Dealing with Envy

S

skittleskittens

New member
Hi there everybody.

I've been in my first polyamorous relationship for about three months now and lately I've been feeling very envious of his other girlfriend especially when we're all in the same place at the same time.

When I first started dating my BF she made a rule that we couldn't be couply when she was around because it made her uncomfortable, however, they can still be couply when I'm around.

I was finding this extremely difficult to deal with. My BF has been really great in trying to tone down being overly couply with her. (I knew them before I started dating my BF and they were extremely couply.) But I'm still getting extremely envious when I see them interact and be together when I'm around because I feel like I can't have the same thing with him.

Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?
 
skittleskittens said:
Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?
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No; but I know some useful coping strategies when dealing with shitheadery:

Say No to Shitheadery.
 
Actually point out to them that if you had a relationship where you were all considered equals, they too, would refrain from being couply in front of you. This will prompt a discussion where one of both of them will admit that you are of less importance than them and their relationship. It's up to you what you do with that news. They might admit it, say how wrong it is and try and fix it.
 
What they said.

Your relationship with your BF is just that-- your relationship. If you also want public validation of your relationship, talk about it. Tell them that this rule is not working for you, and renegotiate. Maybe an interim solution (until you're all comfortable with it) is to not all hang out together, unless nobody displays affection. Why put yourself in a position that makes you upset or uncomfortable?
 
skittleskittens said:
Does anyone know of any useful coping strategies when dealing with envy?
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There are two problems going on here which are not related.

1. They get to be affectionate and you don't​
2. You are viewing your relationship through comparing it to some other relationship​

As far as her rules about what you can and can't do with your boyfriend, I suggest the following response: "I get that you are insecure, and putting rules on how my relationship functions might have seemed like a good idea when you thought of it, but I will take care of how I relate to people, and you do the same for yourself. I'm going to sit on my boyfriend's lap now, because that's what I feel like doing."

Viewing relationships by comparing them to someone else's relationship, or weighing it by what you are "not getting" is fundamentally flawed. I suggest adjusting your view to "What do I like about my relationship?" and "Is this bringing me joy?" etc. Even if there wasn't a possessive other girlfriend scenario, the "no fair" approach to relating is for kids. Focus on what you are getting.
 
A) No group hanging out until boundaries are renegotiated to something reasonably equivalent.
B) Don't compare one relationship to another.
C) Don't be a doormat for someone else's ego.
 
Dealing with envy myself

I don't really have an answer, but I feel your pain and frustration. I hope you get a resolution to your problem. Just know that you are not alone. I am dealing with a bout of envy and jealousy myself.

My husband of 13 years and I work strange schedules that aren't really compatible for us, but allow us to have the children stay out of the daycare system.

We have started a fairly new (almost 2-month's duration) relationship with a wonderful women. Initially this was to become a triad, of the three of us, not necessarily all together all the time, but mixing and matching. She and I have been on several dates, and have spent time with my husband, as well. I guess where I am having the most difficulty is while I am at work in the evenings they spend so much time together. Pretty much every night. Usually they just watch TV or eat dinner and spend time with the children. But I am insanely envious of this. She sees my husband more than I do.

The other part of my envy stems from the fact that things have not gone to the next level yet between her and me, or for the three of us. My husband and I are very open and honest and have told her from day one that we have no secrets. It's how we deal with our life. So I know they have been intimate, and I have no qualms about that. I want them both to be happy.

But I am feeling neglected. I know jealousy is a control issue and causes very irrational behavior, especially because I am the one that pushed for a poly relationship years ago. I should know better. But my pride is hurt and I'm not sure where to go. It's gotten so bad that I actually have delusions of of her "cowgirling" my relationship. When we are all three together that feeling is gone. It's only when I'm alone. What is happening to me? I feel so irrational all of a sudden.
 
Scottysgirl, for your situation, I would suggest increasing communication with her throughout the day. Texts, emails, whatever. It sounds like you are just struggling with wanting to be more involved where work schedules don't allow-- not really issues in the relationship dynamic itself.

The wacko schedules I totally understand. We are down to two kids at home now, but at one point we had six in the house. My husband Maca works days, from 6am-4pm. My bf GG is gone from 1pm-midnight or so. My schedule changes every semester for school. Each of us has felt left out at some point or another in terms of time with the family. (We aren't a triad, we are a V). The best help has been keeping in touch by text and email.
 
