Amused

[Flowerchild]

I find so many people on here that post the following, I am a woman interested in polyandry with two husbands (or switch the genders around).

Hmmmm, you are a woman who wants to be loved, adored, and cared for by two men, like Paint Your Wagon? No kidding Or the other way, with a man wanting two women.

There are, of course, no references to the two partners of the same gender having other partners of their own, or, if there is, the OP says he or she would be okay with it, but probably would have some jealousies to work through.

Somehow the downsides to it (you being the one to care for two partners that are constantly wanting your time/energy; if you're a guy, dealing with TWO women on their periods, double the hormones and still no sex; pressures of relationship doubled on you) never comes up in these posts. It's all just extra attention, a second partner to help with the housework, and extra incomes.

 

[Flear]

i look at those challenges with enthusiasm, i could stay in my safe little bubble and think everything is nice and rosy, but i know having 2 women in my life is going to push me beyond the comfy easy life of only one other person to get along with.

i fully expect it to be like 4x as hard, .. not looking forward to the difficulty, i'm looking forward to the challenge.

i also expect it to be more rewarding, ... kinda like a mountain climber, you can play it safe, walk over a few hills and say "yay", but no one really cares, ... or you could go for the gold and look at Mt Everest and if you can complete that challenge, rise to the top and overcome it, well you've really accomplished something, ... and you know in your heart you did exceptionally well

so if i expect it's going to be more difficult, i also expect it's going to be more rewarding.

sure, back to the mountaineer, the hills, no challenge, if i slip, maybe i fall, likely not. if i'm looking at a tall mountain, there's more to loose, than just a twisted ankle

are there downsides, ... yes, ... are there downsides to having a relationship, yes, ... i'm sure everyone here could look at their lives and go "you know i had more cash when it was just me" (i know i do), and there isn't a day that goes by where i ever think "you know i'll give up this wonderful lady so i can have more cash in my pocket"

who walks into any relationship and says "well having a relationship is going to cost me 20% of my income", ... no one says "i'm going to loose parts of my freedom from being a single bachelor", no one says those things, ... most people know them, but we know it's foolish to focus on those negatives, ... if i lived my life with all those negatives, ... i could find a bridge and end it all ... that would be easier.

but not more rewarding, it wouldn't warm my heart, it wouldn't bring me to new levels of knowing what i'm capable of doing.

---

and my partner (and a new one that is just starting), ...

well my lady is seeing other guys, it's not that i encouraged her to see guys, i encouraged her to be herself, to be happy, ... it's who she is so she's not restricted pretending to be someone else

the new lady has also brought up these concerns, for now she's just seeking one man & one woman, ... and she was a little concerned about "what if down the road she opens up and wants more in her life than just me and my lady"

i know what i want, what i want is what i want, that does not mean those in my life have to live by my standards, they get to be themselves, to be comfortable being themselves, to be happy, to find the same happiness that i seek.

this does not mean their happiness is going to be found the same way i am finding my happiness.

---

so i don't think about the negatives, i'm not into S&M, they don't appeal to me, so it's not what i'm after, but i know there are going to be challenges, and i seek to overcome those, and that i will think of as a positive.

i don't think about i'm finding others who would be exclusive to just me, because i'm not in charge of their lives, ... i want to be in their lives, but i've got my own interests that don't include micromanaging the lives of people i care about.

 

[Flear]

that was not supposed to sound harsh, ... my head is a bit distracted

 

[Marcus]

Somehow the downsides to it (you being the one to care for two partners that are constantly wanting your time/energy; if you're a guy, dealing with TWO women on their periods, double the hormones and still no sex; pressures of relationship doubled on you) never comes up in these posts. It's all just extra attention, a second partner to help with the housework, and extra incomes.

I'm guessing you are talking about the new posters who come on discussing the theory of multiple partners and are romanticizing what their lives will be like. I think it's good to be positive about making a desired change in ones life. It is true enough to say that not everyone who is considering that kind of major shift in relating romantically is being fully realistic about what is involved. Maybe it's kind of an NRE regarding a new ideology?

However, multiple loves isn't any more work than having a single lover - it's just a different set of challenges. Every decision we make comes with a cost and is compared to our willingness to pay it. I like living alone, it affords me peace and simplicity which isn't usually available to me when I live with someone; it also can be lonely at times and is always more expensive. Living with roommates, on the other hand, saves me money and I have easier access to social gratification; but now I have to deal with someone elses habits, noise level, cleanliness, and being alone can be more challenging.

It's the same with having multiple partners. You might find some things more difficult but there are things which were previously challenges that drop off of the list.

