Sexuality Dynamics

[IndieSolo]

Does it make it harder for straight couples to be poly, as they can't really be fully integrated with their respective partners, but each has to date on their own? How do you get around that, if so?

It sounds like you think each person who is part of a couple is "supposed to" keep everything "equal" in terms of involvement in multiple relationships, so that everyone "gets" the same thing, or that everyone is "supposed to be" involved with everyone else in order to "be poly" or make it all "fair." You seem to have been fed some interesting ideas.

There is no rule that each of you has to be involved with the same people. There is no rule that when one person in a couple has other partners or lovers, that the other person in the couple is supposed to also have other partners or lovers at the same time, or in the same amount. There is no rule that things are supposed to be "equal." There is no rule that poly people should be bisexual for it all to be fair (whatever that could mean!) to everyone. There is no rule that poly people should be having threesomes in order to be "really poly."

Look, all poly means is that if you are part of a couple and have consented to being in a polyamorous situation, then either you or your partner may or may not have other loving relationships at any given time. That's all!

 

[BoringGuy]

Only the guys don't have sex with each other.

Thank you for your simple answer to my simple question, and for not getting your panties in a wedgie like Cake in the Rain does.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I'm straight, and I'd have a threesome. Just sayin.'

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm straight, and I'd have a threesome. Just sayin.'

Well, so would I, but with two guys. The word "threesome" does not always mean FMF!

 

[gorgeouskitten]

So would I, but with two guys. Threesome does not always mean FMF.

Yeah I'd do either. lol

 

[Flowerchild]

Wait

Well, so would I, but with two guys. The word "threesome" does not always mean FMF.

Of course it doesn't. It could be all girls or all guys. Who said threesomes had to be MFF?

 

[Vixtoria]

Of course it doesn't. It could be all girls or all guys. Who said threesomes had to be MFF?

You were the one that stated that for some reason it would be easier to experience a threesome if one of your partners were bi.

The replies are basically people trying to explain to you that it makes no difference. That dating a straight, bisexual, pansexual, or gay person makes no difference in whether or not someone is going to get a threesome, and so it's kind of a silly question to ask.

 

[IndieSolo]

Im straight, and I'd have a threesome. Just sayin.

Well, so would I, but with two guys. The word "threesome" does not always mean FMF.

Of course it doesn't. It could be all girls or all guys. Who said threesomes had to be MFF?

Well, my comment was directed to gorgeouskitten, who implied it when she qualified the fact that she would have a threesome even though she's straight, as if it were an odd thing for a straight woman to want a threesome. It was all meant to be read with a sense of humor, btw, but it seems you didn't get that at all.

 

[Flowerchild]

Forget about guys?

You were the one that stated that for some reason it would be easier to experience a threesome if one of your partners were bi.

The replies are basically people trying to explain to you that it makes no difference. That dating a straight, bisexual, pansexual, or gay person makes no difference in whether or not someone is going to get a threesome, and so it's kind of a silly question to ask.

Men can be bisexual, too. MMF and FFMs can both involve that.

 

[Flowerchild]

Actually

As a matter of fact, this question (the original post) was posed to me by someone else. I thought her view was valid, or at least worth considering, but apparently she is alone in that. No one on the forums supports that idea at all.

Additionally, many people come here with concerns or worries about their met amours, loneliness when their partner is out with another, worries about how to love their current partner, as well as outside partners....and these problems are all generally around the kind of poly where the couple dates separately.

As rare as triads and group relationships are (this based on the mythical "unicorn" problem, the fact that most poly people I meet aren't in group relationships, and most people who come here have concerns that don't apply to triads), I can't help but wonder if sexuality plays a part in this. If a straight man and woman are dating, they aren't going to want to share partners. Would they necessarily? Of course not, but it's an option. But if one or the other were bi, this would be a possibility. I don't know if it would make it easier for certain, but it seems logical that this would eliminate, well, at least many of the problems put forth on the forums.

 

[Vixtoria]

Men can be bisexual, too MMF and FFMs can both involve that.

Well if you actually read what people are posting, NO ONE NEEDS TO BE BISEXUAL IN A THREESOME!

That's the point people are making. That the assumption that my straight husband dating a bisexual female is somehow a threat or a worry to me, as a straight woman, is silly. Period.

Your original question was about straight women who have straight husbands dating bisexual women, as if it makes a difference. It doesn't.

I get that you are feeling things out, asking questions and all that, but broad sweeping assumptions are not going to serve you well. Neither is getting upset when people point out that your broad sweeping assumptions are just that, assumptions. The only thing you can say for sure is what works for you. So... yeah. You are probably going to get a lot of answers that contradict your assumptions, as they don't work for others.

Assumptions about what people of any specific sexuality are into or not is just going to make those that do not fit your assumptions sit up and cry out, "Not me!"

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Mine are both straight also, but get along well and are friends and my BF is pretty well connected with our kids

 

[Flowerchild]

Well, no, but why not?

Well if you actually read what people are posting, NO ONE NEEDS TO BE BISEXUAL IN A THREESOME!

That's the point people are making. That the assumption that my straight husband dating a bisexual female is somehow a threat or a worry to me being a straight woman is silly. Period.

Your original question was about straight women who have straight husbands dating bi women as if it makes a difference. It doesn't.

Honestly, I find the idea of straight people having threesomes odd. Everyone can't fully enjoy each other, or, I guess they could, but then, what's the difference between being bi or gay or straight?

But that wasn't really my point, and I don't understand why it keeps being brought up. My point was, well, I stated it again above.

 

[IndieSolo]

As a matter of fact, this question (the original post) was posed to me by someone else. I thought her view was valid, or at least worth considering, but apparently she is alone in that-- no one on the forums supports that idea at all.