LovingRadiance said:
Scottysgirl, for your situation, I would suggest increasing communication with her throughout the day. Texts, emails, whatever. It sounds like you are just struggling with wanting to be more involved where work schedules don't allow-not really issues in the relationship dynamic itself.

The wacko schedules I totally understand. We are down to two kids at home now, but at one point we had six in the house. Maca [is] gone from 6am-4pm and GG from 1pm-midnight. My schedule changes every semester for school. Each of us has felt left out at some point or another in terms of time with the family. The best help has been keeping in touch by text and email.
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Thank you for the insight. Holy cow, I complain about my schedule! I give you praise for being able to do all you do with six children! Wow. I know I just need to calm down, and just go with the flow. I'm an over-analytical Libra...:rolleyes:

But I am so happy I have found such good people here that have my same beliefs. Thank you.
 
It is much easier with 4 out of the house. ;) But we all have emotions. The key is figuring out how we can manage them without pressing someone else into changing who they are for us.
 
I gather you work evenings. Something to consider as well is your energy level. When my energy level drops, I am less able to cope with everything. The thing of it is, if I fail to realize the creeping tiredness, or slight but ever-present chronic tiredness that some shifts bring, then I will damn well find a reason why I feel upset, when really all I am is tired or under-powered.

Since you feel okay when it is the three of you, I am guessing you are getting energy from the group dynamic. More energy-- problem solved! But if you work a shift that is more stressful to you, and work, regardless of whether we like or not, requires your personal resources, of course you'd rather be home with the people who love you. :)

Hell, I have even volunteered to work shifts for people who had a family emergency, and still found myself yearning for home, even though I had volunteered!

So I am guessing the core issue is that you wish you were home, and has little to do with the relationship dynamic between the three of you, which sounds pretty healthy.
 
Thank you for the replies so far. They have been very helpful.

I've considered taking myself out of situations where we will all be in the same place, however I feel like that will begin to impact other parts of my life. We're all in the same friendship circle, so removing myself will likely lead to me to not seeing other friends as often and also giving up one of my hobbies (which is where I generally end up seeing my friends and my BF and his other girlfriend). I am also semi-friends with his other partner as well. I am still considering it, but I think I would prefer to leave it as a last resort.

I'm trying really hard to not compare my relationship with my BF with his other relationship, and in a sense it is working. There was a bunch of things a couple of months ago that I had to work through that all came down to comparison.

But I'm still really new to poly relationships. This is my first one.

Does anyone else have any tips for adjusting from a monogamous type of thinking to a polyamorous one?
 
skittleskittens said:
I've considered taking myself out of situations where we will all be in the same place. However, I feel like that will begin to impact other parts of my life. We're all in the same friendship circle so removing myself will likely lead to me to not seeing other friends as often and also giving up one of my hobbies (which is where I generally end up seeing my friends and my BF and his other girlfriend). I am also semi-friends with his other partner. I am still considering it, but I think I would prefer to leave it as a last resort.

I'm trying really hard to not compare my relationship with my BF with his other relationship and in a sense it is working. There was a bunch of things a couple of months ago that I had to work through that all came down to comparison. But I'm still really new to poly relationships... Does anyone else have any tips for adjusting from a monogamous type of thinking to a polyamorous one?
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Do you understand that they are treating you as "less than" them? This isn't you. Not many poly people would put up to the restrictions she has imposed. She is the one practicing "bad poly" here, and he is enabling her. It's you that needs to believe that you are of the same importance as them, particularly her, and therefore need to be treated as such.
 
And my apologies - my response was directed towards xxscottysgirlxx; not skittlekitten. I should have quoted. Moved yesterday, and was very tired.
 
Skittleskittens, I agree with bookbug (even though the reply was directed elsewhere - oops!). Figure out what you want/need in your relationship with your BF and ask for it. Don't just accept that you "can't have it" because she says so.

