of my exes are still family friends and maintain close ties with my children which has been wonderful for everyone, kids included.

In my fantasy world, my wife and I purchase a home with the woman I consider my best friend who wants desperately to have children but can't seem to find the right man. Anyway, I and this other woman have children together and the three of us share the responsibility of raising them. My wife, that prefers to stay home but loves kids would be the primary care giver while I and the biological mother would provide for everyone financially.

Unfortunately for me, neither agree with polyamory and I'm getting too damn old anyway. Only regret I've had is not having children so I'm forced to live in a fantasy world. My wife can't have children without stopping her seizure medication, which she was willing to do at the age of 36 but I chose her life over any children we may have had.

Just wish the two would join my fantasy world. ...I'll survive though.
 
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