 

[Inyourendo]

I guess it all depends on the type of partner you choose. N would not put up with mind games, drama or women using PMS as an excuse to act like a bitch. Also some men like dirty period sex so that's not a problem

If you're someone who us willing to deal with bullshit and someone high maintenance I can see how having 2 partners would be more work.

 

[Flear]

I guess it all depends on the type of partner you choose. N would not put up with mind games, drama or women using PMS as an excuse to act like a bitch. Also some men like dirty period sex so that's not a problem

If you're someone who us willing to deal with bullshit and someone high maintenance I can see how having 2 partners would be more work.

it's not "like" dirty period sex, ... it's "if it's not an issue for me, and it's not an issue for you, we have a shower to clean up with afterwards", ... just because your having your time of the month doesn't mean your sex drive died.

 

[Vixtoria]

Actually, while a lot of new people coming in seem to want the holy grail of a triad situation, if you actually look around, you'll see many people in Vs, or N's, or W's. Or other configurations that letters just can not work out! I've seen quite a few where they may have two loves, but one or both of their loves have other loves as well.

 

[Flear]

sure there are other letters that show how it would all fit, ... chinese

 

[IndieSolo]

Flowerchild, I don't understand the point of your post.

 

[Flowerchild]

Point?

My point in this post was to hopefully discourage innocents from jumping feet first into this kind of thing. Being poly, opening yourself up to the possibility of expanding your family, allowing for the chance your husband/girlfriend/SO could fall in love with another just as deeply as with you.....it's not an easy commitment to make, and I see so many people on here who seem to think it's just all about them getting to love whoever they want (and it is, but.....it's not that simple).

 

[Vixtoria]

You seem to have the idea that ONE person is seeing TWO people and those two are not seeing anyone else is the majority of poly, or the 'norm' and it really isn't. I don't know if this is just because of, reading your posts, what you take from poly and from your partner.

If you read more around here, you see that:

a) There are, again, many configurations.

b) No one here thinks it's as 'simple' as getting to love who they want.

c) If anything most people post here about the DIFFICULTIES in loving more than one person and making it work.


I think, just my opinion, you need to have this conversation with your partner. You seem over and over to have issues with how he handles things and so you come here for feedback, and support, and to kind of complain about how poly people seem to do things. Not understanding that it's not 'poly people' but your partner that is doing these things.

Sorry, but I'm honestly slightly insulted that you keep making posts about what 'poly people' assume when they get into this. I'm still rather a newbie, only 6 years and I work my ASS off. Yes, right now I have two partners, a husband and a boyfriend, yes right now neither of them has another partner. No, that's not by my choosing, no it doesn't make things EASIER. Hell right now I'm going through major issues and pain and am doing so alone because I don't have two partners so one is always at my beck and call. I have them because I care about them and I DO understand they are individuals with their own needs so while they are busy dealing with their own issues they can not be helping me.

Six years and I'm a newbie and I know better than to think this lump of 'innocents' or 'poly people' you keep using is no where near the majority or the norm.

 

[Flowerchild]

Many configurations

Yes, there are many configurations....of people in ACTUAL relationships....such as yourselves. It is the people who say they are new, open to the idea, exploring, that frustrate me. You needn't be so defensive.

Yours is exactly the situation I meant, double the partners (who for whatever reason are not seeing others) doubles the pressures, the responsibilities on YOU, because you have to provide for two, while they only have to provide for half of YOUR needs.

 

[Flowerchild]

Missed my point

Yes, right now I have two partners, a husband and a boyfriend, yes right now neither of them has another partner. No, that's not by my choosing, no it doesn't make things EASIER.

Uh, that was exactly my point. It makes things HARDER. Some people just assume (when they are looking at it, not experiencing it) that it must just be super easy.

 

[sillygirl]

sure there are other letters that show how it would all fit, ... chinese

That's kind of where I'm at. Hahaha!

 

[Aery]

I find so many people on here that post the following, I am a woman interested in polyandry with two husbands (or switch the genders around).

Hmmmm, you are a woman who wants to be loved, adored, and cared for by two men, like Paint Your Wagon? No kidding Or the other way, with a man wanting two women.

There are, of course, no references to the two partners of the same gender having other partners of their own, or, if there is, the OP says he or she would be okay with it, but probably would have some jealousies to work through.

Somehow the downsides to it (you being the one to care for two partners that are constantly wanting your time/energy; if you're a guy, dealing with TWO women on their periods, double the hormones and still no sex; pressures of relationship doubled on you) never comes up in these posts. It's all just extra attention, a second partner to help with the housework, and extra incomes.

Housework help won me over...