I'm mono. This is my first poly relationship. We've been together around 2 years now. I was codependent as hell after getting out of my marriage, but even then, I wanted a *relationship*. Not scraps. Not asking my metamour permission to go out with P. Not getting squeezed in once a month. So I talked with my partner and metamour and asked where I fit in. If I had some arbitrary limit as to how close I could be or how far my relationship with P could go, it would have never have become a relationship.

Granted, I still had some transitional nightmares, but I needed to know that P and I had our own relationship, on its own merits, not one where I'd be beholden to the good graces of my metamour.

Your needs aren't being met, and you're believing you're in the wrong, when you're not. It's not wrong to have needs and wants in a relationship. Talk to your BF and give him an opportunity to step up. Hopefully, your metamour will be helpful as well.

In the meantime, maybe you can work on what can be done when you all go out together. I wouldn't give up time with my friends, either. Talk about it and see if you can come to an agreement. Good luck!
 
bookbug said:
I gather you work evenings. Something to consider as well is your energy level. When my energy level drops, I am less able to cope with everything. The thing of it is, if I fail to realize the creeping tiredness, or slight but ever-present chronic tiredness that some shifts bring, then I will damn well find a reason why I feel upset, when really all I am is tired or under-powered.

Since you feel okay when it is the three of you, I am guessing you are getting energy from the group dynamic. More energy-- problem solved! But if you work a shift that is more stressful to you, and work, regardless of whether we like or not, requires your personal resources, of course you'd rather be home with the people who love you. :)



So I am guessing the core issue is that you wish you were home, and has little to do with the relationship dynamic between the three of you, which sounds pretty healthy.
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I do work evenings and is it hard. I have a varying shift so I can work as early as 3:30-11:30pm, 6-2am, or 11:30-7:30am. My job is also very stressful as I work in corrections. I actually think you are right about the energy. I do yearn to be home. It is all I can think about some days. Some days are better than others when it comes to my issues, but it is helpful to know I am not alone and to gain perspective on things, so for that I thank you.

Skittleskittens, as we are going through the same issues and we are both new members, I wanted to let you know that you can PM me if you ever need to vent or just chat. I think all the support you can get is best.

Much love.
 
My best suggestion for changing your perspective is to read, converse and immerse yourself in poly info. Seriously, like learning a new language is easiest with immersion. That said, it's important that the boundaries be reasonable and feasible, not treating one party (or more) as if they weren't as valuable as another. Those types of boundaries create nightmares over time.
 
xxscottysgirlxx said:
I do work evenings and is it hard. I have a varying shift so I can work as early as 3:30-11:30pm, 6-2am, or 11:30-7:30am. My job is also very stressful as I work in corrections. I actually think you are right about the energy. I do yearn to be home. It is all I can think about some days. Some days are better than others when it comes to my issues, but it is helpful to know I am not alone and to gain perspective on things, so for that I than you.

Much love.
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The shifts you are describing would be taxing under ideal conditions. While my circumstances are different than yours - the relationship with my SO came out of a failed triad, lots of emotional trauma to heal from, he is now going through a divorce, most of his focus is on his kids - which it should be - and we live in different towns - low energy levels make it far more difficult for me to cope with distance, and the lack of communication that can occur when his external environment becomes overly demanding. When I start to feel those twinges of anxiety, instead of letting myself wander down the path to hell, I logically tell myself that the reality is that I am tired, and that is all. Then I tell myself all the great things about the relationship.

For example, I moved this week. I am exhausted. I miss him. He is on call this week, and unable to communicate much. (Perfect storm, right?) And yet, Tuesday when I closed on my condo, my SO made the trip down in the middle of his work day after working 18 hours the day before, and surprised me with champagne. I focus on that rather than the fact we have had no time to communicate much since.

So yes, pay attention to your energy levels, and recognize that is the issue. Don't make it into a bigger issue than it is. I know it is very easy to do.
 
I've talked to my BF and let him know that I'm definitely struggling with this 'rule'. He's trying to be as supportive as possible and says that he'll try and tone it down with her as much as possible but the only way things would drastically change is if he broke up with her (which I definitely don't want him to do).

I have a suspicion that he's thinking that because his other girlfriend is very stubborn and once she has an idea won't back down from it that talking to her will achieve nothing and if anything make the situation worse (I've known her for several years and know that she is definitely like this).

Scottysgirl - thank you for the offer. :)
 
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