Well, maybe your friend's issues make sense to you, but the way in which you worded it is a bit convoluted and makes some rather strange assumptions.

To me, the strangest passage from your original post was this:

Does it make it harder for straight couples to be poly, as they can't really be fully integrated with their respective partners, but each has to date on their own?

How do you get around that, if so?

It just assumes so much and has really odd questions! First of all, the question, and the problem you posed, is very couple-centric. Secondly, what did you mean when you say that hetero partners "can't really be fully integrated" if they "have to" date on their own? What does it even mean to be "fully integrated" with someone? That sounds so co-dependent and unhealthy! And I'd say, from what I have observed, most hetero poly people date independently from any of their partners, so there is nothing odd with that.

 

[Flowerchild]

Not all about you

Well, if you actually read what people are posting, NO ONE NEEDS TO BE BISEXUAL IN A THREESOME!

That's the point people are making. That the assumption that my straight husband dating a bisexual female is somehow a threat or a worry to me being a straight woman is silly. Period.

Your original question was about straight women who have straight husbands dating bi women as if it makes a difference. It doesn't.

Also, no one said this was about you. A bisexual woman (or switch genders, not really important) could be viewed as a threat by a straight woman. It happens.

 

[Vixtoria]

Also, no one said this was about you. A bisexual woman... could be viewed as a threat by a straight woman.

Yes, they could. So could a woman who is younger, older, taller, shorter, bigger breasts, smaller, more athletic, more house bound. And it could be that a woman is threatened by a man dating their partner. Or vice versa.

Again, this isn't just people pointing out that they themselves don't fit your sweeping generalizations, it's them showing you why it's a bad idea to have such sweeping generalizations.

While you are dumbfounded at the idea of straight people having a threesome, most of us are pretty dumbfounded by your need to generalize so many people by their sexuality or relationship preferences.

 

[Flowerchild]

Don't think it's so weird

Well, maybe it was how you worded it.

To me, the strangest passage from your original post was this:


It just assumes so much and has really odd questions! First of all, the question, and the problem you posed, is very couple-centric. Secondly, what did you mean when you say that hetero partners "can't really be fully integrated" if they "have to" date on their own? What does it even mean to be "fully integrated" with someone? - that sounds so co-dependent and unhealthy! AND I'd say, from what I have observed, most hetero poly people date independently from any of their partners, so there is nothing odd with that.

Yes, most do date independently. Say I have a boyfriend and I'm bisexual. Do we both have to date the same woman? Of course not. But would it make it easier to develop a relationship, as we might all have [more] time to be intimate together, time always being an issue? I can't help but think it would ease tensions that come from scheduling.

Apparently, however, I'm crazy in thinking this.

 

[Flowerchild]

While you are dumbfounded at the idea of straight people having a threesome, most of us are pretty dumbfounded by your need to generalize so many people by their sexuality or relationship preferences.

I'm not dumbfounded. I just don't see where the distinction is. If you're straight, but you sleep with both genders, well, are you really straight? I suppose you could occasionally try it, but if you aren't sexually attracted, doesn't seem like it would be that enjoyable.

Also, do lots of straight people have threesomes (I mean, where everyone is straight)? Is this common?

 

[IndieSolo]

Honestly, I find the idea of straight people having threesomes odd (everyone can't fully enjoy each other, or I guess, they could, but then, what's the difference between being bi or gay or straight?)

If you're straight, but you sleep with both genders, well, are you really straight?

WHAAAAAAATTTTT?? A threesome doesn't mean that all people participating have to pleasure each of the other participants. What the hell? I'm a straight chick (really, really straight) and I date straight men, so that does not mean the guys would be required to be with each other sexually just because we're all in the same bed naked together. Sheesh! They could be pleasuring me at the same time, I could be pleasuring both of them, each guy could take turns watching the other be with me, or we could all get ourselves off together - lots of possibilities. Likewise, if I were with a man and woman in a threesome, I would not be pleasuring her! I'm straight and not interested in that, but we would both enjoy pleasuring and being pleasured by the man who is with us. How does that seem to you like we would not be fully enjoying it??

Say, I have a boyfriend and I'm bisexual. Do we both have to date the same woman? Of course not. But would it make it easier to develop a relationship as we might all have [more] time to be intimate together, time always being an issue? I can't help but think it would ease tensions that come from scheduling.

Apparently, however, I'm crazy in thinking this.

Yeah, what you wrote there is a bit nutsy-cuckoo. If I were a bisexual or gay woman, I'd only want another woman to be interested in pursuing a relationship with me solely because she's attracted to me, intrigued by the idea of getting to know me, and wants to see if there is a possibility for a fulfilling connection -- not to make her boyfriend's calendar easier to deal with! In fact, being bi, gay, or straight has nothing to do with that. No matter what the orientation of the players, no one in their right mind would want someone to date them just because it's convenient for other people they're involved with. That's rather sick.

Your whole conception of what polyamory is, and how group sex works, is rather off the mark, it seems, and gets more and more odd with every one of your posts.

 

[Flowerchild]

Terms

WHAAAAAAATTTTT???? A threesome doesn't mean that all people participating have to pleasure each of the other participants. What the hell? I'm a straight chick and I date straight men, so that means they could be pleasuring me at the same time, I could be pleasuring both of them, each guy could take turns watching the other be with me, or we could all get ourselves off together - lots of possibilities. How does that seem to you like we would not be fully enjoying it?????


Your whole conception of what poly is and how group sex works is rather off the mark, it seems, and gets more and more odd with every one of your posts.

To me that's not a threesome, that's just group sex.