Really... I want to take this seriously... First, I get little idea from your post just what you are on about... I get that you seem pissed-off about "most people's" notions @ Poly. I suppose I might even agree at times, as having had to go through varii blarney. Yes, there's always enough people fail to ever read/follow the instructions. But what's got your goat?

Vixtoria's point about taking this discussion to the source in your situational agitation... Was that of any value to you? What did you hope to have happen through generalizing a projection on "most people"?

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . while they only have to provide for half of YOUR needs.

In my world, nobody provides half of what I "need." if I had four lovers, would they only be responsible for 1/4 of what I need from being in relationship with them? That's nonsense. Each person gives 100% of what I need from them, and is 100% responsible for their part in the relationship.

It's not like splitting a phone bill, it's about actually relating with people.

 

[Flowerchild]

Assumptions

First off, I never said "most people."

Secondly, everyone commenting seems to be taking this personally against their own arrangement. NYCindie, for example, wants each person to put in 100% into the relationship, while she puts 100% back. That's fine, but if she were in a committed relationship with three other people solely committed to her, and no one else, and she ASKED them to be committed just to her, it's not really fair to expect each of them to contribute as much to her as to others.

My point is that can get overwhelming. It's balancing time management and jealousies. If you can handle it, then poly is for you. If not, I can't imagine things not being problematic.

 

[YouAreHere]

double the partners (who for whatever reason are not seeing others) doubles the pressures, the responsibilities on YOU, because you have to provide for two, while they only have to provide for half of YOUR needs.

I agree that P, as the pivot in my relationship, has his work cut out for him. The logistics alone are a nightmare, not to mention remembering which relationship pieces go where in the puzzle. I've felt guilty for this in the past, and I've had to remind myself (and he continues to remind me as well) that it's his choice. Still, the gas bill really sucks sometimes.

However, I don't feel like I'm only providing half his needs, and I think if I asked him, he'd think that was preposterous.

I provide my end of what OUR relationship needs. Which is different from what his relationship with M1 or M2 needs. And if I don't provide 100% of that, then OUR relationship is lacking. It's not "one" relationship for him, where he's getting pieces from here and from there. He's got three relationships going on, each with its own needs and issues (some more demanding than others). Each one of those has to have its needs met, or that relationship can fail.

 

[Flowerchild]

Explanation (and thanks for understanding me!)

I agree that P, as the pivot in my relationship, has his work cut out for him. The logistics alone are a nightmare, not to mention remembering which relationship pieces go where in the puzzle. I've felt guilty for this in the past, and I've had to remind myself (and he continues to remind me as well) that it's his choice.

Thanks for getting what it is I'm trying to say. Being poly is wonderful, but it's work. You seemed to imply that you are one leg of a vee, and that he prefers you and the other person to be only with him (unless there's a different "choice" you're referring to). That kind of choice eliminates a lot of jealousies that could arise, otherwise. So, there are benefits.

I provide my end of what OUR relationship needs. Which is different from what his relationship with M1 or M2 needs. And if I don't provide 100% of that, then OUR relationship is lacking. It's not "one" relationship for him, where he's getting pieces from here and from there. He's got three relationships going on, each with its own needs and issues (some more demanding than others). Each one of those has to have its needs met, or that relationship can fail.

What I meant by the hinge of the vee providing for all of the "legs" needs (poly lingo can get so unromantic) is this: Say, one of the "legs" is having a bad day and needs intimate emotional support (does not have to be f*ing). They only have one person to turn to. While the vee has two people to turn to (say, one of his or her partners is out of town, there is still someone else for them to get comfort from).

That's all.

For myself, I would never deny one of my partners other primary relationships. Will I get jealous sometimes? Probably. But I don't think I could handle the pressures, personally, of maintaining two relationships all on my own.

Props to those who successfully pull that off, by the way. Just because it's your choice, doesn't mean it's not hard work.

 

[YouAreHere]

Thanks for getting what it is I'm trying to say. Being poly is wonderful, but it's work. You seemed to imply that you are one leg of a vee, and that he prefers you and the other person to be only with him (unless there's a different "choice" you're referring to).

Ah, no - I *am* one leg of a vee (actually sort of a W-ish thingy, kinda), but by "his choice" I meant more of the logistical stuff: his home with M1 is an hour and a half from his home with me. Gas is insane, especially for a Jetta Turbo that requires the high octane stuff. His commute when he's spending time with me has its awful days (3 hours due to construction mixed with an accident). He occasionally comes home in a pissy mood about the drive and I feel this twinge of guilt that he's doing it to come see me, but ultimately, it's his choice and he knows (and owns) it.

That type of thing.

He's not asking us to be exclusive. In fact, M1 is dating M2's husband.